March 11 marked 10 years since I stopped using my birth control and marked 10 years of infertility. A whole decade of heartbreak and disappointment. Ten long years of monthly disappointment when my period came, sometimes a week or more late, as if to tease me.
In 2009, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. In 2011, I had had enough of the irregular periods and read up on medical research and studies involving women with PCOS. I got pregnant with my son in 2002, and gave birth in March 2003. One study stuck out in particular, and it made sense as to why I was able to get pregnant back then. I was living in Florida and had no shortage of vitamin D. But now I'm living up north and my vitamin D levels were very low. For the past few years, I've been able to keep my periods regular and have used OPKs to find out if I'm ovulating. Multivitamins and an extra vitamin D capsule daily have kept my cycles at a predictable 27-29 days. Success! Well, sort of...
I've overcome the obstacle of ovulation and PCOS symptoms. But still no pregnancy.
Last week at work, I met the medical director of a fertility clinic. I'm a vet tech and was working with his new puppy. He gave me one of his cards and his wife said that consultations are free. Excited and renewed with hope, I hurried home after work, his business card in my pocket. I felt like I had just been handed a winning lottery ticket! When I got home, I told my husband about the man I had just met and handed my husband his business card. My husband did not look pleased! Figuring he had just had a rough day, I thought nothing of his silence. That evening we had to make an hour long drive to his sister's house. His sister has a 1 year old son whom we just adore. As we were driving along, I mentioned the doctor again. And after 10 years of infertility, my husband finally says the words I never expected or wanted to hear. "I DON'T WANT ANY MORE DAMN KIDS!" My heart sank and I began to cry while I was driving. After all this time, he had never said that to me. After all these years of watching me with tears in my eyes as friends and family announced pregnancy after pregnancy. A whole decade of seeing my face when I got an invitation to a baby shower. All this time and he's never bothered to tell me. It was always excuse after excuse. You need to find a decent job first (I was a stay-at-home-mom for a long time). We need to own a home. There was always a reason. And now that I've finally eliminated every "reason" he had given me, he just NOW tells me the truth?? I feel like I've wasted 10 years of my life with a man who doesn't want the same things that I want. Seriously??
If I stay with him, I'll spend the rest of my life with regret. I'll always be bitter and angry toward him because he wouldn't allow me to have the one thing that I feel is missing from my life. There's a hole in my heart that longs for more children. I've always had my heart set on 3 children. It's something that is so important to me. I've cried so many tears over this and I have never given up hope that I would have more children.
I just don't know what to do. I could leave and start over with my life, but I love him. I feel so torn between my marriage and what my heart truly wants.
What would you do if you were in my situation? I can't bring up the subject of having more kids without my husband getting mad at me. Would you stay and just give up hope? Or would you leave and move on?