Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Why Children Dont Tell
Posted by Boriana Todorova on May 2, 2013 | 0 comments
There are many possible reasons why children do not report the sexual abuse. These are some of the reasons why sexually abused children never tell, and in fact the silence is what empowers the abuser.
Children dont have the language for it, they dont know what is sex, touching, penetration. All this is a completely new thing for them and they just dont know how to describe it.
Children dont make a difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Children are usually warned by their parents not to trust strangers, but in fact only 5-6% of the sexually abused children are abused by strangers. In all the other cases the abuser is someone who the child knows, a parent, a relative, a family friend, a teacher, a coach, a priest.
Children dont realize this is an abuse and a crime if it does not cause them physical pain
Children feel guilty if they feel physical pleasure, which is just a natural body response to the sexual stimulation, but physiological pleasure does not mean an emotional pleasure, and this is difficult for children to understand.
Children are ashamed of the abuse, and of themselves in general
Children are afraid that if they tell everyone will blame them for the abuse
Children believe the abuse was their own fault, because they did not do anything to stop it
Children think this is something that happens to all children
Children think no one will believe their story
Children are afraid of being punished, rejected, or not believed
Children believe they might be hurt even worst by the abuser if they try to resist
Children are afraid for themselves and their families, in case that the abuser is aggressive and threatening
- See more at: http://riseaboveabuse.org/2013/05/why-children-dont-tell/#sthash.SxTrcJLI.dpuf
Posted by Boriana Todorova on May 2, 2013 | 0 comments
There are many possible reasons why children do not report the sexual abuse. These are some of the reasons why sexually abused children never tell, and in fact the silence is what empowers the abuser.
Children dont have the language for it, they dont know what is sex, touching, penetration. All this is a completely new thing for them and they just dont know how to describe it.
Children dont make a difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Children are usually warned by their parents not to trust strangers, but in fact only 5-6% of the sexually abused children are abused by strangers. In all the other cases the abuser is someone who the child knows, a parent, a relative, a family friend, a teacher, a coach, a priest.
Children dont realize this is an abuse and a crime if it does not cause them physical pain
Children feel guilty if they feel physical pleasure, which is just a natural body response to the sexual stimulation, but physiological pleasure does not mean an emotional pleasure, and this is difficult for children to understand.
Children are ashamed of the abuse, and of themselves in general
Children are afraid that if they tell everyone will blame them for the abuse
Children believe the abuse was their own fault, because they did not do anything to stop it
Children think this is something that happens to all children
Children think no one will believe their story
Children are afraid of being punished, rejected, or not believed
Children believe they might be hurt even worst by the abuser if they try to resist
Children are afraid for themselves and their families, in case that the abuser is aggressive and threatening
- See more at: http://riseaboveabuse.org/2013/05/why-children-dont-tell/#sthash.SxTrcJLI.dpuf
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Recently, I've been able to really feel those feelings while remembering what happened in my therapists office. But, this time I was able to tolerate it because I was an adult. Even then I went into a panic attack. A child could not have tolerated those feelings of shame, guilt and humiliation.
How could report something that you didn't know was wrong.
In the even they are believed, if the abuser is a parent the child doesn't want the parent to be sent away or to feel responsible for the parent being sent away.
-I was too young to understand what was happening
-I was too humiliated
-I would be too embarrassed to talk about it
-I didn't want everyone to know
-I was a lonely child and knew that, while I hated it, it was attention
I still remember the day that i found out what sexual abuse was. I was in third grade and our school counselor did a presentation on it for the class. I had never heard of anything related to sexual abuse. I didn't know what it was. After that, I knew why i was humiliated, ashamed, and sad, and because now i knew what was going on, all the bad feelings escalated.
For me since dad was protected by the police force he once served with, telling wouldn't have matter since they already knew. I also remained silent in fear he'd kill or harm those I did tell. I remember a doc saying we'll protect you, first thought was "yeah right", my second thought was "who's going to protect you".
I was so conflicted about whether or not to say anything because of everything listed already, including a very valid threat to my life. But all-in-all, my primary goal was to make sure I did what was right so I wouldn't be like "them". In order to do that I had to release myself from the lie. A huge problem for me was that I knew the truth would hurt people I cared about, so I went back and forth trying to see how that would be justifiable in this situation. It took me a looong time to realize that sometimes it's necessary to expose hurtful truths for a higher good.
I painfully understand, knowing that feeling that's there's truly no where to turn, that no will will ever come to our rescue. How life becomes one word, SURVIVAL.
TRIGGER WARNING...as I type through tears...
I went to school with the son of the staff sergeant who would come and chastise my dad, after each time the hospital probably reported. One day his son, the class clown was sent to the office. This was towards the end of the day. Schools getting out, kids waiting to get on the bus and dad shows up in his cruiser in uniform. He storms in and I don't think he talked to the principal, he drags his son out and in front of the whole school, throws him over the trunk of his cruiser, pulls out his night stick and just starts beating on him. I'm feeling like I'm shattering inside, since I know how that feels. Teachers try to intervene but his dad yells at them to back off or they'll be next, "this is my son, stay out it", he screams. He finally stops and with one hand throws his now limp son into the back of the cruiser.
END OF TW
I didn't see him till the next week, I remember how worried I was that he was killed, he was all I could think of. He finally came back obviously by the very slow way he moved, that he was very, VERY wounded. I also knew what that was like. I could feel my Heart shatter when I looked in his eyes, "dead eyes", i call it, that class clown, who he was seemed gone, he became more like an empty shell of a human being. As now, I still shed many tears for him.
Whistle...You shall forever remain in a very special place in my Heart...
Keep walking that healing trail, my Sister Survivor,
Comforting, Loving HugsZzz,
Blaine
I've been thinking of my situation as a child. I knew nobody would believe me if I said anything about my sister's sexual advances for very good reasons. One of my sisters used to dress in my father's overcoat and sneak into my room to terrorize me in the dark when I was still in a crib.
I kept telling my parents about this person who came in my room at night and they told me it was just a nightmare. I became a "problem child" who had nightmares all the time and kept his parents from getting their proper sleep.
It happened again and again...years later she kept doing it and even tried it in dim light. Then I realized it was my sister in the coat and hat. I remember she was trying to convince me that I'd swallowed my missing toy turtle and I would die from choking on it.
I have very good reason to believe that my sister's sexual involvement with me started very early, when I was still in diapers. She had a lot of diaper duty, my mother drank a lot.
Anyway, my point is this...what is an infant supposed to do when molested?...cite criminal law and threaten the person changing his or her diapers with legal action?...just trying to point out the absurdity of those who say that children should report the adults who molest them.
When I hear people in my state say that the emphasis in family issues should always be on keeping the family together...I think of my family...the house of horrors.
- I didn't know what it was until I got older
- I was ashamed & embarrassed
- Scared
for me, I did not know what was happening or have the words for it and yes, there was the use of a game so if I said what happened by naming the game, no one would have thought it was abuse. I also remember being lonely and feeling confused and angry but also pleasure and happiness at the thought I was the special one. And there was also the threat that telling would destroy the family and I would be alone. I was told I would have to go live with strangers. Mom had warned me about strangers. So that was a clever threat.
I feel I have forgiven myself for what happened when I was a child but I still struggle with forgiving myself for my adult choices.