My husband a I started trying in April of 2014. I hoped that it would happen quickly for us but that was not the case. I am 32, he is 42. Three of my younger (20's and below) coworkers became pregnant within months of one another as well as several friends and acquaintances in their 30's and even some in their 40's. It was like #oops I'm pregnant." Meanwhile I am charting my basal body temperatures, buying ovulation tests and on an emotional rollercoaster with each negative test. I kept getting unwelcome and unhelpful advice from friends. "Just relax", "enjoy the process", and "it'll happen when you stop trying." I relaxed as much as possible, I have a healthy and satisfying sex life #thankssomuch. Most women who actually planned their pregnancy (no offense if you didn't) know that there is a short fertile window of time each month (5-6 days max. We tried baby dancing on every one of those days, two to three of them, every other day, insemination, standing on my head, cutting down on caffeine, exercise/ no exercise, changing my diet, fertility enhancing supplements ect. After a year we went in and got started with infertility testing. The tests came back with nothing wrong. Then right before I was about to go in to have my tubes checked we got a positive test at the end of April. I was so excited. We meant to only tell close family but we were so thrilled we told many of our friends. I started spotting early on. One day and then not for a few. Pretty soon I was spotting every day. I went in to the doctor and called almost every day they said it could be normal at first. Then my hcg levels dropped at 5 weeks my husband and friends said not to worry, everything would be ok. I almost passed out coming out of the doctors office, they admitted me to the ER. They did an ultrasound and said that I had a blighted ovum and that the baby never fully developed and that I would pass it soon naturally. I was sent home, took time off work, and was on pain meds for cramping. I waited a week and the bleeding was still more like spotting but lasted all day. They wanted to do a follow up after a week so I went in again. This time they found a small fetus with a healthy heartbeat and my hcg levels had gone back up. They had to do more vaginal ultrasounds in the midst of my spotting to confirm it. I had thought I was going in for them to talk about a d and c and instead I found out I was still pregnant. I was cautiously optimistic and thought I had been given a miracle. We had to once again let everyone know that we were pregnant and the baby was ok. As I was showing a close friend the ultrasound photo. I felt the bleeding increase (sorry if its tmi, but this was my experience) I went home and laid down for the rest of the day. Later on that afternoon I had some uncomfortable cramping that lasted about an hour and I began to pass clots. My husband and friends tried to reassure me that everything would be ok, that I had just had an ultrasound that day and that I was overreacting. I have a healthy 11 year old daughter and my first pregnancy was normal some spotting early on that lasted a day. I KNEW this was NOT NORMAL) That same day I passed some tissue and freaked out. This was the first day of the miscarriage, I realize now but I had to wait over a week to find out our baby was dead. The doctor did another ultrasound and I saw nothing on the screen. An empty uterus. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and began bawling. My husband was at work and my dad had to come get me with my daughter (we hadn't told her yet about the pregnancy so it was just "mommy isn't feeling well") I pulled myself together while she was around. I had to pull myself together the very next day, even though I had been given time off I had to go back to work. There was no one else to cover me. I cried to and from work and made sure I was ok during. I cried myself to sleep. I tried to talk to a few friends about it but ended up shutting everyone out when they gave the token advice of waiting longer than what the doctor had said (one cycle) to try again because "Honey your not healthy enough yet", said that I caused the miscarriage with all my stress and negativity during the pregnancy, told me there own stories of how they had several miscarriages like its no big deal and got over it and have healthy children now, everything happens for a reason, you weren't meant to have a baby now BULLSHIT. I have lost friends over this already because I told them I didn't want to talk about it anymore and was feeling worse each time I did. I came home from the store crying when I picked up an ovulation test because the mom in front of me in line had a new baby and two other children. I was so jealous I couldn't see straight. My husband loves children and his friend tagged him on facebook holding their baby and I lost it in tears. Then the next day he was carrying around another friends baby and I lost it again when I saw the comments of whose baby is that, and asking if it was ours from people who knew about what happened. Obviously not, since our baby died!!!!!! I all but screamed not on Facebook. I have had to unfollow anyone on Facebook with a new baby or who is pregnant. Kudos to those of you who can still be happy for those who are. I no longer can and feel like stepping into traffic (not literally but that's about the pain level) everytime I hear a new announcement. I feel like I am being punished by the miscarriage now too because my husband has talked about taking a break from trying which for us means No Sex. And he really does not want to talk or hear about it. OK sit in the "time out chair" while each year of my 30s my fertility goes down and other people mass produce offspring like some kind of factory. Just because they have healthy babies they win the happy new addition prize and I get to try and handle my grief and heal and build a bridge and get over it. I am seeing an infertility and miscarriage counselor and going to outside support groups also. For now we are still trying to get pregnant with at home insemination and regular sex also every other day during my fertile time, and charting ect. Before the miscarriage my husband said we could look into IVF or other options " it was whatever it takes, Love" but now since the miscarriage he say says we can't afford it. I am now realizing though also that it doesn't seem to matter how healthy I am. My husband is overweight, drinks waaaay to much coffee and has a slight motility issue. The doctors said that the motility issue should be ok but his massive coffee consumption could affect it. The one month he was willing to cut down on caffeine, we got pregnant. Now he is not willing to and we haven't had luck before or since then. Coincidence. I think not. This has been causing me to resent him and is causing problems in our marriage. My individual infertility and miscarriage counselor recommended couples counseling. He says he is willing to do that when he can find the time. For his part though he does work hard as a restaurant district manager running 5 stores.