With nothing but time on my hands when the baby is asleep, I can only feel the slow yet BURNING simmer of ANGER in the pit of my stomach. I woke up thinking about HOW CALLOUS his actions were. The word I would use to describe EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ACTION on his part with regard to his cheating is PURE "MALICE"!!! Although every single despicable action has churned in this jumble of flashbacks in my head. One in particular stood out this AM. We were right next door in the local Walmart shopping for groceries. Everything was going okay until I looked up while in a certain section to inquire on what he wanted to get for himself. OH LET ME NOT LEAVE OUT THE FACT THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME WE EVER WENT TO THE DAMN STORE HE WOULD PUT A RUSH ON IT. ALWAYS RUSHING TO GET IN AND OUT AND WE WOULD ALWAYS FORGET SOMETHING. So I called him to me and asked if there was something in that section he wanted or needed. Well a few minutes and another section later, I looked up to ask him if he wanted something and AGAIN he was about 3 sections ahead of me just looking around. At this point I ASK, "Why do u keep walking off"? He claims t have been looking to see what he may have wanted..yet it was the CHEESE section. So at that point I told him it's aggravating and if he wants anything and is in such a rush he should stay close and assist me in getting groceries in lieu of walking off dazing. Well about 10 minutes later it was the same thing so at that point I stopped and took notice to whom was near us, trying to figure out what he was doing. Although there were 2 females in the same section as I I did notice they were engrossed in what they were doing. They were not paying us any attention. So at that point I call him back with a bit more attitude cause I had just spoken to him about it. So I tell him don't rush me and then I have to keep calling him to see what he wants. I also told him not to be mad when he gets home and realizes he has none of his favorite snacks because he was too busy walking off to pick up his likes. Then out of the blue he pulls his hoody on his jacket over his head??????????????????????????????????????????? A black jacket might I add, and the first thing I thought was he looks like he's up to something, a criminal. I asked why he put his hoody on and he was like no reason. But I am uncomfortable cause he's looking suspicious and I think having the hood on drew attention in our direction. We are in a store for Christ Sakes. I spoke with him on it, he wouldn't take it off, so I just blew it off as him being his stubborn immature self and continued to shop and eventually we left. However I will say that BEFORE I met him, he had gotten banned from this Walmart (Claimed he was with someone that stole something and he got banned along with them). However we have been going to this Walmart the entire 2 years of our relationship and he never had any issues. So now that the cat is outta the bag, that particular incident invaded my thoughts this morning. WHY!? Because I NOW SEE that APPARENTLY HE WAS GETTING AROUND IN OUR AREA. He was safeguarding himself in case one of the many hoes he was dealing with happened upon us!!!!! So my anger now stems from the realization that the CHEATERS will ALWAYS TRY AND SHIFT THE BLAME. They try and make you feel or think that "YOU" are the problem. They aren't doing anything, YOUR crazy and paranoid. THAT PISSES ME OFF TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF PISSTIVITY!!!!!! When u decide to leave them they LIE to family and friends and want everyone to believe, "IT'S U NOT THEM". That takes a different kind of individual to do something of that nature. So now I'm thinking, "What if"? What if one of his side hoes DID happen upon us? What would he have done then. 9.9 out of 10 He would have attempted to find a way to blame me, or perhaps he would have instantly had to use the restroom. WHEN I SAY I DESPISE THIS THIS...PERSON, THAT IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. I could really put my foot in his a$$ without any remorse right about now!!! SCUMBAG!!! I swear if it wasn't for the fact that I have turned my life back over to GOD and am trying my darndest to walk in love, forgive SO I CAN BE FORGIVEN IN THE END. I would kindly go to his friends house (TLOVE) and get it POPPIN. He's about 6 ft 6, dark chocolate, has beautiful dreads down his back, Is a single father, has a great job, and IS HIS ONLY REAL FRIEND. (SMILE). I must admit and AM WOMAN ENOUGH TO ADMIT that I CAN BE A VERY VERY VINDICTIVE PERSON. WHY? I think because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will give a COMPLETE STRANGER THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK. I flagged down a homeless man once so I could give him a few dollars to eat, but when he walked up to the car, I reached in my wallet and realized all I had was a $10 bill. And I didn't get paid for another full week and it was my very very last. But how could I turn him away when it was I who flagged him over? I gave that man MY LAST $10. I felt he needed far greater than I, and I had food in my fridge and could bring lunch to work. THAT"S THE KIND OF HEART I HAVE...LAST WEEK, I was on my way to the mall. Hadn't done anything for "SELF" since baby arrived so I needed that outing. Well leaving my complex my niece told me about this 80 year old woman who lives on the opposite side of the complex that had been calling her crying cause she was out of food and couldn't get anyone to take her to get groceries. My car is in the shop having a transmission replaced (I was being taken to the mall by a friend). When my niece told me that all I could think of was how much I missed having a mother or grandmother to hug, kiss, or tell them that I love them. So I asked my ride if they minded taking the lady to the store. He said he would do anything for me, so I went to that lady door, knocked, introduced myself and TOOK HER TO THE MARKET, I did all her shopping while she instructed me on her needs. A PERFECT STRANGER....who needed SOMEONE IN HER CORNER. She kept saying she was on a budget and only had $40 and I kept saying I HAVE MONEY..YOU GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. I haven't worked since I had my baby, but I have people who love and help me and I share that SAME LOVE AND HELP WITH THE WORLD. Whomever is receptive to that love....THEREFORE WHEN I AM CROSSED BY SOMEONE I HAVE BEEN FAR GREATER THAN KIND TO....I HAVE REAL ISSUES WITH IT!!!!! I AM ONE OF THE LAST PERSON DESERVING OF SUCH TREACHEROUS ACTIONS AS MY EX HAS TAKEN....I WANT TO MAKE HIM PAY DEARLY. BUT ALAS I CANNOT AND EXPECT GOD TO BE PLEASED WITH ME AND BE ABLE TO MOVE FORWARD IN THIS WALK THRU LIFE....WHAT A FIGHT..WHAT A FIGHT!