First of all I need to tell you all a little about me. 46 years old male. I am a recovering alcoholic going on ten years, have had anxiety, panic, depression for years probably around 15. Still have all of it except the alcohol.
Here's my question: I have noticed about a month ago that the wife and I weren't talking as much as we used to and that things just seemed "different" between us. She is also depressed. Now keep in mind I'm paranoid here. Anyway a pretty important picture that I had taped to a mirror went missing and I just asked about it and she said she got cleaner on it and it ruined it so she threw it away, but she left the tape residue on the mirror that she was supposedly cleaning. When I asked her about why the tape was still there she got REAL defensive and saying stuff like "you're always accusing me of something, that picture's been down for 9 days....and so on". Now I don't have the best of memory so I don't know if that's true or not. So she keeps a pinterest account open to the public for everyone to see. So I went snooping...found a bunch of quotes about learning to let go of what you love, quotes about the pain she's in, and about 350 pictures of Jason Aldean, and things of that nature. She has NEVER given me a reason to EVER suspect her of cheating, as a matter of fact she works at a school as a janitor, and most of the time she's on camera except when she goes outside to clean the out buildings and she's always home and we always go places together. She leaves her cell phone in plain sight and it's accessible, same with her computer. Needless to say I couldn't figure out why the mirror wasn't cleaned and it's been snowballing from there. I feel so insecure, that I feel like I have to be with her wherever she goes now, even around the house. I know I'm a loon. So I asked her bluntly because we promised each other years ago that we would tell one another if we ever found anyone else, if she had done so, and if she would be happier she should go and be with whoever it might be.
She tells me that I'm the only one for her, always have been always will be. Now I believe her in that moment of time but once she's off to work my mind will get going about certain things and then I wind up questioning her about other things like songs she has on her MP3 player which includes songs like Chainsaw, Done by the country band "Band Perry", Take it out on me, which is done by Florida Georgia Line. I asked her if those were about me and again all defenses go up and she tells me no, that they're funny to her. These are songs about breaking up, or cheating, so I don't think they are funny at all. So once again I assume she's lying, when she might be telling the truth.
I have changed the way I used to treat her and it was like crap for a couple of years, but I'm treating her like a queen now, because she deserves it. We weren't making love to frequently, but now things have seemed to change for the better I hope! See I always doubt things and it sucks!! She's been laying on my chest as we sleep, she holds my hand in public, she kisses me more and texts loving things to me. I just can't stop thinking about losing her, or maybe I already have? I have a screwed up way of thinking things through and I know that she's depressed also. So I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS SITUATION and see if I'm thinking wrong, which is what I suspect or should I be worried even after she still tells me she only wants to be with me and she could never be with anyone else. She's even brought up renewing our vows. I will say this the past couple of weeks we have been extremely romantic with one another, and I ask her if I'm smothering her and she tells me no, she loves being close to me. Should I be worried?? I'm just so torn and confused any insight would be DEEPLY appreciated!! Thank you!!