Hi, I'm new to this group. I've had an awful day and just felt like I should get stuff off my chest. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for nearly 4 years. My life was all about partying and having fun before this and I assumed that as soon as it was time to have a baby, it would happen even if I required some help. 

I have endometriosis and got a laparoscopic surgery done 4 years ago following which I was certain I'd get pregnant. My doctor put me on Clomid and that didn't work as planned as didn't the timed intercourse. Subsequently, we tried 2 IUIs and those didnt work either at which point we moved on to IVF.  I was aware that it could possibly take more than 1 try to get this to work but after the first failed IVF, i had a strange bleeding issue which persisted for months. After endless medication, it finally went away and the doctor indicated that it was a reaction to all the medication I had been on.

The second IVF only took place a year later. I had made a number of changes to my lifestyle and this time I had 5 day 3 embryos of which 2 didn't take. We moved on to the 3rd IVF a few months later (only because I have this bleeding issue which means I can't do cycles consecutively). This failed too and I didn't have any embryos remaining. Again, i tried to change a lot of things about my lifestyle but in the process of all this, i ended up losing myself and had countless arguments with my husband - our marriage has really suffered and he has come to his wits end with the process because of what I've become. I dont believe having a child is that important to him because for him, our relationship is enough but ive always imagined a family with our own children. I'm a type A personality and I try so hard to control the process and it is hard to let go. 

This year I did another egg retrieval making it my third full cycle and fourth transfer. This time the doctor did my amh test again and said that my numbers had gotten really low for a 36 year old due to diminished ovarian reserve and suggested the donor route which isn't what we were looking for. Till this cycle, he had been transferring day 3 embryos as he didn't think my embryos could make it to day 5 and he said if none of my embryos make it to day 5, he suggests cancelling the cycle because realistically it doesn't make sense to go on and on like this especially given all the issues I face in between cycles. Ironically, 2 embryos made it to the blast phase and they were of good quality..i was so excited about these blasts and decided to ensure we only put these back in when the time was right and work was a bit quieter..i waited a whole 8 months to be put them back in only to find out today that it is likely a chemical pregnancy...it feels like a cruel joke...my hcg levels were at 19 today and I just can't understand it all...

I don't believe anyone deserves this...im tired and I don't know if I can go on like this...i prayed for a pregnancy and I got one - just not the kind I was hoping for...this has really made me struggle with my faith too and I'm so closed to talking to anyone about how i feel...i barely even tell my husband what is going on in my head...i really need the strength to keep going but I don't know if I have it in me...but if I don't, then how will this dream be realised, how will my parents have any grandchildren...where does this end? Why is this happening? My husband said that he doesn't think it makes sense for us to go on without living our lives to the fullest...he thinks that i may not be able to mentally handle another cycle and his priority is us being ok and he doesn't want to look back years from now and feel like we wasted too much time chasing a dream that may not be..he is still the same as when I married him 9 years ago...he still loves to party and have a good time but I'm just not there anymore...ive gotten so immersed in this web and I don't know how to help myself understand the reality and open myself to more people about my situation...i don't know how to feel normal anymore