You know what .. I have found a lot of support and strength here, the people here deal withthe hand they have been dealt the best way they know how.

Sure, there are some bitter, angry and sad people here. Why wouldn't they be? Many of these people DO still love their partners even though they've been hurt. Some want to work it out, some don't. Would I be better off to have tossed out a 10 year relationship? I don't know, only time will tell and for now I'm willing to work on it and so is he.

Most here just wish to have the support of others who are in the same boat. There are many men and women on here that don't view an infidelity as an 'end game' to a relationship, there are many men and women who DO view it as an 'end game'. Either way, both sides come here for answers and discussion to try to get some understanding from others who have experienced it. Not every post here erupts into a bitter tirade against the cheaters - but sure some do.

Some of the cheaters actually DO have mental illness, some are sex addicts, some are just misguided sad individuals, and sure some are just plain narcissists that don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.

I'd categorize a cheater who starts cheating at day one of their relationship either as a narcisist or a sex addict. Do they love their spouse? Probably not, they are probably more in love with the idea of being in a relationship. So yes, in this case, I'd say it's a mental and/or character deficiency and/or possible mental illness. Of course I am no expert and that is just my opinion.

Wow...Dan...nice to meet you.

Sure, we have the bitter and angry and hurt and confused and the 'what the hell path do I take now???' here. We have all of that here.

We ask questions and try to find answers from eachother. We also find some solace when we have to make the tough choices - you know, those that tend to hurt like hell.

Those questions WE ask are much like the ones YOU asked in your thread. Seems you are really not much different than some of us.

Just my thoughts.

don't have to guess what YOU did to get cheated on... you don't seem very nice

Well WTF...Who do you think your are to PASS JUDGEMENT ON ANY OF US AND HOW WE COPE AND DEAL W/ OUR MARRIAGES OR RELATIONSHIPS.

PATHETIC WOULD DESCRIBE THE PERSON WHO THINKS AAAAA...I WAS CHEATED ON SO LETS DUMP MY SPOUSE AFTER YEARS OF BEING W/ PERSON. HMMM...SOME BACK BONE YA GOT THERE DAN.

Would you walk into an AA meeting and say "Oh come on people, its just liquid in a bottle (or can)!" ???

The people on here for the most part are very helpful and have a lot of strength and knowledge to share because of what they've been through and unless you've been through it yourself, you can't have any idea what it feels like and how horrible it is to deal with.

Many of us loved and still love our spouses (or exes) very much, maybe as much as we ever did. But, for the most part, we are all going through loss of our relationship, which, when it is basically stolen out from underneath you by a lying cheat, is similar to grieving the loss of a spouse as if they died.

I would tread lightly around here and understand that some - many of us around here are still dealing with fairly fresh wounds and we are showing anger, bitterness and sadness, among other emotions, and that it is all part of dealing with what we've been through.

And, welcome to the forum.

Dan...you're wrong.
We that have worked through the pain are here for those who feel totally defeated, right now.
Through some of the guys on this site I eventually found the strength to pick myself up and want to carry on with my life - with or without my H who I loved and trusted with my heart. With the understanding, support and encouragment, NOT pity, of guys who did not even know me I am stronger than I ever was and I am NOT bitter or angry and above all...my faith in human nature has been restored.

(Psssttttt...see, I was pretty sure you may get that reaction...)

I think this forum is a release for pent up anger!! It's for expressing the feelings that you can't say to your spouse, especially when you're trying to work on your marriage.

You wouldn't be able to tell your husband that you think you hate him, or that he's a d@ck, or that you feel mean. Oh no, that would not go over too well.

Maybe your hurt single/divorced male friends should join and can hook up with some of the members here!!

As for the cheater who begins almost at day one (or while wife is pregnant, or the wife just gave birth, or with little children at home) I think there is something mentally wrong with them. It appears they are the type that is never satisfied, are egotistical and selfish or maybe they're love junkies.

Also, it is not easy to end a marriage when children and finances are involved.

What an awesome response! Anyone wants to dump on me for asking questions that touch on sore points go ahead, it doesn't hurt me much and if it makes you feel better I'll say go for it. Obviously I touched a nerve in some people. Clearly I didn't say something like "Do I turn here or keep going straight?" The stuff I said was painful to read and I apologize for some of it. Here's a true story: My best friend was married on Dec. 24th quite a few years back. About 3 days later he discovered her in bed with another man. It hurt him, but he had the strength to give up and get an annulment.

Any kids involved with your friends marriage? Also, he's probably self-supportive...which some here are not.

I'm with blogger on this one. While certainly your friend was devastated, it had to be much easier to leave and move on if there were no children, no assets, finances, etc etc after just three days of being married.

It would have been pretty easy for me to walk away if this would have happened a week or two weeks (or hell even a year) into our relationship. However, I have 10 years invested with my mate and I didn't feel that the A was worth just chucking everything. So we decided to try to see if we can work things out. Can we? Only time will answer that question. So far so good though.

Dan,

It seems that a few forums on this site do not lend themselves lightly to discussion. LOL. I understand your position, however, as soon as I read your post I also knew that you'd be branded an ass. I do not share that opinion. I understand why you're asking what you are. In fact, I can see your point, if you are only talking about a specific few. For the most part, people on this site and in this group are very supportive. Some are looking for a way out, some are looking for a way to heal, and others have been through it and are here to help guide those still in it through the choppy waters.

You have to realize that its about a lifelong commitment. Most of us decided we were going to be with our spouse forever, and with no one else. We promised to always love them and to see each other through the hard times and to be with them forever. When you decide to build a life with someone, its always devastating when they single handedly shatter that life around you. And it doesn't matter if its been a week, a month, a year or a decade. It hurts. It brings us to our knees and we are left asking why? Man or woman, it is devastating. I'll speak on behalf of the men here, because I know men don't like to be emotionally vulnerable and blah blah blah, but men still feel the pain, the anguish and the devastation that comes with something like this. And we are not by any means always the one that cheats.

Not everyone decides to leave as I did. I commend those (and their spouses) for doing the work to start over at ground zero and try to rebuild the trust and a life together. Some decide to leave and start over. I commend their bravery in doing so. Some feel that they can't leave due to children and assets; and while I don't share this opinion (in point of fact, I believe a child would rather be from a broken home than in one; and when I left, I took a big chance leaving with only the clothes I was wearing and my son, so remaining with assets...well, I just don't see it) I would never blast someone for staying for those reasons if that's what's stopping them in their situation.

The thing that confounds me are the people who find excuses to stay when the situation is completely destructive to anyone involved. People that refuse to get out even when they're presented with a way. There aren't many like that here, thankfully, and I have found nothing but support from 99% of the people I've talked to.

I think that you're not guilty of anything other than phrasing your post a little too harshly, but hey, live and learn. I have been guilty of that too, as I am somewhat new around here. Dust yourself off and move on and you will find that many here will support you on your journey.

Peace,

~A

I don't believe it was the questions you asked that set people off. I am going to go with "what a bitter, angry and sad support group this is" as the firestarter.

Might want to consider re-phrasing your posts in the future if you don't want to get pounced on. Starting with insults will not earn you any brownie points.

My reasons to stay and fight are many. The simplest answer to your question is I am not willing to throw away 20 years of my life so easily. I get that it can easily be said that my H was willing to do that by having an affair, but that is for me to decide.

In the meantime if I want to vent, question, or just be down right pissy at the circumstances I am in, (that I did not ask to be in), then I have a group of people here who can recognize what I am going through. They can let me spew my hatred to get it off my chest, they can send a hug, or they can give me a different perspective to look consider. That kind of support is invaluable and very necessary to rebuild with or without the cheating spouse.

For the record most of us do not wonder what we did to cause our SO to have an affair. We are never to blame for that. Many of us are willing to take a step back and see what are role was in getting our marriage to the point that it was.