Not trying to cross between two separate groups on here...

But I've been thinking A LOT today about my three baby girls that I've lost in the last year. I keep thinking about my supposed "family"- and all my hatred towards most of them. I hate my mother for betraying me, for not caring that her own children were suffering emotionall and physically and for letting my sexual abuse take place. I hate my stepdad for everything he did to me. I hate my dead great uncle for molesting me when I was 4 and every time he saw me since then. I hate him for raping me at 12 years old and threatening to do the same to my baby sister if I ran my mouth....... Well you're dead now and I'm not scared of you hurting us anymore. But I hate you with every part of my heart.

I'm 20 years old and would give anything to have a real family- a family of my own. I've always wanted to be a mother, so I can be rid of all the mistakes my own mother made. I want to hold something beautiful, I want to be able to love something so precious... I want to see my babies just once and know that there's some part of my family- my blood- that I can love regardless of my past.

I have a great job. I've been promoted and I'm looking at two more promotions... I work hard to get where I am at and I would give anything to have a family of my own... I don't get why I had to live through so much horror and pain- and then have to deal with the pain of losing my three beautiful children before I ever held them. I thought I was past asking "why" when I first opened up about my abuse....... but now I find myself asking "why" again...