I just wanted to reach out, since I'm new to this support group. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed but am reassured to know that this community of strong women is out there to offer help. :)

My TTC timeline looks a little like this:

2003-2011: Happily married and actively trying to NOT get pregnant

October 2011-March 2014: Went off birth control because I had just turned 34, knew that pregnancy became more risky @ 35 and up, and because of power outages. Yep, you heard me right! Our area had experienced a crazy storm in October that caused tons of power outages, including at the grocery store where I regularly filled my OCP prescription. So, I took it as a sign, talked with my husband, and said, to hell with it! No more birth control! At first, I was relieved when my period came each month. I was still kind of avoiding having sex on those ovulation days, didnt know if I was truly ready to be trying, and, so, was able to maintain the illusion of having control over my own fertility for a little while longer.

April 2014: The illusion ended. During a routine ob-gyn appt., I asked about these past 2+ years we had been TTC. After my husbands normal sperm analysis, I underwent an HSG test. (Most uncomfortable thing EVER!!!) My left tube was blocked. But there was still hope that we could conceive naturally on alternating months.

May-July 2014: I called this period of time, and the few months thereafter, my knowledge quest. I went to a fertility specialist (Dr. B) for a consultation. He gave me 3 options: 1. Keep trying with no intervention; 2. TTC with cycle monitoring; 3. Have an exploratory laparoscopy to investigate blocked tube & perhaps remove it. (He suspected a hydrosalpinx in the left tube, too). I chose option 3.

July 31, 2014: Surgery day. When I was coming out of anesthesia, I asked my husband, just tell me one thing Is it bad news? He smiled weakly & nodded. Yep. Its not good. It turns out that I had a burst appendix when I was a young girl. At 13. I remember this occurrence vividly. I was sick for a solid month. Couldnt go to school, couldnt even stand up straight because of the excruciating pain. My white blood cell count was sky high. Doctors pressed on my lower abdomen checking for a swollen appendix about a zillion times during that month. But the problem was that my appendix had already burst. It went undiagnosed for 23 years.

August 2014: My grieving period. I was feeling a bit beat-up following my surgery and left Fallopian tube removal, but the emotional bruises were taking a lot longer to heal. I still feel black-and-blue, really. After seeing the disgusting scar tissue & adhesions resulting from my ruptured appendix over two decades ago, I was crushed. It was a mess in there. My right tube was so covered with adhesions that Dr. B stopped the surgery and didnt even attempt to get at it, as it was too risky and he was afraid I could suffer a bowel perforation or other complications. Too many vital organs over there. All this confirmed to the surgical team that I had, indeed, suffered a burst appendix, since the adhesions were worse on the right side (near where that nasty bugger would have been, had it not exploded). I was super pissed that I THOUGHT I was master of my own fertility and fate, but never really had a choice to make in the first place. I was sterile before I even had the chance to mature into a fertile girl. (I got my first period late, @ 16, well after the appendix episode). I cried a lot, sometimes openly, but mostly at night or when I was alone, trying not to let my husband see how broken this was making me feel. My infertility became all I could think about.

September 2014: Lights (shining on my vagina), Camera (ultrasounds galore), ACTION! After what seemed like a thousand conversations on the topic, my husband and I decided to undergo what I SWORE Id never do in a million years: attempt IVF. Seriously. I was like, no way, no how, am I EVER going to make a baby in a lab. You are NOT jerking off in a doctors office. I am NOT shooting myself full of hormones. We are NOT losing the intimacy that everyone else on the planet seems to be able to enjoy when trying to conceive. Naively, before all the tests shook me into accepting the reality of my situation, I wanted to believe that our LOVE would somehow be powerful enough to allow us to conceive. We had all the right chemistry, a loving relationship, and an active sex life. Well turns out that unviable tubes trumps all that.

That brings us to the present day. We signed all our IVF-related paperwork last week. I'm really nervous about the hormone injections and that I may not feel like myself after taking them. I'm nervous about side effects. I'm nervous about the cost (since we are paying ENTIRELY out-of-pocket for this cycle). I'm nervous that it won't work. I'm nervous that it WILL work, and I won't be able to enjoy my pregnancy the way women who conceive spontaneously & naturally do. That's a lot of nervousness.

I hope my post helps you ladies sort through some of your own feelings and, perhaps, to relate to my story in some way. I wish you all strength during this difficult (and often isolating) journey through IF.