Infertility Support Group

In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.

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Feeling Angry

Plygirl
Plygirl
Hi Everyone,
I am new to DS but not infertility. My husband and I have been trying for almost five years. We have done six failed IUIs and five failed IVFs. After careful consideration we decided that our next step was going to be to use a donor egg. We decided to take the summer off and relax before proceeding. Over the past five years or so I have had my times of sadness and disbelief about our situation but overall have dealt with it pretty well. Ive been happy for all my friends that got pregnant (right away) and even threw a couple of baby showers. I really felt that I had come to terms with not having a child with my own DNA and using someone elses egg but ever since starting the long, complicated process of getting an egg donor I have become so angry. I feel like I am angry all the time and at everyone. I hate feeling this way but I cant help it. I hate that we have to jump through hoops and pay huge amounts of money and still only have a small chance of having a baby. I hate that I see unfit people having unwanted children every day (I work with an addiction team at a large city hospital). I get angry with my very supportive friends for talking about their kids constantly. I get angry with my mom when she doesnt say the right thing. My husband is the only person that doesnt annoying me. He has been incredibly these last couple of months. I joined this group about a week ago and have been reading the posts of incredible women going through the same thing as me and was hoping someone had some words of wisdom. Especially before I have to deal with everyones questions and comments at Thanksgiving tomorrow!!!
moonbeams
moonbeams
I know first hand what you're talking about with the anger, jealousy, frustration, etc. I have found that alternative things have helped calm my mind - massage, acupuncture, reiki, etc. If you are open to trying any of those things, that is what I recommend. It's helped a lot with the mental aspect of it all for me. Best of luck!
BecMarie
BecMarie
It's amazing that I wrote this (pretty much) exact journal about a week ago. In fact, people are still responding to it! And now here I am in a better, more positive spot than I was due to the support from the wonderful woman and a few men on this site. Bottom line is, I can 100% relate. If you're in need of support you have come to the right place. You are not alone in feeling angry and annoyed with people who are so oblivious to how lucky they are to have children. Lately, I have noticed that I want to blow off conversations that have to do with people's children. Then I remind myself that when I become a mom, I will want to talk about my kids all day too. We WILL become mothers some day. This journey is long and hard, but focusing on what is positive in your life and doing things that make you feel good will help you along your way. I do yoga, read and have tried acupuncture a few times which is helpful. If you can find an outlet to dump all your anger into and come up smiling, you will feel a huge weight lift. This site is a wonderful place to start. I'm sorry your struggling. We can be angry towards fertile bitches together! Hope you made it through Thanksgiving in one piece. Good luck with your journey!
Plygirl
Plygirl
Thank you both so much for your replies! I did acupuncture after a couple of my transfers and it was very relaxing. The problem is I don't want to spend the money. We are trying so hard to save money to pay for the egg donor that it would just add more stress. I may try to do some yoga at home though.
I have been such a bad friend lately. I haven't talk to my closest friends in about two weeks and I normally talk to them everyday. No matter how supportive they are they just can't understand what I am going though. It never felt hopeless before because I always knew there was a next step but if this doesn't work we are out of options. We simply could not afford to do anything else.
While I don't wish this on anyone I am thankful that this site exists and there are wonderful people to give support.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes it is hard dealing with infertility. We had had two miscarriages and may ivf cycles. Costly and exhausting to say the least. Hang in there I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that i may never be a mom. That's hard to wrap my head around. Going to give it one more shot after the holidays. Crossed fingers. I also get frustrated that those who have far less than us can just pop a kid out with no problem that they didn't even want or plan for. We have so much love to give and my arms feel so empty.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Plygirl,

I understand where you are coming from, for the past 9 years of my life this feeling you feel I have felt and still am dealing with, I look at all the ladies that are undeserving and wonder why why not me why is it so easy for them but yet so hard and out of reach for me. I have been so supporting to all the women around me that have gone through or is still going through pregnancy. This feeling will not go away I have tried a lot of different tactics to try but nothing seems to work yeah I may be fine and seem happy at times but inside its like my heart is dying. Right now I am at the point I don't want to be around a pregnant person don't want to go to showers don't want to throw showers I don't even want to walk by the baby row at the store. Every day I wake up I wish I was pregnant I wish that dream of mine of having my own family my own child will come true one day and I hope yours does as well.
mjwall
mjwall
Thank you for writing this journal! I can relate to this 100%. I just found out in September after our first failed IVF cycle that I have a very low low chance of ever becoming pregnant with my own eggs. As much as I'd like to think I handled it fairly well and I, like you, have started to wrap my brain around using a donor egg but just recently am I becoming so emotional, jealous and angry. I am starting counseling next week because I'm getting to that point where I am going to have a meltdown one of these days. Actually, to be honest, I had a complete meltdown on Thanksgiving. I was so embarrassed the next day and that's when I realized I have not dealt with my IF issues as well as I thought I did and apparently need to talk to someone. So as you can see, you are not alone on this journey, we can all relate in some part or another, you came to the right place!
Mendolove
Mendolove
Welcome to the group .. so sorry you are having such a difficult time and the holidays seem to magnify the heartache of infertility, so I hope you made it through Thanksgiving. Plus don't feel bad about the way you feel about pregnant ladies, trust me we have all been there and it is totally normal! The decision to use an DE is a big one but hopefully you will start to make peace with your decision and once you mourn the idea of what you are "giving up" (DNA) hopefully all that you will gain (increased odds of success, the chance to carry your husbands child) will start to replace all those yucky feeling! Plus it will still be your biological child, the donor only gives you one cell, you do the rest of the hard work!! XO
LMWT
LMWT
I can completely relate. But trust me, once you are pregnant you wont care what extra step you had to take to get there. I am pregnant with twin boys due any day now that started as a single cell from another woman. No matter how unselfish and amazing she is, that's all she is. These boys are 100% mine and I rarely think of her when it comes to these little guys, although I will always be eternally thankful.

And that fear of it not working because its your last chance, I totally get too. But remember, you are taking out a big part of the equation of why your past treatments have not worked and replacing them with eggs that can work on the first try. If it is something that really worries you. Make sure you go with a donor who is proven, either as a previous donor or with children of her own. That way you know her eggs are good and not all duds.

I am here for you if you have any questions.
sltoddy
sltoddy
I too can completely relate! I am also days away from giving birth via donor egg. Carrying this baby, I forget that she came from the eggs of someone else. I am giving her life and I feel her moving inside of me and she is a part of my dear husband. I agree with LMWT and too and sooo thankful for my donor but she is all mine and my husbands.
And as hard as it is to see others get pregnant at the drop of a hat, I remember the anger and sadness I felt. It's beneficial to you that you let it go. I truly believe staying positive and letting all the negatively go will only help for a successful pregnancy.
I also agree with LMWT about using a proven donor. It worked for me on my first try! There of course are garuntees but just believe you will be a mom and it's just a matter of time:)
Also feel free to reach out with any questions or just want to chat.
Best of luck! Xo
Halterbroke
Halterbroke
I can so relate. When I became pregnant (totally unexpectedly, on our own with no injections or anything on a month I only had one egg and all the rest cysts) I suddenly got over my anger and frustration. Then I had a miscarriage and I am back there again. It sucks being back there and every milestone I would have been hitting is like a fresh kick in the gut.

Using a DE doesn't make your baby any less your child. I am adopted, born to a completely different mother and father than those who raised me, and even though I know the biologicals, I will always be my parents' baby.
susan21988
susan21988
Hi Plygirl..I want to say that I am glad you shared you story and how hard it must be going through your journey. I was deeply touched by your post....I have just crossed the 1 year mark (in October) of not being able to conceive and am now struggling with infertility. This is the first time I have told anyone besides my (husband and doctors) and it is both a relief and slightly embarrassing. I have to say that I have been struggling with anger as well and as the months go on, feel that the anger is growing. More and more I see babies and families and adorable pregnant women all able to achieve what I cannot...I am trying to remain optimistic (I've had blood work done, hormones checked) and everything is fine.... but somehow this only angers me more. I don't know what's worse, not knowing what's wrong or finding it out...I had a troubling childhood and feel that I have finally found my place in the world. I have a great husband and am pursuing my doctorate and I should be on the top of the world, but I'm not. And I feel horribly guilty about that....Tomorrow is my husband and mine wedding anniversary (3 years) and being quite young, all we hear are people asking "So when are you going to have kids?" And I have to say that I feel udder sadness and anger toward anyone who dare speak those words to me. I realize no one knows our struggles, but I am glad you shared yours with me and am happy to share mine with you...Thanks for making me feel a little less alone today and I wish you only the very best.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I just found out yesterday that I FAILED IVF again.. I just hate the world.
arianna13
arianna13
I want to tell you that I found out 6 months ago that the only way I would get pregnant is through IVF. We are starting the process next month. I am already angry at everyone and Jealous and scared. What gets me though is saying you know what, your allowed to feel all these things. You, me all of us have been dealt a really messed up hand and we cant change that. What we can do is keep hope, even when you want to crawl up under the covers and stay there. Keep hope and think good things, I cant believe I'm saying this because for the past 3 days I have felt exactly like you. I also hate everyone and am living in my own little bubble. I just joined this site and hearing that other people feel this way brings a sense of calm over me to know that these feelings we are feeling, believe it or not are normal.
JenMyF
JenMyF
Plygirl I think many of us share your frustration and anger. It is so hurtful/demoralizing/annoying to watch as teenagers and unfit mothers become pregnant. I often feel my infertility is a punishment for some bad decision made years ago. I work with several women who were teen moms, some unfit and one who doesn't even like children including her own. What have I done so wrong in this life to deserve this? It is heartbreaking. I am also angry but more than anything is the shame associated with infertility. Because so many can conceive without difficulty, I often find myself stifling my true feelings and hiding the hurt I feel to avoid making anyone uncomfortable though I know there are others just like me. I am so thankful to have found this site and hope knowing I am not alone can ease my pain and calm my anger. Remember you are not alone in this fight.