Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
my thoughts today... 4.5 months past day of disclosure
What else can I expect or gain from additional individual therapy?
At this point, I feel I am thinking clearly and effectively.
I realize that the goal of the therapy wasn't to fix my marriage, or to provide answers for why the infidelity happened, or even how to survive and deal with the aftermath of the infidelity. The goal is more general...it's how to survive and manage my thoughts, emotions and reactions, regardless of what comes my way.
I think I have done a major 180 in this area over the last 4 months.
I feel sane. I feel stable. I feel stronger. I feel that I can continue to live and survive regardless of the past.
Issues concerning the marriage will be dealt with during marriage counseling. CBT and DBT/IOP was never about how to fix my marriage, or explain to me the WHY about the infidelity. It seems to me that the goal was to get to accept, that in life, there are going to be questions which may never be answered, and not having those answers is part of the ambiguity of the journey. I can choose to allow the ambiguity to consume me, or choice to accept it as part of life and move forward.
I choose to move forward.
Part of me would like to find a therapist to talk to concentrating solely on how to best deal w the aftermath of infidelity.
Part of me wonders if I need to do something more along the lines of PTSD treatment, but I no longer believe I am at the level of trauma currently. I certainly DID feel i was at the level during the first two months post disclosure.
I believe I am growing to simply accept the past...not agree with it, not condone it, but accept that it happened, and now I choose how to live from now on. It will always be part of my life.
More and more, I realize that the emotional impact of the past has less control on me. I rarely if ever have flashes of "imagined" movies of the events/actions. I know what happened. I wasn't there to witness what happened, but I can easily imagine what happened and play it back in the theatre in my head. I don't do that any longer. I no longer happened automatically. I find myself not getting stuck in the WHAT IFS , I SHOULD HAVE DONES...etc
It may sound odd, but when i think of the past, it comes up as a fact.
kind of like this; Last week I went shopping, washed the car, paid some bills, cut the grass, found out wife had 8 affairs within 15 months, what am i going to have of dinner tonight, did I close the windows because it might rain today..... kind of stream of consciousness stuff
I am finding that the past rarely grabs me by the throat these days. It may brush along me, but i keep on walking and it blows on past me.
The past isn't what sets me off , or what I find myself getting emotional about these days. What I get set off over, and/or what I get emotional about, is the PRESENT. If something happens, or if I have a question, or an observation regarding my wife.... I tell her...i communicate it...if I happened to feel anger one day, I accept that I am feeling angry, or fearful, or shameful, or any of the emotions. I don't obsess on WHY AM I ANGRY....i go and talk to my wife and say, "today I am feeling a lot of fear...or a lot of anger...or a lot of love....or feel like forgiving...or today I am not feeling forgiving....and then we talk about it together. I'm not letting myself stay in my mind. I'm not fighting the thoughts or emotions. I am accepting that they come up...they exist...and I get to choose on how to deal with the them.
How I deal with them now, is that I confess what I feel and think, and talk to my wife about it.
Somedays I find myself wanting to hold everything in..and then I realize...no...thats not effective.
I don't have crazy thoughts. I don't think about ending my life. Yes, at one point post DDAY, i seriously thought about ending my life, but got the intensive help I needed.
Occasionally I think , what might happened should I ever run into one of those men, but then I think...why think that at all....quit wasting time on imagining something that has a mild probability of happening. If it happens, then it happens. If I ruminate about it, I'll more then likely project worse case scenario, and that is not what I want to do, as it would not be effective or helpful to me.
What my goal is now, is to HEAL...and accept that its going to take as much time as it takes.
Some times I wonder if I should approach our marriage counselor and ask if I can have individual sessions w her, just to talk specifically about how i am dealing w the present after the infidelity disclosure. I suppose I could talk to my individual CBT therapist about that as well, but honestly, don't know what good that would do at this point.
Sometimes I wonder, perhaps I should try some of that "new age bullshit" with a different therapist, and give the "reprogramming old habits and patterns" option a go.
I am interested in how patterns I exhibit, and perceptions I have, and had, may have grown to be habit from early on, but I'm not interested in laying on a couch talking about being 2 years old to an old guy w a funny accent who likes cucumbers!
Today...I feel normal.
My concern is.... some times, when I feel normal, I don't realize I feel normal because I'm going about my life and being in the present.
other times, I worry that, feeling normal at all, less then 5 months past disclosure, may be a sign of some mental blockage or emotional repression/suppression on my part, and that it could be a warning sign.
Sometimes I think, nah...that's all bullshit...and me feeling normal, and not having the emotional impact of past thoughts have much pull on me, is simply me achieving a new level in my healing journey.
I don't need a therapist or anyone to tell me or convince me that I'm sane or that I'm not crazy.
I know that. I know I am not crazy.
I do wonder if there is something more I could be doing regarding my healing and moving forward, but then I tell myself, what I am doing right now, is working....its working for me...its working wonders for me...so keep doing what I am doing and quit with all the self analysis and self doubt.
and then sometimes i think i want someone to tell me
"Dude...you are on the right track. You have made an incredible amount of progress in a very short period of time, and the events in your life, that you have not let define you, show that you have more inner strength then you ever thought you had, and you are going to be ok, regardless of whether you remain married to your wife or not"
Because sometimes..i think , exactly that, and i believe that to be the case...that is my truth and perception
Other times, I think I'd like to hear someone say
"Dude. You've got it all wrong. You really are delusional and kidding yourself...how could any sane person have a normal day after what you've gone thru"
because sometimes I think that as well...... but I don't really believe that to be the case. that may be a thought...but its not my reality.
the ambiguity is tough for me.
i still read infidelity recovery forums, and websites...and somethings help, some don't some I agree with, some i think are totally nuts.
I find my self having more desire read about stories dealing with people who have recovered, rather then stories about people going thru the disclosure.
I don't need to rehash or re-experience the emotions and thoughts I had in Jan and Feb (dday was DEC 19th 2014) . I don't see how that would be helpful. I need to stay in the present and plan for the future, even though the future is uncertain.
After this weeks CBT IC session, I'm not feeling compelled to continue sessions on a weekly basis with you. Perhaps, when the need arises, I will reach out via email, and set up a meeting, but I have honestly had quite enough of therapy and sessions in the last 14 weeks to last me a lifetime after my IOP/DBT therapy (3 days a week, 3 hrs per day for 12 weeks)!
I want to not only continue to think effectively, but to be effective in my use of time and energy.
continuing weekly individual consoling...for me...from my perception, wouldn't be an effective use of my time and energy.
What else can I expect or gain from additional individual therapy?
At this point, I feel I am thinking clearly and effectively.
I realize that the goal of the therapy wasn't to fix my marriage, or to provide answers for why the infidelity happened, or even how to survive and deal with the aftermath of the infidelity. The goal is more general...it's how to survive and manage my thoughts, emotions and reactions, regardless of what comes my way.
I think I have done a major 180 in this area over the last 4 months.
I feel sane. I feel stable. I feel stronger. I feel that I can continue to live and survive regardless of the past.
Issues concerning the marriage will be dealt with during marriage counseling. CBT and DBT/IOP was never about how to fix my marriage, or explain to me the WHY about the infidelity. It seems to me that the goal was to get to accept, that in life, there are going to be questions which may never be answered, and not having those answers is part of the ambiguity of the journey. I can choose to allow the ambiguity to consume me, or choice to accept it as part of life and move forward.
I choose to move forward.
Part of me would like to find a therapist to talk to concentrating solely on how to best deal w the aftermath of infidelity.
Part of me wonders if I need to do something more along the lines of PTSD treatment, but I no longer believe I am at the level of trauma currently. I certainly DID feel i was at the level during the first two months post disclosure.
I believe I am growing to simply accept the past...not agree with it, not condone it, but accept that it happened, and now I choose how to live from now on. It will always be part of my life.
More and more, I realize that the emotional impact of the past has less control on me. I rarely if ever have flashes of "imagined" movies of the events/actions. I know what happened. I wasn't there to witness what happened, but I can easily imagine what happened and play it back in the theatre in my head. I don't do that any longer. I no longer happened automatically. I find myself not getting stuck in the WHAT IFS , I SHOULD HAVE DONES...etc
It may sound odd, but when i think of the past, it comes up as a fact.
kind of like this; Last week I went shopping, washed the car, paid some bills, cut the grass, found out wife had 8 affairs within 15 months, what am i going to have of dinner tonight, did I close the windows because it might rain today..... kind of stream of consciousness stuff
I am finding that the past rarely grabs me by the throat these days. It may brush along me, but i keep on walking and it blows on past me.
The past isn't what sets me off , or what I find myself getting emotional about these days. What I get set off over, and/or what I get emotional about, is the PRESENT. If something happens, or if I have a question, or an observation regarding my wife.... I tell her...i communicate it...if I happened to feel anger one day, I accept that I am feeling angry, or fearful, or shameful, or any of the emotions. I don't obsess on WHY AM I ANGRY....i go and talk to my wife and say, "today I am feeling a lot of fear...or a lot of anger...or a lot of love....or feel like forgiving...or today I am not feeling forgiving....and then we talk about it together. I'm not letting myself stay in my mind. I'm not fighting the thoughts or emotions. I am accepting that they come up...they exist...and I get to choose on how to deal with the them.
How I deal with them now, is that I confess what I feel and think, and talk to my wife about it.
Somedays I find myself wanting to hold everything in..and then I realize...no...thats not effective.
I don't have crazy thoughts. I don't think about ending my life. Yes, at one point post DDAY, i seriously thought about ending my life, but got the intensive help I needed.
Occasionally I think , what might happened should I ever run into one of those men, but then I think...why think that at all....quit wasting time on imagining something that has a mild probability of happening. If it happens, then it happens. If I ruminate about it, I'll more then likely project worse case scenario, and that is not what I want to do, as it would not be effective or helpful to me.
What my goal is now, is to HEAL...and accept that its going to take as much time as it takes.
Some times I wonder if I should approach our marriage counselor and ask if I can have individual sessions w her, just to talk specifically about how i am dealing w the present after the infidelity disclosure. I suppose I could talk to my individual CBT therapist about that as well, but honestly, don't know what good that would do at this point.
Sometimes I wonder, perhaps I should try some of that "new age bullshit" with a different therapist, and give the "reprogramming old habits and patterns" option a go.
I am interested in how patterns I exhibit, and perceptions I have, and had, may have grown to be habit from early on, but I'm not interested in laying on a couch talking about being 2 years old to an old guy w a funny accent who likes cucumbers!
Today...I feel normal.
My concern is.... some times, when I feel normal, I don't realize I feel normal because I'm going about my life and being in the present.
other times, I worry that, feeling normal at all, less then 5 months past disclosure, may be a sign of some mental blockage or emotional repression/suppression on my part, and that it could be a warning sign.
Sometimes I think, nah...that's all bullshit...and me feeling normal, and not having the emotional impact of past thoughts have much pull on me, is simply me achieving a new level in my healing journey.
I don't need a therapist or anyone to tell me or convince me that I'm sane or that I'm not crazy.
I know that. I know I am not crazy.
I do wonder if there is something more I could be doing regarding my healing and moving forward, but then I tell myself, what I am doing right now, is working....its working for me...its working wonders for me...so keep doing what I am doing and quit with all the self analysis and self doubt.
and then sometimes i think i want someone to tell me
"Dude...you are on the right track. You have made an incredible amount of progress in a very short period of time, and the events in your life, that you have not let define you, show that you have more inner strength then you ever thought you had, and you are going to be ok, regardless of whether you remain married to your wife or not"
Because sometimes..i think , exactly that, and i believe that to be the case...that is my truth and perception
Other times, I think I'd like to hear someone say
"Dude. You've got it all wrong. You really are delusional and kidding yourself...how could any sane person have a normal day after what you've gone thru"
because sometimes I think that as well...... but I don't really believe that to be the case. that may be a thought...but its not my reality.
the ambiguity is tough for me.
i still read infidelity recovery forums, and websites...and somethings help, some don't some I agree with, some i think are totally nuts.
I find my self having more desire read about stories dealing with people who have recovered, rather then stories about people going thru the disclosure.
I don't need to rehash or re-experience the emotions and thoughts I had in Jan and Feb (dday was DEC 19th 2014) . I don't see how that would be helpful. I need to stay in the present and plan for the future, even though the future is uncertain.
After this weeks CBT IC session, I'm not feeling compelled to continue sessions on a weekly basis with you. Perhaps, when the need arises, I will reach out via email, and set up a meeting, but I have honestly had quite enough of therapy and sessions in the last 14 weeks to last me a lifetime after my IOP/DBT therapy (3 days a week, 3 hrs per day for 12 weeks)!
I want to not only continue to think effectively, but to be effective in my use of time and energy.
continuing weekly individual consoling...for me...from my perception, wouldn't be an effective use of my time and energy.
am i really doing ok
or have i totally gone off the deep end...
i know what repressing emotions feels like...ive done it most of my life...and i don't feel repression... i feel openness...acceptance... not acceptance meaning i condone what my wife did.... its acceptance in so far as.... she had multiple affairs in 1.5 years.... and this is where my life is right now....and i have had a boat load of therapy these last 4 months to insure i am no longer suicidal, and realize that i have options.....
so...i feel real, when i say ... i feel normal
but i also feel scared when i say..... am i crazy for feeling normal today?
it means a lot to me!
I think you have to live with this for awhile and then go back for IC as needed. The trauma/PTSD requires your mind to keep reframing the situation as you get distance from the event. Eventually it will become a minor issue in the big scheme of things, but it's a lot of work to get there.
Not sure if that makes any sense. Maybe another way to say it is that as you acquire more information about your spouse, marriage, relationship dynamics in general, etc. you have to mentally rebuild the scenario to include that information. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes its paradigm shifting.
I liken it to my GPS when it realizes its off course. It shows the "syncing ... syncing" message until finally "Calibration Complete"
As long as you can get through the syncing phase on your own, you don't need an IC. I didn't see one until we were 4 years out and I needed some help getting perspective.
You are Not Crazy ... Far from it