It's the deception and the thought that he wanted someone else more than you. There are cheaters out there that have remorse and never do it again. The problem with that is how do you know for sure that you have one of those people? You don't know anything for sure! NOTHING in life is a guarantee. If you want to be with him and you believe he is sorry then just keep doing what your doing. It would be nice if we could just erase certain things out of our minds, but we can't. You will always remember this but the pain will lesson as the years pass. There is nothing easy about this process. What you are experiencing is normal. I hope he does understand the pain that he caused you. He needs to understand that even though he is forgiven, the bad memory of his discretion is still there. As long as he remains faithful and honest, you will be able to get the situation out of your mind. I hope this makes sense. No, he can't put a date on this. He needs to do whatever, UNTIL. The cheater never wants to hear the pain that they caused. They want to end the pain ASAP and that's not realistic. There are a lot of good books out there about infidelity for both of you. Are you seeking a counselor? Don't beat yourself up if you should decide you can't let this go. For me,it was the end of the relationship but it took me a while to discover that About three years. Both of you have to get very real with each other . Why he did it and why he won't do it again?????? How you feel about what he did?

I origionaly put a date of one year. That was big mistake. I gave myself the gift of time and worked on my own healing rather than just relying on H actions.

If you are struggling emotionaly you really may need to find new methods of healing. Ic, praying, reading books and mc are some ideas. Time stamp no. But hopefully you can progress forward and heal.

I think all BSs trying to reconcile go through this. We all wonder how long we should give it and we get mad at ourselves for taking too long to heal. We put ourselves on time tables that simply don't exist for this situation.

Though this is sometimes hard for me to accept, I've read that the BS can take 2-5 years to fully recover from the devastation of an A. According to that, you haven't even reached the minimum time yet if you're at 21 months. I'm barely at 18 months and I still have moments like you describe. I'm happy to say they are fewer and more far between but when they hit, you would think that the A happened 5 minutes ago with the power they pack.

It takes time. My H has also wondered aloud whether or not I will ever get past this. Ironically, I think that most CSs are looking for some sort of reassurance that if they do what they're suppose to do, this will have a happy ending. Since they brought this on however, part of their role is comforting you through those tough times and living with the uncertainty that it might not end the way they want.

You both have to understand that there is 'no date' you can put on it. Ask yourself this question: If you look at the big picture instead of the day to day routine of" two steps forward, 1 step back" is your overall progress going forward? If it is, then you're heading in the right direction.

Sending you support

You will never forget what happened.
You will likely never trust him like you formerly did.
You will likely never feel the same way toward him.

This does not mean that you can't have a good marriage. You must decide if you can accept what happened.

He cannot undo what he did....it's impossible.

Thanks to all that replied. At times I think I've hit the acceptence phase of this, but maybe I haven't. Maybe I'm still wishing this wasn't me, I don't want to be here! Then sometimes I just feel beaten and broken. Is that acceptence? Idk.

I still feel like a victim of some cruel joke. But this real, this is my reality now.I have to learn to deal with it. Put on my big girl panties and plow through this mess!

My fairytale is gone and it will never be the same. Thats life and we all know it can be so unfair. Thanks again.

I agree with Blindsided. If you choose to remain with him, then understand your marriage is going to be very different than it ever was. This has placed a new parameter in your field...like you said, your fairy tale is gone because he is clearly not a knight in shining armor.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Whatever you choose, go with is full-force. When I knew that being disrespected by my X's affair wasn't ever going to fly with me, I went with the divorce full-force. If you choose to stay, then be willing to truly stay and find a way to gain acceptance that he DID do this, and yes, now you know he really is the kind of man capable of doing this.

My husband too is trying to "mend" all that his actions have created. I filed for divorce within two days of learning of his affair. I am five months out and have a court date coming up soon. Do I still care for him-yes. Does he still care for me-I do think so. However, our current marriage is a lie. Rocked by his actions on so many levels. I do not know what a year from now might bring. But what I do know is that the marriage that we had will come to an end. What I dont know is what the future may bring after extensive counseling. Good luck. In my mind if there is to ever be a future it must start anew for it to stand a chance.

Rewrite your fairy tale. I now have a better and stringer marriage because almost losing me put my H in gear to make the changes he needed to. Ale to become a better H and father.

So Crushed - I have been where you are and it hurts, and it is confusing, and it is a roller coaster of good days and bad. But I am further along in the process (almost 5 years since I found out) so perhaps I can provide some perspective. I agree with the previous posts that setting a date for "getting over it" is not a good or helpful strategy. Just as everyone has different ways of healing, everyone has different timetables for healing. It is encouraging that you feel that your husband is remorseful and that he seems willing to do what it takes to help you to recover and rebuild, but he needs to understand that also includes giving you all the time you need to heal.

One issue that my husband and I discussed often with our MC is that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. This was a very difficult thing for my husband to accept, to know that he could be forgiven but that his affair would always be a part of our marital history. Not the only part, not the defining part, but it doesn't disappear and it can't be undone. That said it doesn't mean that you can't move on, recover and rebuild, and be happy together-- especially if both parities want to . And it seems like you both want to. I do recommend counseling, if possible. For us it was a good, safe venue for discussing the really hard and painful things.

Your fairytale comment really tugs at the heartstrings-everyone thought we had the perfect, fairytale marriage and that my husband was a prince. While it is devastating at first to have your fairytale shattered, the problem with fairytales is that they are fiction, and real life is decidedly non-fiction. Though I would never have wished for an affair to destroy our fairytale, our marriage is stronger and more honest now. But it took me a few years to get to the point were I could say that -- you are just beginning the process. It's too soon to know how it will turn out for you; too soon to know if you are married to The Big Bad Wolf, or to a good guy who made a Big Bad Mistake that he now regrets with all his heart. Don't worry about doing the wrong thing, just give yourself the time to figure it out.

It does get clearer, calmer and better as the days pass.