Honestly, It's been 5 years for me and this past year is really when I have accepted it. I used to think "i just have a little trouble getting pregnant, I'm not infertile". Now that I have had 4 failed IUI's and a lap that diagnosed endometriosis I have to admit that I am truly struggling with infertility. This is a battle and I plan to kick it's ass. Everyone comes to terms with and decides how much they are willing to go through with/spend in their own time. Sometimes I wish I would have had the lap years ago, thinking I would not have wasted so many years on clomid, timed intercourse, OPK's, and IUI's had I known that severe endometriosis was preventing me from getting pregnant and IVF is my best option. BUT, I don't think I was willing to fork over so much money until I was sure I had to. Some ladies on here decide that TTC is too much on their marriage emotionally/financially and they decide to pursue adoption or some even decide to live child free. We are all in this together but everyone's journey is different. Thinking of you and praying you get some peace and direction. XOXO

I'm sorry, I know this totally sucks. I'm at the same place, except we've done two IVF's. Literally all it has to do is attach, but noooo!!! I too used to think that going to the doctors messed up my natural cycle and I should have just let nature take its course (know you, just got drunk and had sex! jk), but then when I think of my stress level, all the procedures, etc., I can't deny that getting pregnant has been no easy task for me. With every negative, I sob and think "is this ever meant to be, or will this consume my life and I'll only know negatives?" My husband talks me off my dramatic ledge quite often. But, really we don't have an answer for that yet.

Two years is long time to try. At this point I've been ttc for 7% of my life, and 57% of my marriage (math teacher). I've never tried so hard and long at something, and been unsuccessful, which is a hard pill to swallow. I know I can't do this for years, and frankly I worry what all these chemicals are doing to my body. But right now I'm 32, I'm healthy, I have no major fertility issues- it should happen. As long as our finances can support it, I have to keep trying. If I were to stop now, I think I'd regret it, or secretly always hope that it would happen. I was miserable a month ago, not hopeful for my last IVF, but this current IVF I have been much more optimistic. It's all a giant roller coaster and I guess even though I'm nauseous and I hate the ride, I'm not ready to get off!

I can sure as hell tell you I'll never spend money on birth control again!

Really thoughtful post. I think about this all the time. I've been ttc for almost 2.5 years. We did four IUI's (with Clomid) and I got pregnant from the 3rd but miscarried early - that was last November. It was then that my infertility really hit me. I am frightened that I will never get a BFP again. Currently, we are in our first IVF cycle. (I had a day 5 transfer of 2 embryos 3 days ago.) We have 4 frozen embryos too, and while I'm trying to think that one of those 6 has got to take I'm really scared that nothing will. I just don't want to get my hopes up anymore.

I also get jealous of friends and relatives who can reproduce easily. Seriously, except for me, none of my close relatives has had trouble in this area. So, I can't say I'm in the very best place right now - I'm just scared to be disappointed again.

In a very, very random side note - I just picked up a copy of Tina Fey's book "Bossy Pants" yesterday. It is hilarious, makes me laugh out loud on every page. So if anyone needs a really funny read to momentarily take their mind off things, I highly recommend it.

We have been trying for 18 months, one failed IUI and I still can't tell myself I'm infertile, I just do like you say and tell myself that I just need a little extra push. Literally, ALL of my friends and female cousins have kids except for me, I finally got off of Facebook when my 46 year old cousin announced she's pregnant with ther 5th baby, I just about died.

So I think I'm in denial too for now...

I can tell you that My husband and I have tried for the 13 years that we have been married, we have tried all kinds of different things and nothing has worked. I did have a miscarriage back in 2006, and I think that is the reason I still can't let it go, knowing that its possible. Just when I start to feel like I'm getting better and I can look at all pregnant women and be happy for them, BAM!!! it hits mie again. I hope that you have the strength to do what you can handle, and always remember that everyone is different. YOu would think that after 13 years I would be better but here I am. My prayers go out to you and Im sorry for everything you are going and have gone thru!

When I got the call from my OB that my AMH was too low for her to be able to help me and that I needed to see a specialist, I bawled right there on the phone. This isn't supposed to happen to someone my age. However, my OB had said she'd heard of people w/ lower getting preggo, and that I shouldn't panic yet. After aggressively doing treatments, it always starts out "I just need a little help. This is going to work, and it won't be a big deal anymore." After 5 failed IUIs, a lap to show endo, and absolutely no hope left I almost lost it. This is never going to happen for me. DH thinks the same too. He's pretty much already accepted and moved on, but feels like i'm not capable. I'm gearing up to do a minimal stim IVF, and I feel like my hope is starting to restore because of a new procedure. I'm once again being the little girl sayind "maybe this is all I needed all along." However, if it doesn't work, I will again be broken, but with no more reachable options.

I am in the beginning, but feeling like I am in the end. I didn't know early failed attempts would take away my hope so fast. Now I am just barely grasping and holding on...

intheadks: We all totally get it. After trying so hard the first few months, the first few negatives really hit me hard. My husband was always like "Babe, it was just 1 (2, 3, 4, 5...) times! It can't work so quick!" Then after seeing a specialist and still nothing, oh geez I was a mess. I think it was because I would get so full of hope, seeing the eggs, taking the drugs, I had such faith in science (it has to work!), then it would crash down.

Anyway, it doesn't get easier, but it changes. Don't give up, try to calm your inner voice-- because it does take some people longer, but it is worth it.

I saw a tattoo on a guy the day of my transfer that said, "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. " For me, it was fitting for my challenges. I will be a better parent now then when I first started. I appreciate who I am as a person more so then I did 2 years ago, so maybe this was part of the process I needed to take.... That being said I'm ready for my beta next week to finally be positive!

My husband and I are on 13 yrs of trying we can't afford IVF so were trying many many iuis. I wish u luck Hun hang in we all get our turn one day.

thanks all. i joined at suggestion of my mom. this is pretty intense. i think i am going to take a few months off to recoup my mind. i don't want to, but i struggle intensely with anxiety, so i am going to get on some medication there too. i got off when we began trying, but i need to get back to a baseline - to be able to breath - before we start trying again. And since I struggle with a short luteal phase, I want to see if I can get that consistent with some lifestyle changes as well. I will talk to my doc again, but def. nees some time to breath.

I'm coming up on 5 years TTC, but I went into this knowing that I would have some trouble getting pregnant. It's only been in the last 3 months or so that I've finally been able to say "I'm infertile and my only chance at getting pregnant is with an RE's help." and be ok with it. It still hurts, it still makes me bawl my eyes out wishing for that 'miracle' to happen. Each person is different, each of us look at IF a different way and each of us needs a different plan each cycle, but we're all in this together. Through this group I realized that I needed the outside support and I needed therapy, I found both and I'm doing better mentally now than I was before. I hope you find what works for you to keep the depression, etc. at bay!

Thank you you all for sharing. Although I hate to think that others are struggling with this journey as well, in a bitter sweet way its good to know that I am not alone and there are people who understand the ups, the downs, the anger, the depression, the hope, etc.
Each of you has such a unique story, my heart hurts because you are all so deserving but I am hopeful that each of you will get your miracle, maybe not this month or next but I hope and pray you will each be blessed. If you reached a point where the hope has dwindled and you can't it , let the rest of us carry your hope for you until you have the strength again:)
((HUGS)) to you all!

after several failed clomid cycles, a failed IUI and one round of IVF me and my husband are out of options for more treatment. We have instead decided if its meant to be it will happen naturally from the Lord. We are relying on the Lord in faith and we shall see what comes about. it is a hard exhausting financial burden road and frankly I'm done with it. It's not the end of the world. They're are brighter and better days ahead. Even though it doesn't feel like it .

I hear you! We haven't been trying that long compared to many other women, but with each failed IUI I think to myself, "How much longer can I do this for?" I'm trying to distract myself with other things like working out, taking a class, seeing friends, etc. It's been sort of helpful, but I can never get the anxiety and constant thinking about all of this out of my head. I haven't yet decided how long I'm going to be able to do this before more seriously considering adoption. I WILL be a parent whether the baby-making universe is willing to work with me or not. You will be too.

We got married in 2003 and started TTC in 2005. We tried for 5 years before going to the doc. As far as accepting our IF reality, we didn't have much for a choice. At 40 (me) and 42 (him) we find out he has swimmers, they just don't have a physical way out and IVF is our ONLY option to ever have kids. It was a bucket of cold water. I cried for days the fact that our children would never be the result of making love (I know it may sound trivial to some, but for some reason it was a big deal to me). That some embryologist somewhere would "create" our kids, and what a non intimate way to have kids. It did a number on our sex life for a while too. With time against us, and still numb we moved ahead with IVF and were blessed with our DD. I found this group right after the diagnosis and its been a life saver. I think I would've definitely gone nuts had it not been for the ladies here and all the stories and seeing that we are strong, we can do this and we can survive. All I can say is embrace your feelings, don't deny them. Acceptance will help you cope and deal better with IF than denial - I can't explain why but it does (I'm the denial queen). I wish you lots of luck and baby dust. May your miracle come soon!