Hi! I've seen your name pop up in similar places / discussions as me. I can relate very much. There's so many components to all of this that can cause so many negative feelings and anxiety - Having to deal with it in your relationship, having to deal with people who know, people who don't know, people who are expecting that are close to you, the WAIT, the doctors, the monthly disappointment... literally I could go on and on with all the variables that just make this so much harder! There are times my husband completely gets where I am coming from and understands. Then other times he will act just like you said - it is what it is and we can't control it, just let it be. I gently remind him I'm glad he can feel this way... but I'm still working on it and I can't force myself to feel better or want to put myself in situations that are just going to make me feel worse.

Would you be comfortable with your husband saying something to his sisters? Maybe just opening up and tell them you don't want their pity, but here's what is going on. It might lighten the burden of having this all on your chest. They won't be able to understand 100%, but at least they'll know it's hard on you as a woman and maybe they'll try harder on their end not to cram their stuff down your throat and talk about normal human being things outside of their stuff. I know it's hard and trust me I'm so uncomfortable in so many situations, but it has helped a little knowing my husband was able to tell his family some things and I didn't have to do it. I sometimes feel like the freaking elephant in the room, but i guess it's better than having a full blown meltdown because someone is an ass about saying something! :)

No judgement at all. I have to repeat in my head like a mantra now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. It hurts every time i tell myself this because I know I don't but those feeling just pop right in when I don't want them. But you don't have anything to be ashamed of - neither your feelings or your situation.

Hi there! I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but I want you to know that you are not alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pulling away, having these feelings, and taking care of yourself first.

I know that I'm doing the same thing with my friends who are pregnant right now. I avoid talking to them as regularly as I was before and I sometimes avoid seeing them. It is nothing that they've done and I feel selfish for thinking this way sometimes but then I remind myself that it is ok to be selfish sometimes.

I also understand about not wanting to talk about it because you don't want a pity party. Sometimes I want to talk about it but most times I keep it wrapped up inside. I have found that since I've found this forum that I have posted a couple of things and it's just helped to get things off my chest. I find all the replies I've gotten have been very kind and non judgmental. I think it's important to vent when you need to and get it off your chest. It seems like this is a safe place to do that.

I feel like this time in our lives is an interesting one. It's like wanting a new car and then seeing every person in the world driving that same car. Right now I swear everyone in the universe is pregnant. What water are they drinking, because I need to get some! It's really hard to see people that you care about happy with a baby when thats something that you want most. It's ok to feel that way.

Also I try to talk to my husband about it but I don't think that we think the same way so it's hard. I also don't think he can relate because I feel like women are born nurturers and the lack of pregnancy for me has been devastating. I'm not sure he has the same thought that way. I found that writing my husband letters has helped me present my thoughts in a productive way and gives me time to think before I just blow up.

We've been trying for I guess 17 months now. Our first appointment with the specialist was in November 2017, which was a little over a year of trying for us. By the time I had all my results back and next appt it wasn't until mid January and I was partly through a cycle. So last month we did clomid and IUI which didn't work. We're trying that again this month. My doctor never told me but it sounds like IUIs not working the first time is very common. I've had a pity party for myself the first 2 days of my period and now day 3 I'm back on the clomid and I'm taking care of me.

I'm generally a people pleaser always going out of my way to make sure everyone else is taken care of. This experience has changed me and I will never be the same person that I was. I'm starting to own taking care of myself first. Apply your oxygen mask first, before assisting others.

I think most importantly you should allow yourself some grace during this time. This is not a permanent situation and its hard but I always believe that there is a reason that we experience something. We will all learn something out of it. I've learned a lot of patience so far with mine.

I hope that my long winded response is helpful to you and that I've not overstepped. I hope that you can allow yourself to have these feelings and find a way to work with them.
All the best in your TTC journey!
-J

I just wanted to say that I found your message an extremely helpful one to hear (I'm sure not helpful for you to send). My husband and I aren't struggling with infertility, but are undergoing IVF because I have a genetic disorder capable of mutating and impacting our children. After almost a year of testing, egg harvesting, more testing, hormones, more testing, and more ultrasounds than I can remember, our first attempt to transfer an embryo was unsuccessful.

I feel so angry at everyone who has children, who is posting on the internet with their baby photos, who is blissfully announcing their pregnancy, all the while oblivious about how hard this is for some people. Making matters worse, my sister has a baby who just turned 1, who I think is adorable but sometimes feel like maybe I'm resentful of. I don't want to talk to anyone who has a baby, is planning on having a baby, or is pregnant because I feel angry and sad all at the same time. I feel like a bad friend and a bad sister and also a bad daughter (my parents care for my nephew most days so they are also always talking to him/about him when I call).

It is really helpful to hear that someone else feels this way. I know it isnt much comfort right now, but to me it means the world to know I'm not alone and this is "normal" for whatever normal is.

We just transferred a second embryo yesterday and I just feel like I'm counting down the days until I hear it didn't work, just bracing myself for the pain again. My husband is trying to be positive and say we don't know anything yet and 60% of people don't have any symptoms after an embryo transfer. He's right, I know he is, but I just can't get there.

Look at that, you already have several people who can relate and support you! I'm another one. I recently have been going through something very similar. My brother just got married last summer and they are already expecting their first this coming summer! They weren't even trying to have a child this fast. I am over the moon to be an aunt but for some reason being around my pregnant sister-in-law is very hard. I feel like after she gives birth, it'll be better because my hurdle is seeing her pregnant. I am fairly close to her so I feel so guilty avoiding her and turning her down to hang out and do stuff. She knows about my fertility issues and that I've been down since I had a miscarriage last year but she is not getting the hint that it's her. She is trying to be there for me and comfort me but that's the opposite of what I want! I feel selfish avoiding her, like I am punishing her for just trying to be nice and wanting a friend. It's not her fault. So I battle with this every day! I feel so bad! I also have been avoiding babysitting some of my friends' kids because it makes me yearn to be a mother so much. Telling you this is not only advice but it's helping me too: Do what you have to do and don't let it get to you. You are doing what is best for you. What good are you to your cause if you stress yourself out like that. We can do this. It's hard (some days A LOT more than others!) but it will be so worth it in the end when we finally get there. I'm really hoping for you.

Hi again everyone! It’s been such a busy couple of weeks and I haven’t been on here as much as I wanted to (I didn’t forget about you)! I truly appreciate everyone taking their time to read my post and share their stories, thoughts and advice.

@callie2988 Yes I have seen you pop in similar places as well! Yup-you named all the variables and together we can continue the list I bet. And same re my husband. Sometimes he does understand and other times he is just realistic in the fact that this our situation and we’re doing what we need to do and not worry about anyone else. I’m still not comfortable with his brothers knowing (although it would probably explain my behavior if anyone has even picked up on it) but I don’t know, I can’t 100% pinpoint why I’m so sensitive about his brothers knowing. From I’m finally learning that it IS OK to have these feelings and to not feel bad about any way that I am feeling. Its (unfortunately) the way I’m dealing with it and if that works for me, then its ok and I will deal with this at my own pace.

I did recently tell my close group of girlfriends what was going on and just being able to get it off my chest to a few more people was a good feeling. It has also helped that a friend of a friend is further into this journey with IUI attempts and IVF so I have talked with her, and like here, having someone who really GETS it helps.

@jnicole Thank you :) it does bring comfort that I am not alone in this, not that I want anyone to be going through this, but not being the only one in the world makes me feel better. And exactly - it’s nothing that they’ve done, it’s not their fault we are having issues but that is so hard to remember amongst all these feelings inside. And like you, when I remember its ok that I feel this way. I need to remember it is not permanent, but I can’t shake the negative thoughts in that I’ll never be pregnant. I agree 100% in “everything happens for a reason.” Right now I am waiting for that reason to show itself but I know that it will! And your response was helpful and certainly not overstepping, I appreciate the honesty. I jumped on to your profile to see where you are at with this month’s IUI and a few days away from taking a pregnancy test. I am sending the best vibes your way!!!

@RachelS I am glad that my message was helpful to you :) and in everything that you are saying I agree with you so much. Having babies and pregnancy constantly surround you makes it so much worse. For me, seeing both sisters in law pregnant makes me sad, jealous, resentful, etc. I’m sad because going through all this time makes me want my own baby more than ever, I am jealous because 1. I would enjoy being pregnant with them and 2. I had a plan in my head that I would have my 3-4 kids by my early to mid 30’s and that plan isn’t panning out and resentful in not wanting to be around them or their kids right now. So many feelings, so many emotions but being able to relate with here does make a world of a difference. I am wishing you the absolute best with the 2nd embryo transfer!!

@Yorkie yes, it is a good feeling in having those who can relate and support me and I hope everyone here feels the same way! I don’t know why it is so much worse for me having it be his FAMILY. Two of my friends have babies and I don’t have any of these feelings. If anything, I am sad that I do not have my own yet but that’s as far as it gets. And that is great advice – you summed it up perfectly. I’m doing what I have to do for myself and can’t let it get to me. We CAN do this, we CAN get through these hard days and it will be worth it in the end, although day in and day out those days can be tough. And thank you, I am hoping for you too!!

To end this,I just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU and want you all to know that having the support truly makes me feel at ease.