Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Why Children Dont Tell
Posted by Boriana Todorova on May 2, 2013 | 0 comments
There are many possible reasons why children do not report the sexual abuse. These are some of the reasons why sexually abused children never tell, and in fact the silence is what empowers the abuser.
Children dont have the language for it, they dont know what is sex, touching, penetration. All this is a completely new thing for them and they just dont know how to describe it.
Children dont make a difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Children are usually warned by their parents not to trust strangers, but in fact only 5-6% of the sexually abused children are abused by strangers. In all the other cases the abuser is someone who the child knows, a parent, a relative, a family friend, a teacher, a coach, a priest.
Children dont realize this is an abuse and a crime if it does not cause them physical pain
Children feel guilty if they feel physical pleasure, which is just a natural body response to the sexual stimulation, but physiological pleasure does not mean an emotional pleasure, and this is difficult for children to understand.
Children are ashamed of the abuse, and of themselves in general
Children are afraid that if they tell everyone will blame them for the abuse
Children believe the abuse was their own fault, because they did not do anything to stop it
Children think this is something that happens to all children
Children think no one will believe their story
Children are afraid of being punished, rejected, or not believed
Children believe they might be hurt even worst by the abuser if they try to resist
Children are afraid for themselves and their families, in case that the abuser is aggressive and threatening
- See more at: http://riseaboveabuse.org/2013/05/why-children-dont-tell/#sthash.SxTrcJLI.dpuf
Posted by Boriana Todorova on May 2, 2013 | 0 comments
There are many possible reasons why children do not report the sexual abuse. These are some of the reasons why sexually abused children never tell, and in fact the silence is what empowers the abuser.
Children dont have the language for it, they dont know what is sex, touching, penetration. All this is a completely new thing for them and they just dont know how to describe it.
Children dont make a difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Children are usually warned by their parents not to trust strangers, but in fact only 5-6% of the sexually abused children are abused by strangers. In all the other cases the abuser is someone who the child knows, a parent, a relative, a family friend, a teacher, a coach, a priest.
Children dont realize this is an abuse and a crime if it does not cause them physical pain
Children feel guilty if they feel physical pleasure, which is just a natural body response to the sexual stimulation, but physiological pleasure does not mean an emotional pleasure, and this is difficult for children to understand.
Children are ashamed of the abuse, and of themselves in general
Children are afraid that if they tell everyone will blame them for the abuse
Children believe the abuse was their own fault, because they did not do anything to stop it
Children think this is something that happens to all children
Children think no one will believe their story
Children are afraid of being punished, rejected, or not believed
Children believe they might be hurt even worst by the abuser if they try to resist
Children are afraid for themselves and their families, in case that the abuser is aggressive and threatening
- See more at: http://riseaboveabuse.org/2013/05/why-children-dont-tell/#sthash.SxTrcJLI.dpuf
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
But if we want to blame someone, we should blame our abusers. When our childhood years are all distorted by abuse, how can we cope with life in rational ways when we move into adulthood? I feel like I'm living in a house with a disintegrating foundation.
Just one example...when someone is abusive toward me, I react by trying to mollify the person instead of objecting and fighting back. That's a learned response from my abused childhood, and I can't just snap my fingers and banish it from my coping mechanisms. Abused children can't fight back, so they do the only thing they can do...try to pacify their tormentor.
It makes me feel like a wimp, and I really hate that. But when I'm stressed it just happens, it's become part of the way I deal with life. I'm trying to learn new ways of dealing with aggressive and abusive people, but it's slow going. But it is going...I'm trying. I'm learning to respond to attacks with calm but firm defenses.
So why would we think in the case of sexual abuse our parents wouldn't ignore us, blame us, ridicule us and give our abusers the OK to do more and worse? We lived with the shut up and don't bother us with your problems regime and had no help to defend ourselves so I think to complain would take enormous courage and logically would mean risking worse on the very long shot that they would defend you and keep you safe.
Mom and Dad both knew, and when I went to them for help it annoyed them. They told me to "stop making waves", and "be the bigger person". I heard it this way- "shut up and take it. You're not worthy of protection." After a while my sister just laughed when I said her I'd "tell on her". She knew early on that in our family, bullying was acceptable and complaining about it was not.
That attitude certainly added to the fear of "telling on" my father! And true to form, I was the bad person for speaking up, and my father is still revered by many family members.
One reason I remember was. I was so worried how my mother and two brothers would survive.
I knew the entire family would explode. Didn't know what would happen to us.
Another of many reasons, SHAME, I know it wasn't my fault but you still feel shamed.
When the people you would normally trust are sexually assaulting you, you're set adrift. I think that could be why I grew up feeling so fearful all the time.
If situations like we experienced persist for years and years, being afraid becomes a way of life that we carry through into adulthood.
There was a study done with confined chimpanzees where they monitored their sexual activity for some time. They were very incestuous, it was apparently very unrestrained sexuality. But the study has been criticized for focusing just on confined animals...chimps in the wild don't seem to act this way from what little is known.
So my guess is that this is a kind of madness that happens to distressed populations of both chimps and humans. It certainly has been well documented statistically that physical child abuse and spousal abuse correlates closely with hard economic times. So I think it's all abnormal behavior...child abuse, incest, violent assaults of every kind...and it all probably happens more often when times are very difficult.
From the standpoint of evolutionary biology and natural selection, incest would not be advantageous for a species in normal times...it often produces offspring with genetic abnormalities. But in times of great stress when populations are threatened, reproduction can become a matter of species survival...so any reproduction would be better than none.
Seems like this drive to reproduce in tough times might be what produced the baby boom after World War 2. That war was the only one in US history where the survival of the country was seriously threatened.
I personally don't believe that the sexual education of children should be left to celibate people. It simply makes no sense whatsoever. And having to tell all to a celibate priest in a dark cubicle...anybody see a problem in that?
I was absolutely terrified this would happen and any time my Mother or Father called me in a certain tone of voice Id think theyve found out ... and would spent x amount of time with my stomach in knots and Id be extremely fearful. I now know this is anxiety.
I was diagnosed with a grumbling appendix at about this time. The doctor looked a bit puzzled but put it down as that. I have never had the slightest problem with my appendix to this day. I would imagine my insides were very tense from being loaded with fear chemicals a lot of the time. I also used to have nightmares.
I have no idea what would have happened if I had told my Mother. Would she have swept it under the carpet along with all the other problems at home? Possibly.
I didnt realise I was an Incest Survivor until I went into therapy ..... I dont know which world I used to live in!
My older sister was, and still is, my mom's favorite. She stopped the abuse for her, but not for me.
I still struggle with that extreme abandonment.
I'm so sad to read everyone's experiences, but it helps to know I'm not alone, now, in 2015, because I had nobody as a child. Absolutely no one cared.