I think you are being incredibly brave and strong! It's always the same for me too. The prep is always filled with hope and possibility and then the doubt takes over. I feel foolish and then I beat myself up because maybe if I was a more positive person I would be pregnant by now. Maybe it's my anxiety and dark emotions that are getting in the way. I'm a bit of a control freak- can you tell? ; ) You are not foolish at all and I think it's only normal and human to feel those things. Until a thing has happened to you it can seem unthinkable that it ever will. Every girlfriend I know that's gone through this all told me they felt the same way--that it would never happen. But for them it eventually did. Hoping and praying the same for us!

I completely know how you feel. I do the exact same thing as you and mkpatz. I'm all positive and hopeful in the beginning and then full of anxiety and negative if I hear even one bit of bad news. Ya know what though, it's completely normal. There is no manual that tells us how to handle infertility and the hardships that come with it. I find what helps me is staying busy and focusing on doing things that make me feel really happy. Anything outside, reading, and hanging out with my husband. I try to turn my negative thoughts into realistic ones. When I am in a poor me state and I think "I'm never going to get fucking pregnant!!!" I think, ok that's not true. It is possible and I'm doing everything in my power to make it happen. lol Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I will be praying our next cycles work! This is going to be our time! Sending positive vibes to Cali!

Thanks for your reply ladies... I am such a ball full of emotions right now- I am pretty sure I am a miserable person to be around. I just want everyone to understand the turmoil I am going through, but no one does except you guys :) I am so grateful for people who understand this torture... Hope everyone is doing well.

Huge hugs. I saw a sports psychologist during my fertility treatments for a number of reasons, some of which you named. Staying positive felt fake, forced, and naive. He was a huge help. Also, fertility affirmations were a HUGE help. You can find them on iTunes. They say stupid things like "my womb is ready for a baby", "I am fertile" "my body is ready to accept a baby."

At first, hearing the words felt like a total lie and stressed me out. Then I slowly realized that if I couldn't even listen to a damn tape for 30 seconds without increased blood pressure, how the heck was I going to react come implantation day. So I pushed on.

I feel like the tapes mentally prepared me for the next step: the end of my infertility. My son is now 2 years old. Staying stress free is so hard, but in animal studies (sorry, they don't test humans like this), they found fish who were stressed out couldn't have babies. Their eggs were just too fragile or something. So I tried hard to really reduce my stress. The sports psychologist also said to do little things to make me happy.

He said: what would make you happy today after our session? What would relieve some of the stress? I said a McDonald's ice cream cone. He started giggling and said, well then go and get an ice cream! I don't know what your anti stress is, getting nails done, reading trashy magazines, going window shopping, reading a book, all of the above, none of the above...

Life is too short. Find a bit of happiness and hold on tight. You are strong. You are amazing.