Hello sweetie. I am truly sorry you are going through this. It is definitly hard but try to not loose your faith. God has a plan for you and I am a true believer that he does not put too much on us that we can not handle. I am struggling with this also and I too have my down days, with today being one of them. But I put my faith in him(God). You will definitly get through this. Stay strong sweetie and I hope you feel better.

I am so sorry you have gone through such a rough time lately. Reading all you have gone through is making me tired. I cant imagine how you feel. I try (not successful at times) to literlly visualize myself getting pregnant. I also get Joel Olsten's daily devotional. It helps me understand life a little better and we can triumph after trials.

Thanks ladies, I am trying. I just feel alone trying to get through this. I'm also trying to understand why God has put me on this path. I love Joel Osteen and do receive daily devotionals.

Hi honey...Just wanted to tell you that your not alone with feeling the way you do. You've been through alot and it's hard to remain positive, I know. Struggling with the "why me" will continue I think until we hold our child for the first time. I cant believe Im telling YOU this....I need to listen to my own advise, LOL

I have kinda the same story(I had both tubes removed in 08, with IVF as my ONLY hope, FSH levels have been no higher then 9). I went through 3 IVF cycles, last one being the most successful since I made it to ER/ET and Beta but no baby! I respond poor to IVF meds OR my ovarian reserve is of a woman 10yrs older. I also developed type 1 diabetes since the last cycle. I have to now worry about my diabetes effecting implantation(at least that's what I've read). Nevertheless, I plan on trying again until I can take no more or have the sheriffs put me out my own house.....

Stay strong. Crying sometimes takes some of the stress away - feel free to do it anytime of the day.

I don't hold onto the faith too tight.
Sometimes it's there and sometimes it's not.

I believe in "giving it a go" and "trying again". My faith is in that and I know I will go as far as I can before I say "no more".

My hope is that they will find something else to increase our likelyhood or chances, and I have this weird way of thinking of IVF as a diagnostic tool as well as a treatment, with the hope that if it is not successful in giving me a baby, it may be successful in finding new or better ways to treat my inability to mix the dough, switch the oven on and leave the batter in long enough.

Then there are those other days when it is the very end of the world and I simply do not know what will become of me, a person who has made their exsistence about having a child before they even concieved.

It's okay to feel horrid, and it's okay to loose your faith once in a while, it's okay to stop and okay to keep going.

I wish I could hug you!

On a religious note;

I lost my spritual faith through the abuse of my body by others as a child, and the killing of my grandmother by a drunk driver, and the death of my friend just after sony signed him for a record deal, and when I lived with a most abusive man while my family cutt me off. I questioned myself, mankind and all those other things.
And I came to a better understanding of God's will and the inteligence he has given me, my strengths and abilities. I'm not a victim of life anymore, I'm just another person who's simply got to go on.
And going on is so much more than the exsistence I had before I knew me, and knowing me lets me know God better.
Then my father got cancer, and three weeks later was gone. But in those 3 weeks I had no fear for him and knew that he would "go home" and after 40 years of being a pilot he got his real wings.
Then I moved on, and faltered a few times that year, but back on track again.
And the miscarriages started.
Then the diagnoses and reality, and now I know what I have to do for me, my husband and my marriage. I have to give this IVF lark a shot and be grateful to God for all the advances in medicine and all the intelligence of all the people who do their best to help and improve the lives of countless people.

All those things and happenings has made my over all faith in God something I understood, chose and want.
Now it's stronger, and I'm definately a better person for it.
And like all relationships, the one with myself and the one with God need maintenance and work to keep them strong.

I don't always feel it, but in the worst moments of darkness, there is a bright light, and all I need to do is want to see it and look for it.

If I never have a child of my own or any other child, I know it will not make me a worse person because I will not forget to strive for a better tomorrow with what I do have.

God is Love, and sometimes our parents do weird things out of love that we don't understand or appreciate until a lot further down the road.

I have been fighting this IF battle for over 3 years and I know just how hopeless it can all seem.Just keep your eyes on the prize. One day you will hold a child in your arms. Maybe it will be from your own eggs or maybe from one of those angels out there called egg donors but it will be your child.I had to rely on two angels called embryo donors to finally get a BFP but I will forever be grateful to them for such a wonderful gift.I could not love this child more if it were from my own eggs. If you need some insight on DE we have a nice little board called egg and embryo donors and you can see some wonderful success stories over there that I hope will inspire you to keep the faith that you will someday have a child by whatever means necessary.

niece3297 thank you. You should listen to your own advice. Everyone needs some hope.
I guess I just needed some permission in a sense to feel the way I do. I will hope and pray that your next cycle is successful.
I admire your strength. I've had so much surgery, I haven't even gotten to the IVF cycle part yet. I think they want to clear the field of all the "weeds" before they start planing. Actually, I did not cry today, so I guess that's a start.
Thank you.

mamiJo, I've never heard of that saying. But it rings true because it feels like I'm white knuckling the faith part. As a chef, I love the baking analogy.
I completely agree with you regarding that your existence is based on having this child/these children that you know you're destined to have. I accept virtual hugs, because I really need them.
I think than within faith/religion/spirituality I will find the same answer which is to trust in HIM and have faith in HIM and just keep believing. However, I have all these reproductive challenges have all my doctors in the past sighing, looking me in the eye and tell me what they CAN do, but you can see behind their eyes that they're saying "what am I going to tell this woman about her chances". Luckily, I have a "no bullsh*t here" type of doctor, so I may have a chance to have IVF cycles using my own egg, but he's gently told me about donor eggs. But I'm still hoping and praying.
You hit it on the head, I know I'll appreciate my mother's stance on prayer further down the road.
You've gone through a lot too and I admire your strength. thank you

parothread, I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize. I'm so glad to hear from you. Since I may need an egg from an angel, was the process long for you and DH? Thanx for telling me. I will check the boards.
I think part of my "why" dilemma was that I accepted not being able to have children the "natural" way. I was taken a back that I might not be able to use my own eggs. I never expected that. But thank you for the hope and faith parothead.

I do have days (most days in fact) having no faith, my sister is pregnant, 26 weeks now, girls all around me at work being pregnant. My husband and I have been trying for 3 years now, we went to the specialists and they will not put me on the IVF list until my BMI gets down to 29, has anyone had this problem? My BMU is 33 at the moment, and I am working really hard to get it down but I also suffer with an under active thyroid so I do have slower metabolism then normal. We haven't really got the money to go privately. So we are now looking at adoption but you still have to be a certain BMI.

i'm sorry that you're feeling so sad - i understand and have been there!

i recently started seeing a therapist b/c i'm struggling to keep the faith myself. so far, it has helped a lot.

i would also recommend yoga, breathing exercises and meditation. when i can stick with doing those things i do feel better. i found a book over the summer that was called something like - fully fertile, 12 weeks to becoming fully fertile. the book was written by women who have dealt with IF and includes yoga, meditation exercises and other ideas to help you deal with the pain of this process.

i also try to remember to use the phrase/mantra: "this too shall pass". good or bad, the moment passes and we're on to the next moment in our lives. try to live each day in the moment and be grateful for what is positive in your life. i'm not great at this every day (see above mention of the therapist!) but it does help when i can stick with it!

best wishes to you!

oh and if you need a laugh and to remember you're not alone, check out this blog:

http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/

sometimes you need to find the humor in our situation (i guess there is some!).

((((hug))))

lourocket, maybe we can all share some faith together.Some days (oddly enough today), I'm feeling a little more faithful. Be happy for your sister and spoil your niece or nephew when they get here. With regards to to your BMI, think of it as a time to work from within to make yourself healthier, so that your baby will be healthy as possible. I can say this because I've struggled with my weight. Trust me, during these times of sadness, my best friend was food. If I went back to my old ways I would have had boxes of Twinkies. Walk more, drink lots of water and learn to broil and steam your foods. Don't give up. I'm sharing some faith with you today.

cg912, I'll look for that book. Honestly, I'd love to go to a therapist or vacation, but we want to save all of our funds for IVF. I'm currently not working right now because of surgery, so I'll have to try that book. By the way, that website is pretty funny.
Thanks ladies