I am so crushed :( God help me because I have a long road of hurt ahead.

I'm sorry sweetorange. Not sure what more to say because you seem to know what you need to do. There's no shame in staying until you can get things together and do it on your own terms. It's the least he owes you after all this.

((hugs))

Thanks LovePrevails! He says he doesn't want a divorce and wrote me a letter saying he cares and that he wants to fix the situation. I don't think it can be fixed and to be honest he doesn't seem to care. He is letting me stay (it is his house) and I have to be very patient because this will take a few months. The pain is terrible but I hate that it comforts me that I'm here and that he apologized and wrote a letter. I didn't get any sleep last night and I hope I can sleep tonight. I don't smoke but I bought cigarets and it is helping me to cope and calm me down. I wish this was all a nightmare and I wish I could to someone. Like I said I have no friends and family I can trust and I can't tell anyone what happened. I've been through this before and I know how hard it is. I am living one day at a time. I can't stop asking why. I can't stop thinking about how many times he did that and what I am going to do. I am so anxious and sad. Sorry for the confused and long post. I am just venting.

((((sweetorange))))

I agree with LovePrevails that you should take your time and do things on your own terms if you have that opportunity. Not only financially but also emotionally. As long as you have access to your CS and he's cooperative, you have the chance of figuring out some of the "whys" of your situation.

My H's first wife cheated on him and he never really got closure or understood what the heck happened. He discovered the affair, they lived together for a little while longer as basically roommates, and then she moved out and said a lot of really cruel things to him before she left.

So for your own peace of mind, ask him questions, try to figure out what went wrong, and then move on knowing that it was ultimately his failure.

In the meantime, the book "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was a lifesaver for many of us and might help you figure out where your H falls in the big scheme of things.

http://www.amazon.com/NOT-Just-Friends-ebook/dp/B00120955S/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1366686360&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends+shirley+glass

Thank you so much for all replies. lisalisa72 that was great advice too. I have no choice by taking my time and husband so far is being cooperative and I think he will keep being cooperative. I was reading here others posts about saving marriage and I don't think ours have salvation. I don't see how at all. I don't think I can trust him again and honestly even though he said he wants to try to fixed deep inside I don't think he really wants that. I am very suspicious that cheated other times other than this one I just found out.

We all instinctively know when we're done and its time to part ways. There's really no one-size-fits-all right answer to any of this. Glad your H is being open and cooperative with you! That's huge and will help you heal from this.

I'm glad that you're not considering staying. The kind of man who hires prostitutes is different from the one who gets emotionally involved. He sees women as objects to be purchased, without human value, and he has a sense of entitlement to that. He may be a sex addict, from which it's possible to recover, but that is not your problem to solve. If, and that's a huge IF, he chooses to recover, it's a hard road and there are not guarantees. And if he's a real He-man Woman Hating mysogynist, he might change his behavior, but he's not likely to change how he thinks. That shit goes way too deep for most people to dig out.

lisalisa72 you are right, we all know when we are ready to leave and right now I am not ready at all. Not emotionally and not financially. As of right now I couldn't even support myself financially, duo to legal reasons I can't work legally but this will change soon. I'm hoping to start work in a couple of months and then be able to support myself. I also can't afford emotionally to leave now. I have no friends and family here and I have a lot of personal issues that I have to work on like work on my low self esteem so I will use him and this time to work myself an get myself on a place that I am ready to leave. He kind of knows that, I told him and he agrees with it because he thinks we might get back together but I will just be working on my ways to get ready to leave.

fiberjunkie you mentioned something I was thinking about. The difference between have an affair and hire a prostitute. I think he might have a sexual addition but the think gets even worse, he might be gay because the prostitute was a transsexual. He said it isn't but I saw and add and it was, I had another clue recently that he was with an transsexual before and didn't say anything because I couldn't but this is just another reason for me to get out of this relationship.

Sweetorange - im sorry you have to go through this. I agree a person who uses a prostitute does not value people very highly. That being said i also agree closure is needed. Even if you are set on leaving. I would recomend that you get individual counseling help (if cost is an issue there are places that do free or sliding fee rates) and it may even help to do couples counseling. Not only will that help with the closure, but it will also help with the eventual seperation.

distancemj that was another great advice! Thank you! I do need to find closure before I leave and I will definitely work on it. I will use this time that i have to be here and like lisalisa said I will ask wuestions and I will try to figure out what went wrong. I thought about counseling and I really want to do it but cost it is an issue for me right now. I searched for counseling around where I live and the costs are very high. Do you know where I can find counseling with more affordable fees.

Sweetorange, you mentioned needing to work on your low self-esteem. One of the best ways to get out of that mindset is to focus on being a good neighbor, good parent, good friend, good church member - whatever it is you have around you. That might mean volunteering with a local non-profit or just getting to know your neighbors and being friendly. It might even be getting involved on DS and being a source of encouragement to others. We feel good about ourselves we do something that requires guts, sacrifice, or is valuable in some way.

People with good self-esteem don't wake up every morning thinking about it. They just get up and start doing what needs to be done. I think this is an easier to thing to work on than you might imagine - and you don't necessarily need counseling to make progress.

Wishing the best for you!

Thanks again lisalisa. That was such great advice again. I'm so thankful for this group and for the advices. I absolutely believe in what you said about changing my mindset. Sometimes I get so focused on the negative aspects of the things. Like how bad my life is and how sorry I am about myself and this is a horrible mindset that results in very negative thoughts and it is a cycle that it has been hard to be break but it isn't impossible. I got try to count my blessing, change my mindset get myself busy with thinks like you said like helping others and being the best I can be instead of thinking I am a victim of everything. Thank you for you input. That was a great input! Isn't ironic how bad things like the cheating happen so we can wake up for things and focus on ourselves and get better?

Sweetorange,

Sorry you're facing this again, as you hinted at. Real bummer. Going through this once is more than enough.

One idea, if you've not heard it, you may try is the 180. Many look at it as a way to shake up a reluctant CS and get them to commit to rebuilding, if they have it in them to do so, but it is primarily a way to help you emotionally gain some independence and move on when the time comes.

Here's a link to it on the healing through faith site which you just joined:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3932216

As well as other articles in that news section you may find useful, though several are focused toward rebuilding.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news

May you find your path through this pain.

Cole50 Thank you so much for your input and the links. I absolutely l absolutely loved the 180. It was all I needed now because I am very worried about living together and being separated. It is a very awkward and painful situation. I'm also worried he will change his mind and kick me out of the house, so I have to be very careful with my actions. He suggested counseling to help save our marriage and I said I am open to it. I am open because it can help to find closure and I don't believe it can help to save the marriage.
About the 180 I already did a lot of things I shouldn't have done, but Thank God I found this in time to turn around the situation.
Last night, for example, when I was hurting real bad, I followed him around the house. Cried. Initiated discussion about the future. Asked for reassurances. I think this 180 guide is perfect and I will read it and follow it everyday. I also need another advice about a trip coming up next week. We have scheduled this trip before I knew about the cheating and now I don't know if I should go or not. I am considering going because it would be a great opportunity for us to communicate. What do you think?