Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
First of all I need to tell you all a little about me. 46 years old male. I am a recovering alcoholic going on ten years, have had anxiety, panic, depression for years probably around 15. Still have all of it except the alcohol.
Here's my question: I have noticed about a month ago that the wife and I weren't talking as much as we used to and that things just seemed "different" between us. She is also depressed. Now keep in mind I'm paranoid here. Anyway a pretty important picture that I had taped to a mirror went missing and I just asked about it and she said she got cleaner on it and it ruined it so she threw it away, but she left the tape residue on the mirror that she was supposedly cleaning. When I asked her about why the tape was still there she got REAL defensive and saying stuff like "you're always accusing me of something, that picture's been down for 9 days....and so on". Now I don't have the best of memory so I don't know if that's true or not. So she keeps a pinterest account open to the public for everyone to see. So I went snooping...found a bunch of quotes about learning to let go of what you love, quotes about the pain she's in, and about 350 pictures of Jason Aldean, and things of that nature. She has NEVER given me a reason to EVER suspect her of cheating, as a matter of fact she works at a school as a janitor, and most of the time she's on camera except when she goes outside to clean the out buildings and she's always home and we always go places together. She leaves her cell phone in plain sight and it's accessible, same with her computer. Needless to say I couldn't figure out why the mirror wasn't cleaned and it's been snowballing from there. I feel so insecure, that I feel like I have to be with her wherever she goes now, even around the house. I know I'm a loon. So I asked her bluntly because we promised each other years ago that we would tell one another if we ever found anyone else, if she had done so, and if she would be happier she should go and be with whoever it might be.
She tells me that I'm the only one for her, always have been always will be. Now I believe her in that moment of time but once she's off to work my mind will get going about certain things and then I wind up questioning her about other things like songs she has on her MP3 player which includes songs like Chainsaw, Done by the country band "Band Perry", Take it out on me, which is done by Florida Georgia Line. I asked her if those were about me and again all defenses go up and she tells me no, that they're funny to her. These are songs about breaking up, or cheating, so I don't think they are funny at all. So once again I assume she's lying, when she might be telling the truth.
I have changed the way I used to treat her and it was like crap for a couple of years, but I'm treating her like a queen now, because she deserves it. We weren't making love to frequently, but now things have seemed to change for the better I hope! See I always doubt things and it sucks!! She's been laying on my chest as we sleep, she holds my hand in public, she kisses me more and texts loving things to me. I just can't stop thinking about losing her, or maybe I already have? I have a screwed up way of thinking things through and I know that she's depressed also. So I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS SITUATION and see if I'm thinking wrong, which is what I suspect or should I be worried even after she still tells me she only wants to be with me and she could never be with anyone else. She's even brought up renewing our vows. I will say this the past couple of weeks we have been extremely romantic with one another, and I ask her if I'm smothering her and she tells me no, she loves being close to me. Should I be worried?? I'm just so torn and confused any insight would be DEEPLY appreciated!! Thank you!!
Here's my question: I have noticed about a month ago that the wife and I weren't talking as much as we used to and that things just seemed "different" between us. She is also depressed. Now keep in mind I'm paranoid here. Anyway a pretty important picture that I had taped to a mirror went missing and I just asked about it and she said she got cleaner on it and it ruined it so she threw it away, but she left the tape residue on the mirror that she was supposedly cleaning. When I asked her about why the tape was still there she got REAL defensive and saying stuff like "you're always accusing me of something, that picture's been down for 9 days....and so on". Now I don't have the best of memory so I don't know if that's true or not. So she keeps a pinterest account open to the public for everyone to see. So I went snooping...found a bunch of quotes about learning to let go of what you love, quotes about the pain she's in, and about 350 pictures of Jason Aldean, and things of that nature. She has NEVER given me a reason to EVER suspect her of cheating, as a matter of fact she works at a school as a janitor, and most of the time she's on camera except when she goes outside to clean the out buildings and she's always home and we always go places together. She leaves her cell phone in plain sight and it's accessible, same with her computer. Needless to say I couldn't figure out why the mirror wasn't cleaned and it's been snowballing from there. I feel so insecure, that I feel like I have to be with her wherever she goes now, even around the house. I know I'm a loon. So I asked her bluntly because we promised each other years ago that we would tell one another if we ever found anyone else, if she had done so, and if she would be happier she should go and be with whoever it might be.
She tells me that I'm the only one for her, always have been always will be. Now I believe her in that moment of time but once she's off to work my mind will get going about certain things and then I wind up questioning her about other things like songs she has on her MP3 player which includes songs like Chainsaw, Done by the country band "Band Perry", Take it out on me, which is done by Florida Georgia Line. I asked her if those were about me and again all defenses go up and she tells me no, that they're funny to her. These are songs about breaking up, or cheating, so I don't think they are funny at all. So once again I assume she's lying, when she might be telling the truth.
I have changed the way I used to treat her and it was like crap for a couple of years, but I'm treating her like a queen now, because she deserves it. We weren't making love to frequently, but now things have seemed to change for the better I hope! See I always doubt things and it sucks!! She's been laying on my chest as we sleep, she holds my hand in public, she kisses me more and texts loving things to me. I just can't stop thinking about losing her, or maybe I already have? I have a screwed up way of thinking things through and I know that she's depressed also. So I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS SITUATION and see if I'm thinking wrong, which is what I suspect or should I be worried even after she still tells me she only wants to be with me and she could never be with anyone else. She's even brought up renewing our vows. I will say this the past couple of weeks we have been extremely romantic with one another, and I ask her if I'm smothering her and she tells me no, she loves being close to me. Should I be worried?? I'm just so torn and confused any insight would be DEEPLY appreciated!! Thank you!!
One, until you have definitive proof she's cheating, don't accuse her of it by asking her questions like the ones you've been. If she is cheating, she's not likely to admit it. If she isn't, she'll be offended that you don't trust her.
Sounds like your "gut" has been giving you warnings. A common phrase around here is to trust your gut. That's because so many of us, myself included, ignored red flag signs. Easy to do, especially first time because we do trust our spouses, have no reason to doubt their word that nothing is going on. I'd been married to my wife for over 28 years when she started her affair. Didn't see it coming. Trusted her implicitly. Ignored red flag after red flag until one slapped me in the face hard enough that it finally gave me pause.
But such gut feelings and red flags are reasons to investigate, not confront. While frequently the gut feeling is right, sometimes it is wrong. Sometimes it is driven by other issues in the marriage or personally.
So, I'd do one or any combination of the following to investigate, especially since you have unfettered access to her cell phone and computer.
1. Easiest is to check her billing records. What you are looking for is any phone number/email address that appears multiple times a day on calls, text, or both. Often the calls will be more than 30 minutes, not uncommon for an hour or more. If you don't see this, if she is cheating, it isn't likely she's using her personal phone. Maybe a work phone or hidden phone.
2. If you do see a strange number showing up in calls and text multiple times a day, that is a call to install cell phone spyware to see what is going on. If you Google it, you'll find plenty of options.
3. Install a key logger on her computer. Again, Google it. Plenty of options out there. This is how I caught my wife once I couldn't ignore the red flags and started investigating.
4. Hide a voice-activated recorder in her car. The commute to work and back is often a time a CS (cheating spouse) will call and talk to the AP (affair partner). So even if she's using a phone you don't know about, you'll catch it this way.
I'd do one or more of those methods for about two weeks, certainly no more than a month. Even a week would probably be long enough to determine if nothing really is going on. If she's in contact with an AP, one of those methods will reveal it since they usually spend a lot of time on the phone/computer together.
After two weeks, if nothing has cropped up, consider you're just being paranoid, uninstall the spyware/remove the voice recorder, drop the issue and never speak of it again. Case closed. You can rest assured the probability of her cheating is slim and you have nothing to worry about.
If you're fears are confirmed, well, then we're getting into issues this site is here for.
To get some perspective to evaluate whether the info you get indicates she's having an affair or not, check out this following link to my BS FAQ page:
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/p/help-for-new-betrayed-spouses.html#Q2
Also, you need to adjust your thinking a little. In many cases, not all, when a spouse has an affair, they are not looking to replace you, they usually don't want to end the marriage. They meet someone that satisfies a strong desire within themselves that you are not able to do, simply because you're not fresh and new. A spouse not ready for that can easily find themselves in an affair, and doing what to them previously would have been the unthinkable.
My wife had convinced herself she could love two men at the same time. She had no intention of leaving me. Indeed, during her affairs her libido was so high hardly a day went by without sex, often multiple times a day. Yet, she still "needed" the other man. Up to that point, I'd felt more love from her during her affairs than I had in the previous 28 years. How much she's loving on you now is no indication she's not having an affair, as backwards as that might seem.
Statistically, only a very small percent of CSs ever divorce and marry the AP. Ironically, though, both my and my W's parents did that.
I didn't think my wife was capable of the level of deception. When I read the words on the chat log that she was having an affair, it was like the Earth stopped revolving. It was inconceivable to me. She was the last person I would have suspected.
Investigate. Prepare your mind for the worst. Hope for the best, If you don't see any evidence of it, drop it. You're gut is lying to you. Then don't bring the issue up to her again until you have some hard evidence, like emails, texts, call logs, etc.
Because if she isn't doing anything wrong, she's right. You don't want paranoia to ruin your "perfectly good marriage." Either find out the truth, or drop it. But don't stir the pot with accusations based on maybes, feelings, or guess work. That will get you no where but miserable.