Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi All,
I usually read posts rather than post. I am so tired of life right now.
My abuser is my father. He is now in his late 60's. I endured 23 years of his sexual, verbal, physical, and psychological abuse. He lived with my mom, who is essentially his silent partner. Two years ago he fell ill with lung cancer, COPD and emphysema. He had a mild heart attack while in the hospital.
For the last few years he has been in the hospital, and I thought he was simply existing. (I check up every few months). Today I called to find that he was no longer a patient. I was angry. Long have I prayed for his death. But him being in the hospital was like a jail for him. No comfort, no friends, nothing. I tried to ask the nurses where he was or if he died, against hospital policy.
I had my husband call my aunts sister. Apparently he is living with my mother again. He lost over 100 pounds and is in pyshical therapy. He goes out to play cards every Monday. He can walk.
I am upset that the man who stole all the sweet innocentance from me is free. He is now living. It sent fair. Why doesn't he die. So many others who deserve to live are dying when evilness just keeps coming back.
I am so depressed and I feel like I should go break his ribs so he can't breath and is put into the hospital. So angry. My husband says that I am empowering him by letting affect me. It's been 13 years since I have broke free of him but he is still in my life.
Any words of wisdom? Anyone relate? I feel so alone.
I usually read posts rather than post. I am so tired of life right now.
My abuser is my father. He is now in his late 60's. I endured 23 years of his sexual, verbal, physical, and psychological abuse. He lived with my mom, who is essentially his silent partner. Two years ago he fell ill with lung cancer, COPD and emphysema. He had a mild heart attack while in the hospital.
For the last few years he has been in the hospital, and I thought he was simply existing. (I check up every few months). Today I called to find that he was no longer a patient. I was angry. Long have I prayed for his death. But him being in the hospital was like a jail for him. No comfort, no friends, nothing. I tried to ask the nurses where he was or if he died, against hospital policy.
I had my husband call my aunts sister. Apparently he is living with my mother again. He lost over 100 pounds and is in pyshical therapy. He goes out to play cards every Monday. He can walk.
I am upset that the man who stole all the sweet innocentance from me is free. He is now living. It sent fair. Why doesn't he die. So many others who deserve to live are dying when evilness just keeps coming back.
I am so depressed and I feel like I should go break his ribs so he can't breath and is put into the hospital. So angry. My husband says that I am empowering him by letting affect me. It's been 13 years since I have broke free of him but he is still in my life.
Any words of wisdom? Anyone relate? I feel so alone.
The abusers are ba****ds. You have a right to all your feelings - and it takes a lot energy. Have you got a counsellor who you could see for a wee while? Support can be so beneficial.
Sorry you're feeling so depressed. Hugs, Daisymay
I had to let go, for my sanity and cut him and family out of my life..
Try to concentrate on whats good now in your life, don't ask about him or what he is doing, and let ''GOD'', HE WILL burn in hell for what he has done to you, also he is suffering now with the disease, eating him , try hard to put it behind, find someone to help you with your feelings, I believe that any human that has done evil will suffer, asking about him only adds to your pain, your mom is a very evil woman to allow you to suffer such terrible abuse, she is a very sick human being, worse than your f because she allowed it, both your p are very evil, they must have a background of witchcraft or others, do contact me if you need to share, try to move on, to heal, I know its hard, but its possible, cut them all out of your life, like an invisible scissor cutting the past from the today**
LOVING HUGS ,LUCY**
I hope you have lots and lots of support - you need acceptance and validation for your feelings.
By the way, 13 years since you were abused isn't that long.
Oh, and speaking for myself, I was sexually abused as a small child - and I had lots of anger. These days, it comes up when I hear of an other child abused.
I have lots of confusion in thoughts and feelings about father. So I am not sure of myself.
But I did recognize that cutting him off as much as possible was necessary for some degree of relief. its already tough enough for you and your life. for any of us. so booting him out is a good thing.
I don't understand but I don't seem to have the courage to confront my father. I feel a lot of fear. I feel like my inner is waiting for him to just say with a heart that he is deeply sorry and wants to make amends or at least explain why? why couldn't he love me for real. why no regrets. so no anweres for me there. so I at least have in my ability to shut him out.
its a matter of feeling human and ok.
oh I do get angry enough, it goes in cycles, were I jus wanna destroy him the way he destroyed me. left me to pick up every part of me off the field of destruction that he created. but I realize jus as much that I would inflict great harm on my inner kid. I do believe, despite what we feel, that there is a little innocent we protect deep inside. and my inner kid doesn't want to do violence. so I turn my cyclic anger aside.
you are not alone. sending you warm thoughts
rafyel
I totally understand where you're coming from and how you want your father dead or in some sort of jail. But I can tell you that death doesn't bring closure, neither does justice. Closure comes from within, from focusing on yourself and your needs. If you need to rant and scream, rant and scream, but also make sure you give time to the good things in your life so that they can develop and grow.
In a garden, it's good to pull out the weeds, but to get the best result you need to tend to the flowers as well. Pulling out the weeds but not tending to the flowers risks just making more room for more weeds. Look after the flowers properly and they will flourish so there won't be room for the weeds any more.
Hugs
I use to call the hospital to get the switchboard to tell me was still admitted so I would know he was 1. Alive and suffering or 2. Dead. Never ever thought he would get out.
I understand that I need him to not exist in my life anymore, I just don't know how. So many things I do, behaviours, gestures are designed to keep him at bay or to minimalize the aftermath. I am so messed up.
How do I convince myself that the evilness of my father cannot hurt me or come near me?
It just seems to have become part of me, like they're always looking over my shoulder...approving or disapproving. I do get breaks where their presence seems gone from my mind, but it always seems to come back. The sexual things I remember involve my sister when I was eight and she was eighteen, but I'm almost certain that things happened earlier and I can't remember it. There are a lot of signs of it.
I wish I could just break free of them all, but so far I haven't been able to do that. I guess it's a slow process, not something that happens suddenly when they die or become incapacitated.
I think we have to be patient and persistent about this. It's like growing a garden...nothing seems to be happening, but with time there are changes. We have to stay with it, keep tending the garden, and have faith that it will get better.
take care of yourself and try not to visit the place where the evil still haunts you.
You have a choice, IMO; you can continue to focus your energy on your father or you can focus your energy on healing yourself.
While part of focused healing is getting the anger out at those who hurt us, it is said that depression is "anger turned inward." Are you blaming yourself for something?
I agree with your husband in part; your understandable anger does empower your father and does it by keeping you locked in the past. It's hard to heal when part of us continues to relive the past. The way out is through.
Healing asks us to discover who we are beneath our trauma experiences. It asks us to look at ourselves and come to love what we see.
And probably a most difficult request--it asks us to say what we've learned to help us grow. My greatest lesson was coming to know that I am greater and more than the abuse. That freed me.
I wish that freedom for you as well; just know that you don't have to wait for your father to die to be free.
To further the garden analogy:
There will always be conditions that encourage weeds in our gardens for weeds are just as much a part of nature as flowers are. Our work, for love of our gardens, is to pull the weeds when we see them least they take deep root and require more energy to remove them.
Focus on you, the flower, and pull the weed called father.
xx
SuzA
He's still old. He's still frail.
He still has a lung condition that is going to SLOWLY, PAINFULLY kill him.
...If he threatens you, you're an adult, you're his size, and you CAN stop him. You CAN take him down.
...If you need to, I'd recommend taking martial arts; judo in specific if you can find a place to take it; though any will do.
It would help you to realize you are a strong adult now, and able to defend the frightened kids in your head.
I was afraid of my dad for a long time...it was irrational, and I know that now, but I totally get you.
Many years I prayed to die myself and when that didn't happen I began to focus on wanting my abuser (my step dad) dead. He still lives and many times I just want someone to tell me he is dead so my pain would end. He and my mom are still married and stopped speaking to my mom for years because she was still with him.
Your feelings are real and you are right to have them.
However whatever you do don't hurt him or you will be the one imprisoned then you do give him the power over the rest of your life.
Scream, cry, and be angry, you have the right, and you deserve it!