So we’ve been trying for 16 months and in February did our first clomid and IUI cycle. 

I had the IUI exactly 2 weeks ago. We were also active prior to the IUI and after. I was very hopeful! I know that this process only increases the chances by a little but I just thought it was going to work.

My optimism made me believe that if my ultrasound looked good and my surge was there, then bam, Baby! I thought after 16 months of TTC we just needed a little help. I mean since all of my test results seem normal and my husbands numbers are off the charts. What is it then? Why isn’t it happening? I pushed  my doubts aside and I hoped and prayed that we’d conceive. 

They told me to test 2 weeks after. This mornings test was negative. The disappointment of this negative has hit me hard today. After a small pity party and a cinnamon roll or six, I picked myself up and carried on.

As I said, I’m an optimist but man this process has made me question that. Not to mention that raging maniac that I am on clomid. Sheesh if pregnancy hormones are better than that I’ll have smooth sailing, if I ever actually do get pregnant. 

I think the TTC process in general can be very emotionally and physically draining to start. Then escalate that by adding in clomid. The hot flashes, mood swings, irriatbility, and just the funk it does to your body adds to everything else. 

The optimist in me is starting to fade and I’ve found it hard to talk about this with my friends. I feel a little alone with everything right now. I have withdrawn from a lot of friendships and feel that I’m harsher on the people that I care about. Maybe it’s my internal suffering that makes me act like that? Also doesn’t it seem like a million people are pregnant right now? I guess that’s like when you want a new car, you see that same car every where you drive.

At this point it seems that this first IUI has failed. Or maybe not failed, maybe there’s a reason that it didn’t take. Or maybe I am pregnant and my test sucks, but I’m getting discouraged. 

Fortunatley or unfortunately enough my insurance covers up to $15k in infertility treatments, they also dictate that you must do 6 cycles of clomid/IUI before they’ll approve more aggressive options. I’m grateful for the coverage, I really am, but thinking of 6 months of failed IUIs seems awful.

One has been rough enough. How will I manage another 5 cycles of the hormones and bouncing around for blood work and inseminations? 

I’m writing this mainly to vent and get it off my chest. I find that talking to people that haven’t experienced any type of hardship TTC doesn’t help me. I internalize a lot of it and that’s why I’m posting here. I want to get it out of my head. I hope that others can relate, laugh, and find any benefit in this post.