Hi, everyone. I've been coming on here for awhile now, but I have finally officially joined so this is my first time writing. I love coming to this site because I often feel alone in my own thoughts, and when I come here I know I'm not. I appreciate that you are all willing to share your stories so here is mine. My DH and I have been TTC for over two years. We have been together for close to ten years and have been married for 3 1/2 years. Ever since I was 14 years old, people have asked me if I'm pregnant, when I'm due, if this is my first... Due to issues I had as a child, my digestive tract is horribly slowed down so I suffer from frequent, extremely severe bloating. So as a result, I often look pregnant. Once a customer at the bank I used to work at told me I looked seven months pregnant even after I told her I wasn't! Fortunately, this was before I started TTC. Once, a customer (when I worked at CVS) bought me flowers because he felt so bad that he asked. I now work in an office and no longer with the public so these questions are not nearly as frequent, but every time I get them, they hurt even more than they used to. It is amazing how rude people can be! It's always so awkward when someone asks so I used to pretend like I was as long as I knew I would never see them again. It made it so much easier, but now I can't bear to do that. When people first started asking me, I was really young so it would always make me cry. But as time went on, I got so used to it that it barely fazed me anymore. But now, it hurts just to look in the mirror at my bloated, pregnant looking belly to know that there's nothing in there aside from air.
I used to be afraid that I would have problems with pregnancy because of my issues, but I've had several doctors tell me this should not interfere (still not sure if that's true or not). They said I just might have a very uncomfortable pregnancy (even more so than usual). My sister always had problems with her period (she would bleed heavily for weeks and then not get it for months), but mine was always normal so I thought I would have no problems conceiving. (She had problems; she has PCOS and endometriosis, and it took her five years to get pregnant with her first after she decided to adopt. She never ended up adopting. Instead she had a second after two months of being on Clomid, and now she acts as if anyone get pregnant just because she did.)
My DH and I started dating at a young age (I was 17 and he was 19), and we always talked about having kids and starting a family. We waited until after we got married and bought a house, and then we decided to try in July 2009. At first, my period would come late (I had been off the pill since March), and then I would be disappointed to get a negative pregnancy test and then to get my period. But then I wouldn't get my period for months, and my DH thought I was stressing about it too much. I ended up going to an OB/GYN and had blood work done which came out normal. Then a pelvic ultrasound, also normal. Then my Dr. finally put me on clomid for three cycles and no luck. At this point, I was becoming very depressed about the situation. How ironic and horrible is it that I have looked pregnant throughout my entire adolescent and adult life, but now that I actually want to get pregnant I can't?
We took a break for a bit just to take eliminate some stress, and then in June 2011, I had an HSG test done. It was extremely painful since my right tube was blocked, and they had to force the dye through my left one. They managed to open it, and they told me the next 3 mths would be the best time to try since I had one tube open. They referred me to an IF clinic for further testing and treatment (BTW, I still don't get a regular period, and my DH has never gotten a semen analysis done; he was supposed to, but he was afraid of the results and kept putting it off, thinking I was the one with the issues anyway). My DH and I ended up fighting about trying more b/c he has such a bad back from work. Our next step was to go to the IF clinic; my insurance was through his work, and it was awesome. It covered 6 cycles of IUI and 3 cycles of IVF. But his back was getting worse, and he had to make a change b/c he physically couldn't handle his job anymore (maintenance work). So he ended up quitting his job, and he cashed out his 401K (and will be cashing out employee stocks this March). It was a really tough decision, but we decided it would be for the best. He was supposed to rest for awhile so he could heal and then look for another job with good insurance. But now it's been since August, and his back hasn't been much better. He's talking about working from home and doing odd jobs that won't pay for good insurance. I got insurance through my work, but I work for a small company, and it doesn't cover IF treatments at all.
So, I'm 26 years old (will be 27 in Feb), and my husband will be 30 in July. I know we're still young, but I know the older you get the harder it gets. And it's already been hard! And I have no idea when we'll really be able to "try" again. We've been having unprotected sex all this time, and I still think from time to time maybe I'm pregnant. But I never am. I feel like I'll never see a positive pregnancy test. And I'm just so afraid we'll never be able to start a family. I remember being so excited about having two spare bedrooms in our house because one would be the nursery, and then eventually our kids' bedrooms. Now they're just spare, empty rooms. I wanted to make my husband's parents grandparents for the first time, but now it might end up being his much younger sister (she's only 20). I have been feeling so depressed lately, and my only saving grace is that I finished writing my novel (depression does fuel creativity), and I'm working on self-publishing it. So I keep thinking maybe it's for the best. I would never have accomplished my dream if I weren't infertile, but then I worry my book won't succeed anyway. And I'll still be childless. Like all of you know, we're constantly reminded of what we don't have everywhere we go. And we're expected to act happy for others and to put on a smiling face when all we want to do is cry. And after all, how can you be sad about something you never had in the first place? Well, pretty easily when faced with the fear that you'll never have a baby, that you'll never be a mother... We can't afford IVF or adoption right now (the lump sum of money we got has to go towards our mortgage and other bills esp. now that my DH is no longer working). Maybe someday. But what if that day never comes?
My DH has been fairly supportive overall. He says he loves me no matter what, even if we can't have kids, he won't regret marrying me. He doesn't blame me in anyway. But then he says I talk about it too much, and I need to be more positive. Now he wants me to go see a psychiatrist to see if pills would help (I've been to a therapist for OCD but also talked about my IF struggles).
So, I'm so sorry this is so long, but I am a novelist. :) My book isn't about infertility, but the next one just might be! As all of you are experiencing, this is such a difficult thing to go through, and no one understands who hasn't been there. The thought of how many people get knocked up when they didn't want a kid in the first place seriously sickens me. The last thing I need to hear is them complain about how crappy they feel when I feel pretty crappy too, and I won't have a bundle of joy in the end.
Thanks again for sharing your stories, and I sincerely hope you all get a precious baby (no matter how - whether through IVF, adoption, surrogacy, miraculous conception...)! Good luck!