Infertility Support Group
In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.
I am new to this group, and quite frankly, I hesitated joining, because I'm not sure that I am like most people in this group. I am sure that most of you are trying various fertility treatments, or are pursuing adoption. That isn't me.
I am 40 years old. My ex-husband and I tried for 5 years to get pregnant. We started fertility testing, but that got shelved when our marriage started to fall apart (for other reasons other than fertility). I have since been remarried, and no pregnancy. I also have thyroid disease, which doesn't help infertility any. I've never actually pursued really finding out where the infertility issues lie, because, quite frankly, intervention isn't right for me anyway. I've had friends who have intervened at all costs, spent thousands, and ended up with miracles with physical development issues. In my mind, and in my body, mother nature must be saying something, so it doesn't feel right to intervene. I have also looked at adoption, but the cost, the time, the emotional toll...my husband and I concluded that this option isn't right for us either. Sooooo....it either happens naturally, or it doesn't.
The struggle I have is the fact that I am being judged on so many levels....I am not whole because I am not a mother, I am selfish for not doing everything in my power to become a mother, I can't understand this, that, or the other thing because I am not a mother, I am less important in the social structure of life because I am not a mother...I am somehow....nothing. It's a very lonely world to watch friends and family have children, to see their faces and their videos plastered all over facebook, to see their "perfect" lives. I know that there are things I could do to have a family, but over the years, I've played all the heartbreak cards I've got, and I've got nothing left.
Who out there is like me? So many of you will be trying IVF, or donors, or surrogates, or adoption. That's great and everything, but I know that reading those stories is not what I need (no offense). Who out there has run out of heartbreak cards? Who is needing to get on the path to acceptance, and mourning the children that will never be? I need a support group, and people who understand what it's like to try to move on...not a support group for fertility treatments or adoption. I am in a different place than many of you.....but I hope that there are a few out there like me...
I am 40 years old. My ex-husband and I tried for 5 years to get pregnant. We started fertility testing, but that got shelved when our marriage started to fall apart (for other reasons other than fertility). I have since been remarried, and no pregnancy. I also have thyroid disease, which doesn't help infertility any. I've never actually pursued really finding out where the infertility issues lie, because, quite frankly, intervention isn't right for me anyway. I've had friends who have intervened at all costs, spent thousands, and ended up with miracles with physical development issues. In my mind, and in my body, mother nature must be saying something, so it doesn't feel right to intervene. I have also looked at adoption, but the cost, the time, the emotional toll...my husband and I concluded that this option isn't right for us either. Sooooo....it either happens naturally, or it doesn't.
The struggle I have is the fact that I am being judged on so many levels....I am not whole because I am not a mother, I am selfish for not doing everything in my power to become a mother, I can't understand this, that, or the other thing because I am not a mother, I am less important in the social structure of life because I am not a mother...I am somehow....nothing. It's a very lonely world to watch friends and family have children, to see their faces and their videos plastered all over facebook, to see their "perfect" lives. I know that there are things I could do to have a family, but over the years, I've played all the heartbreak cards I've got, and I've got nothing left.
Who out there is like me? So many of you will be trying IVF, or donors, or surrogates, or adoption. That's great and everything, but I know that reading those stories is not what I need (no offense). Who out there has run out of heartbreak cards? Who is needing to get on the path to acceptance, and mourning the children that will never be? I need a support group, and people who understand what it's like to try to move on...not a support group for fertility treatments or adoption. I am in a different place than many of you.....but I hope that there are a few out there like me...
I have not chosen the path that you have but as a woman that has dealt with infertility, albeit a different way, my heart certainly still goes out to you...
When it comes to something as powerful as infertility, striving towards the goal of No Regrets was my compass. It doesn't make things easier but it is a step towards acceptance, however it may be. It's far easier to say to others to ignore the judgements of our peers- I get it- but it seems as though you are coming to terms with your choices, throw those thoughts of insecurity or worrying about others judging away. Your journey is yours- it isn't easy- but give the world your gifts and be who you are. Keep in mind these people you see with "perfect" lives have their own lives behind closed doors. Things are certainly not always what they seem. You worry about you- don't waste your time assessing your own success to someone else's supposed achievements.
You are whole. Children don't make a woman whole. We are all growing as people- constantly evolving- you are and others as well.
Hugs to you in these hard times but you will come out of it stronger and with the right support and personal attitude, you have so much to offer! Take hold of your awesome qualities and open yourself to life's adventures!
I must say, most people in this support group haven't come to the terms of "acceptance". But for any reason named above, it is a personal decision, that you should not have to be judge by.
Although, I am still claiming a baby with my name on it, because I believe God will give me the gift at his will, yes through modern day medicine. I confirmed this when I went to prompt some questions to my RE, realizing all her answers where, statistics, maybe's, possibilities, and guesstimates etc. I was better off trusting in God, because He has the final say so, in my life.
With, that being said, based upon the path you have chosen, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SELFISH, cause you can! Sound cruel, but infertility is a blessing and a suffering at the same time. I say this because, you can do almost anything without worrying about how much it will affect a child/dependent. (of course, I don't mean self-destruction) But things such as traveling. I love to travel and truthfully enjoy the occasion of adventuring the world with me and my hubby. We share some of our most intimate great times together while traveling abroad. Next, you don't have to force yourself being associated with motherhood. AVOID "perfect little families", I do for now, because I don't fit in. That doesn't make me alien, it just makes my life a different story. Get together and make friends with a group of older women, who have an empty nest. They are less likely to shove baby stories down you throat because the children are grown and most times, older adults are ready to rewind time and enjoy reaping the benefits of treating themselves again. You'd be surprise, a lot of people I know say to me, I wish I had your life, because, I have the chances to focus on just me. I can go back to school, hassle free. I can purchase all the materialistic things I want, without dipping into the "college funds". Trust me there is a lifestyle out there for women without kids. But of course most of us here, want the chance to be on the other side...motherhood. Having kids or not is a choice. Remember there are fertile woman who even opt out of motherhood.
Last, remember you have a special gift. I don't think its a coincidence God knew some of us would have to struggle with infertility. So, trust that He loves you and made you for something else very special. Use it to your advantage.
P.S. Also, accept the fact, that PEOPLE can be very ignorant, nave and judgmental. Nonetheless, obnoxiously when they don't understand that everyone isn't like them. No matter what the case is. Let it roll off just like water on a ducks back.
HannaSarah...thank you for your thoughts as well. I am leaving it up to God as well, I've just chosen not to intervene with medical support or adoption. There are a multitude of reasons, more than what I put in my original post, that brought me to that decision, and I am ok with that. To Courage2010's point, I don't have any regrets with that decision because I know it's right for me.
I think what it comes down to is that I am comfortable with the decisions I've made, and I think I am comfortable with the alternate life that will become mine....I just have a deep sadness that my husband and I won't ever hold a baby that is ours, that I will never be able to give our families the grandchild, niece/nephew that would make them so happy. I also have a deep sadness that we/I will always be different than our siblings who did have kids. And I don't know how to come to terms with being different than MOST of our friends as well.
I agree with both of you that I have to stop worrying about what others think, and what expectations appear to be. I've got a bit of a character flaw that listens too much to the thoughts of others and what society expects you to be! :) It's something that I continually have to work on.
My husband and I have already talked often about our new dreams, traveling, perhaps owning foreign property, things like that. We have an intense passion for wandering and traveling. We know that's our new dream. I just have to be able to let go of the old dream, let go of the judgments, and be comfortable in my own skin.
I admire those of you who have the strength, courage and heart to go on the paths of fertility treatments, adoption, and any other options you've chosen. Each choice we make is the right choice for those of us making that decision. One decision may be right for you, and may not fit for another person. I hope that God, Mother Nature, or the Universe brings to you what you dream of.
I am comfortable with the decisions I've made to not pursue fertility treatments, or adoption. I am also comfortable with the life that my husband and I have planned for ourselves in the event that children are not a part of our lives. Those things I am ok with.
What I'm struggling with is the perception of my choices, and how not having a child makes me look to others. I've had a few judgments for being childless, and I've projected that opinion within, and think that everyone thinks that about me (maybe I even think that about me, too). I worry so much about what people think, and don't realize that their judgments are more of a reflection of them, than they are of me.
I asked my counselor if there really is the perception in society that childless women are selfish, not whole, somehow less than those who are mothers. She said that it's an interesting question. She then asked me "even if there was that perception, does that make it true? No". I couldn't argue with that. So one thing that I have to work on is being more mindful of myself, and how I react to one's judgments, and essentially, not accept their judgments. I also need to participate rather than freeze from their words, and tell that person that it's not ok.
I think I understand that stuff. And it's certainly stuff I can work on. My next question when I see her in a month is....how do I grieve...?
It's the mourning part that I don't know how to do yet...perhaps that will be the next session in November.
I have read that there is a mourning process, but after that begins to come to an end there is a level of excitement that comes with the realization of "starting over". You can re-evaluate your life and plan on doing things that you and your husband want to do, as you mentioned, like traveling and maybe even relocating. My husband and I decided that we will not stay in the town we live in. There really is nothing to do here and I would love to live somewhere in walking distance to shops, restaurants, bars, bike paths. Although the thought of not having children is devastating to me, I know it is not the end of the world, but in fact just a new beginning to a life I haven't fully dreamt up yet. I'm glad to hear your counseling is helping. It is something I think about doing.