Infertility Support Group
In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.
Hi Ladies,
This is a post about adoption v. going with donor eggs/sperm. I am personally interested about what others thoughts are about this subject because I have read a lot of interesting things on here from many of you and it interests me to know where you come from when you decide either to go with adoption or with doner eggs/sperm (assuming you could do doner eggs or sperm rather than adoption).
Perhaps this is because I am adopted, so I am more comfortable with it in general, but if my husband and I found out we couldn't have children together, and assuming there was no issue with my uterus thus allowing me to carry a child, we would choose adoption rather than doners. Until reading posts from women who were choosing to use either doner sperm or doner eggs it actually never even occured to me to use this option. Personally, in terms of donor sperm, even if my husband said he would be ok with it I wouldn't choose it because I would always wonder if he felt it was unfair that the child was genetically mine while not genetically his. In terms of donor eggs, my reasons for not doing this would be the same as above but switched, and then the cost. I would rather spend my money on the adoption process and adopt a child in need of a home rather than spending thousands on donor eggs.
I am very interested in hearing all of your views on what you would choose and why. Especially from those of you who have chosen to use donors of one kind or another, or those who have chosen to adopt when you had the option of using donors. Please do not feel like you will be judged if you reply with your own thoughts, I just love to understand other peoples' thoughts and the reasons behind their own decisions, especially when they are different from my own.
This is a post about adoption v. going with donor eggs/sperm. I am personally interested about what others thoughts are about this subject because I have read a lot of interesting things on here from many of you and it interests me to know where you come from when you decide either to go with adoption or with doner eggs/sperm (assuming you could do doner eggs or sperm rather than adoption).
Perhaps this is because I am adopted, so I am more comfortable with it in general, but if my husband and I found out we couldn't have children together, and assuming there was no issue with my uterus thus allowing me to carry a child, we would choose adoption rather than doners. Until reading posts from women who were choosing to use either doner sperm or doner eggs it actually never even occured to me to use this option. Personally, in terms of donor sperm, even if my husband said he would be ok with it I wouldn't choose it because I would always wonder if he felt it was unfair that the child was genetically mine while not genetically his. In terms of donor eggs, my reasons for not doing this would be the same as above but switched, and then the cost. I would rather spend my money on the adoption process and adopt a child in need of a home rather than spending thousands on donor eggs.
I am very interested in hearing all of your views on what you would choose and why. Especially from those of you who have chosen to use donors of one kind or another, or those who have chosen to adopt when you had the option of using donors. Please do not feel like you will be judged if you reply with your own thoughts, I just love to understand other peoples' thoughts and the reasons behind their own decisions, especially when they are different from my own.
We have discussed adoption again (even though it would cost more than Malachi's did) but we would not go with donor sperm or eggs for the same reasons as you. We would choose to adopt again. Although I would love to carry a child to term (we lost 2 and are praying this one "Nemo" holds on) it is more important to us to give a child who needs a good home a home and a family. I can tell you that I do not love the child growing inside of me any differently than I love my son!
We were able to do frozen donor eggs cheaper than adopting, and the process of getting the eggs and having the transfer only took two months. So we went the donor egg route. Plus, I've always wanted to grow a baby inside me (if possible).... and if I could give my hubby a child that is genetically his, it's a plus. If I were in my thirties, I would consider adoption as well.
Either way, donor or adoption, even if the child is not ours (genetically) we are still parents and will love the child just the same.
If I were younger, I would advise people to not rule out anything. They should look into ivf and adoption at the same time and get the ball rolling, because it can take a long time
Also, healthy newborn babies dont go without loving homes in the US they are actually often times quite expensive (the agencies we talked to quoted 25-35K) and waiting lists can be very long (we have friends who have been waiting 2+ years, short sold their house to do it and are still waiting!). There are a lot of hoops to jump through to be accepted (back tax returns, pictures of your home, personal statements from friends and coworkers, religious views, etc etc) and you are sort of advertising yourself to the birth parents (after all of the heartache of infertility, I dont know if I have the strength right now for all of that judgement).
As of now, we feel like we would like to have more than one child and since the odds of that happening through my body are pretty slim (2 frozen embryos left and lots of tries to get here), once the embryos have been implanted if they dont take, then we will probably adopt- but not a baby- more like a 5+year old or a sibling group- those are the kids who really need homes.
Many paths to parenthood, good luck on yours!
I tried adoption one time. It failed. Adoption of a newborn is more expensive than a donor egg cycle FYI. Its about 30k-40k. Every case my attorney offered me for a newborn had a birth mother with a drug history and use of street drugs while pregnant. I was matched with a birthmother that was on Methadone due to opiate addiction. I caught her smoking cigarettes after I went to an ultrasound. The baby was born in severe withdrawal from drugs and was very sick in the NICU for many weeks. The race of the baby was not the race of the birth parents. Sooo another possible father needed to be found. The adoption failed due to not having the strength to dealing with this. I am still open to the idea but must be aware that its not always a smooth ride.
Adopting an older child isn't easy either. They are over the age of 5 and need lots of TLC while adjusting. Some of us really want a newborn and its ok to want that.
Donor egg is 10k to 25k... much less if you go international. higher prices with agencies and if you are seeking specific donors. Donor egg children allow us to experience pregnancy. Allow us to eat and care for our bodies as a nurturing mother. Allow our fetus to grow drug free and alcohol free.
So we have many options.. And each of us know what we can and cannot handle to build a family :-)
All of these children are perfectly healthy. Very smart and a true blessing. They are all very lucky families..
I also adopted an embryo after several failed IUI's and IVF's we couldn't afford to do that anymore and we were on the list for adoption with a very active profile we decided to adopt an embryo. We just needed to be trying but I was done with the whole IVF process for awhile, we had a 50% chance the donor embryo would even work. But it did and we had our 2nd son 5 months after our first was born. Very blessed!!
We are on the path to try 1 more IVF with our own stuff. Donor egg is just too expensive for us even though success rates are higher we are only trying 1 more time. We are thrilled with the 2 blessings we already have.
Good luck on your journey!
1) In this area donor eggs cycle are cheaper, easier and faster than adoption. And probably have a high success rate of bring home a baby.
2) I am being selfish and want to experience a pregnancy, especially after my mc last winter.
3) Using a donor egg means our children will be genetically my husbands (really important to both of us) but still biologically mine. Check out epigenetics... its the study of genes but one part of it is how a woman carrying a baby via donor egg actually has a lot of influence on what the child will look like.
4) My husband is not ready to consider adoption yet. I am all for the idea but want to try to get pregnant any way we can first. But we may actually do foster to adopt instead.
Regarding adoption, unless you foster to adopt, it is quite expensive as well. Although the tax credit does help, I will be spending more on adoption the DE. And as someone else mentioned, its not so much the newborns that are in need of families but the older children stuck in the system.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best!
I'm adopted, I'm fine adopting and so is DH; yet I have a desire to GIVE BIRTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DH came to terms with a donor a LONG time ago when we found out he had low morphology and hideous motility. So we did donor sperm, but we are also pursuing the adoption route by being foster parents in the mean time...the way my d/h puts it, if it's at least half of us, all of us, or none of us, we're not going to love it any less.
For me, I want the experience of carrying a baby to term and giving birth to that child. That desire drives me towards the donor option before adoption. That being said, I look at using donor eggs/sperm in very much the same light that I view adoption - the resulting child would be MINE regardless of his/her genetic origins. It's the day-in-day-out actions that make one a parent, more than the ability to continue genetic material.
Here's the other thing that scares me about adoption: I'm 38, my husband is 48. I quit my job when job-relatefd stress contributed to a miscarriage almost 2 years ago and haven't worked since. I've got big student loan debt hanging out there, and my hubby had debts of his own. All of which adds up to this: I want desperately to spend every day of the rest of my life doing the very best I possibly can to parent a child. But what judge in his/her right mind would agree to give a baby/child to an old lady with big debts and no income?