Infertility Support Group
In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.
Here I am a well educated, professional 31 year old who 6 months ago got a diagnosis after two miscarriages that there was a strong possibility that I would never be able to carry a child.
My husband and I always thought we had a lots of time to decide if we wanted children or not. We figured we would be late to the party and have them a little older and a little later then our friends. We were too busy traveling, having adventures, sleeping late on Sundays and enjoying other things.
When i got the diagnosis I was sad and felt a loss, but decided not to fixate on it. I was never really sure if we were ever going to have kids so I put it to the back on my mind and tried to make peace that my life was great the way it was. Then my third miscarriage happened and I started to feel the terrible weight of the diagnosis.
I hate to burden people, especially when so many friends and peers and family have their own struggles, so I kept this to myself. I don't speak much about it to my husband and my mother does not even know.
I finally had to bread my silence and tell my best friend. She announced to me that she was pregnant. I was happy and excited then went home and cried all night. I cried all the following day and ended up telling her everything that was happening. I thought that by telling her it would lift the weight and help me to continue in this active dialog with her and her pregnancy but every time we talk about how she is feeling, or her appointments or "baby things" I begin to struggle again. I feel the pit in my stomach getting wider. I feel the terrible pain of holding back tears and I feel the awful AWFUL feeling of resentment.
How do you deal with people around you, close friends, family, co-workers being pregnant around you?
My husband and I always thought we had a lots of time to decide if we wanted children or not. We figured we would be late to the party and have them a little older and a little later then our friends. We were too busy traveling, having adventures, sleeping late on Sundays and enjoying other things.
When i got the diagnosis I was sad and felt a loss, but decided not to fixate on it. I was never really sure if we were ever going to have kids so I put it to the back on my mind and tried to make peace that my life was great the way it was. Then my third miscarriage happened and I started to feel the terrible weight of the diagnosis.
I hate to burden people, especially when so many friends and peers and family have their own struggles, so I kept this to myself. I don't speak much about it to my husband and my mother does not even know.
I finally had to bread my silence and tell my best friend. She announced to me that she was pregnant. I was happy and excited then went home and cried all night. I cried all the following day and ended up telling her everything that was happening. I thought that by telling her it would lift the weight and help me to continue in this active dialog with her and her pregnancy but every time we talk about how she is feeling, or her appointments or "baby things" I begin to struggle again. I feel the pit in my stomach getting wider. I feel the terrible pain of holding back tears and I feel the awful AWFUL feeling of resentment.
How do you deal with people around you, close friends, family, co-workers being pregnant around you?
I truthfully really struggle with friends pregnancies. I am of course happy for them, but also need to separate myself from them some so that I do not hurt for me or my husband. We have been trying for 4 years now and most of our friends get pregnant in 3 or less months. Its really hard.
Most of our friends do not know our struggles, so they do not really get me being distant. But the friends that do know, understand why we do not talk or hang out much.
I would be open with her. Tell her how happy you are for her, but how you are hurting for yourself right now, and need to take some time away. She will hopefully understand. But do not feel bad if she does not. If a woman has not walked a day in the shoes of something with IF, then they may just not grasp what we go through.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. But know you can always come here to bitch and moan, because WE GET IT!
I think that you are all right, putting a bit of distance between us while I work out my own feelings is probably best. Also, speaking to her when I am having a rough day may curb some of the "pregnancy talk" between us. She is a very amazing person and I feel very confident that she will be able to understand and respect my feelings. I personally need to learn that it is ok to burden my close friends with my feelings because they are my friends, that is what they are there for.
Reply to BecMarie Do they know exactly what the cause is that you potentially couldn't carry a baby?
Yes, I have adenomyosis covering most of my uterus but while going through the ultra sounds for this, it was also discovered that my uterus is slightly deformed. So, I have no problem conceiving, but the egg has no place to latch on to for long. So I have never made it past 7.5 weeks.
The real sad thing is that I never knew if I truly WANTED children and always figured that if I changed my mind I could have them. Now, knowing that there is not a real choice (without a long road that some of you wonderful ladies are traveling down), I am having a tough time coping.
Thank you again for all your wonderful support. It really lifted my spirits today. I am going to make a point to make some "self care" plans for tonight and put some space between me and my friend while I sort out my feelings. You are all pretty amazing. Thank you again.
I know it is the Dr's job to give us a diagnosis, but honestly.... screw them. So many of us have been told our chances to conceive on our own are slim to none, and like me, some have been given no reason. Ladies prove the Dr's wrong all the time, and I have faith and hope for all of us.
Being around people who are pregnant, especially friends/family close to us, is one of the hardest parts. I wish I could give you a magic formula to make it easier. All I can say is to do your best in public, and cry, punch, scream, and pout all you want in private. Nothing is wrong with that. If it becomes unbearable, and you feel your friend is easy to talk to.... Be honest with her. You are excited for her, you want to talk about her happy times, but you are having a hard time with your own journey. Maybe send her an article to read that has already described how to be around an infertile. It's hard to explain on our own, but so many articles are there to help. This is a good one: http://www.resolve.org/
I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the strength in the world.
I have been going through the same thing as Decembers except it's my younger brother instead of my friend. When he told me they were pregnant I did my best to smile and show I care. I let her borrow my What to Expect When You're Expecting book and gave her a baby blanket that I had made. Then, my brother had the gall to tell me that I wasn't happy enough for him and he thought that I wanted them to have a miscarriage. I was so offended by this that we have barely spoken since. There's a lot of history between my brother and I (he only started to try because he wanted to give my parents a grandbaby first). But I'm going to send him the article above and keep biting my tongue and hope that one day things will get better. Best of luck to you! We're all here for you when you need us
It is ok to cry about things like that. We know you are happy for her. You just need some time to let it sink in and come to terms with it before you know it your friendship with be back to normal.
I had to attend my best friends baby shower the day I found out our first iui failed, it was torture to for me to sit there with her as she opened up all these cute little baby gifts and everyone o'ed and aw'ed at them...gag me haha. Thank god her mom is awesome and made sure alcohol was there...I practically drowned myself in wine that day.
Now her son is 5 months old and I am the proudest Aunt around. I am constantly flashing his picture and spend so much time with him.
Everyone deals with it differently and it takes others longer than some. All I can say is be thankful for the life you have now, focus on you 100% and just breath anytime you feel that emotional wave come over you just take deep breaths.
(((HUGS)))