Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Why I Think Being Sexually Abused is Not Our Fault
There are three reasons why sexual abuse is not our fault.
First Reason: The abuser is a predator/hunter. They use every trick to lure us in. (Feel free to add to this.)
The most common tricks are:
Threats: They threaten us or some one or thing that we care about.
Gifts: They give us things and shame us into submission.
Needs: They use the fact that we need them for our survival.
Blame/Shame: Telling us that we were asking for it and that we wanted it. They gave us something and we have to return the favor.
These are a some of the tactics they use to Manipulate us into being sexually abused.
Second Reason: The adult or older person/s job is to guide us throw our sexual awareness/unawareness at each stage, not pray upon it.
What I mean by this is... (I have a personal exampled ) My son at the age of 3 or 4 years old tried to give me a passionate kiss on my lips. I gently pushed him back and told him that that was the way grown-up kiss, like on T.V. or his step dad and I. Then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him that's how he's suppose to kiss his mom and dad.
It was my job to teach him that. At that time he was just copying what he has seen. He was not shamed or told he was bad or wrong, but told that it was for big people. then shown the way kids are to do it, by giving the kiss on the cheek. I gave him a hug too.then sent off to play with his toys.
My son was only doing what kids do best; He was copying what he seen. The same way he copied his A,B,C's from the child's show. He copied the kiss from a soap opera or movie.
Third Reason: The third reason is nature.
Orgasms are a normal physical reaction to to the stimulation. It does not mean that we liked it. It means that our body is working normally. The same for if it felt good. It is natures way of keeping the population going. Since this is a vital function of our species survival, it does not care about what cause the reaction, it just thinks it's time to reproduce. To have an orgasm is not a choice if stimulation has been applied to a healthy body, yours, mine or anyones.
I used plurals so that you know you are not alone. I hope this will help you and you and all the others.
P.S. I am an incest surviver.
There are three reasons why sexual abuse is not our fault.
First Reason: The abuser is a predator/hunter. They use every trick to lure us in. (Feel free to add to this.)
The most common tricks are:
Threats: They threaten us or some one or thing that we care about.
Gifts: They give us things and shame us into submission.
Needs: They use the fact that we need them for our survival.
Blame/Shame: Telling us that we were asking for it and that we wanted it. They gave us something and we have to return the favor.
These are a some of the tactics they use to Manipulate us into being sexually abused.
Second Reason: The adult or older person/s job is to guide us throw our sexual awareness/unawareness at each stage, not pray upon it.
What I mean by this is... (I have a personal exampled ) My son at the age of 3 or 4 years old tried to give me a passionate kiss on my lips. I gently pushed him back and told him that that was the way grown-up kiss, like on T.V. or his step dad and I. Then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him that's how he's suppose to kiss his mom and dad.
It was my job to teach him that. At that time he was just copying what he has seen. He was not shamed or told he was bad or wrong, but told that it was for big people. then shown the way kids are to do it, by giving the kiss on the cheek. I gave him a hug too.then sent off to play with his toys.
My son was only doing what kids do best; He was copying what he seen. The same way he copied his A,B,C's from the child's show. He copied the kiss from a soap opera or movie.
Third Reason: The third reason is nature.
Orgasms are a normal physical reaction to to the stimulation. It does not mean that we liked it. It means that our body is working normally. The same for if it felt good. It is natures way of keeping the population going. Since this is a vital function of our species survival, it does not care about what cause the reaction, it just thinks it's time to reproduce. To have an orgasm is not a choice if stimulation has been applied to a healthy body, yours, mine or anyones.
I used plurals so that you know you are not alone. I hope this will help you and you and all the others.
P.S. I am an incest surviver.
Thank you so much.....it took me many years to realize that what happened to me wasn't my fault at all.....I am thankful that I finally DID realize that me being molested WAS NOT my fault!!
Tom B. aka Ihman
thank you for posting this, Its something we should all read and take on board. Our abuse was never our fault, our innocence as children was taken and manipulated by those who wanted to hurt us to fulfil their own needs.
thanks again,
Paula
Brainoverload:
Your "blame/shame" point helped me. My male perp would show me Playboy magazines and get me aroused and make me feel I deserved the "relief" he gave me. (oral sex). Then he said I owed him the same relief. I was 9. You pefectly described my situation and made me feel more normal. Thanks!
Your posts here have given me the strength to face my own abuse. I am so scared to face it. Thank you for giving me that strength.
Glad I could be of help...us survivors need each other!!
Tom B. aka Ihman
thanks again :)
Children depend on others for survival, and usually those others are exclusively the parents that feed us, because that is what survival is about isnt it? Where our next feed comes from, a shocking price to pay to secure it though.
This abuse has been going on since the dawning of time, so why has society allowed it to continue to go on? Surely it has nothing to do with it being right, or is it?
The Old Testament, a book of history as much as it is a biblical account, records of how people whom abused in this way were stoned to death, and were done so to maintain purity, what happened to change this appropriate practice? The birth of Jesus apparently.
I have done some extensive research into sexual abuse, and nothing have I read suggests to me that victims of sexual abuse, regardless of how it impacts or is processed, is any different now than to before the birth of Christ. Sexual abuse before and after the birth of Jesus has a NEGATIVE effect on the victim so maybe the penalty now should be the same as that of the past, if not, then what?
And then what of the damaged victim? Sexual abuse of any kind is definitely WRONG, so as a collective group of society members, what is this group going to do about it to put an END to it?
Reply to: ItsNotAllDark
This is what I think.
-Deity (God) Religion
Religion was invented to control the people, and to give power over women, children and slaves to man.
Religion continues to take power a way from women and children. For them to go to heaven they need to obey their husband/father and do as he says. Leaving the abuser is a sin and will be punished in hell.
To this day religion still controls many people.
-Property
For centuries women and children were property, and at the mercy of their owners (Husband/Father) for their survival.
-Freedom
When the law change to include women and children as human beings with rights of their own. Only a small change happened. They still needed to depend on the husband/father for their survival.
True change happened due to WWII. Due to a shortage of men, women had to enter the work force. This meant that they had their own means of survival.
As our freedom gained strength and along with the invention of the telephone, and later the internet; we were able to reach out for help. We began to tell. We were heard!! Laws were made to protect us. Support groups rise up to help us through our suffering.
-Cycle
The views through the centuries keep changing. Religion is losing it's control. People do care and that is why it is changing. The more we survivors speak about it, the more people learn and care. We the survivors of this era have the chance to stop the cycle in our own lives.
-Knowledge
Knowledge, understanding and talking is the key for us to heal and slow the cycle. It can never be fully stopped, but we can bring it to near death.
I hope this helps.
You raise some very good points....This can explain the shame and guilt that the victims of the Catholic Priests that Molested them have. There is more awareness of the damage caused by sexual abuse today and moer options for therapy for the abused. We all still need to work on our own cases and help others to contribute to the commom good. Thanks again for posting this...You have helped many people who have been abused-(including myself).
Tom B. aka Ihman