Incest Survivors Support Group

Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...

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Told to get over it.

proudaunt
proudaunt
A really good friend (or I thought she was) just called me and said 'did you hear that Jennifer Hudson has given forgivness to the man that killed her family". Before I could answer she tells me " Why can't you just do that and move on, it's getting old."

First off I am happy that Jennifer can do this. But this tradegy only happened to her as an adult and has not had to live in shame for years. She has no reason to feel guilt and keep things a secret. But good for her. I tried to tell her this but she just talked above me. I am not ready to forgive my grandfather. I have not even told my therapist the whole story yet.

Who does she think she is telling me this. I am well aware that the abuse has taken over my life and that now i also suffer from seizures(which this set off) now. I am sorry if my life has been an incovience to you. I was a child and was not able to do anything about it. Doesn't she realize that I hate living this way, I would love to be free. To be able to get back to work and be apart of the community would be amazing. But I am not ready yet.

sorry rambling and i know spelling is bad always is.
deleted_user
deleted_user
People.That is why i avoid them as much as i can.
Send her this link...

http://emergingfrombroken.com/standing-up-to-damaging-advice-and-overcoming-trauma-directives/
deleted_user
deleted_user
Great link anonymousse - thanks.
proudaunt
proudaunt
Love the link not just for her but also for me. I just sent it to her. I will be surprised to see what she has to say. Not that it really matters she already broke the friendship, as I found out she told other friends what i had said. Some of these people knew nothing about the abuse. I guess I need to keep my mouth shut and only talk to you guys about it.
ReadingTreasure
ReadingTreasure
This to me is one of the most central issues. My mom's efforts to deny and cover up what happened were worse for me than the events themselves, which I can't even remember. I've heard the saying that unforgiveness or bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die, but this doesn't feel like bitterness to me. It just feels like pain. How am I supposed to let that go? Like you said, if only I could.
sadave46
sadave46
People, even really good friends, say stupid things sometimes. Her comment reflects a lack of understanding or she was just in a crappy mood....I recognize either way, it still hurts a lot and even more so given she's a good friend....but she didn't go through what you did and she;s not you. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse don't just get over it...they learn to cope and come to terms with it. You certainly don't need to feel bad or feel judged because your not ready to forgive....you've still got much anger to process. You are where you are in the process of healing and where you are is fine...we all move at different paces. If your friend can't understand that then you can value her for whatever good qualities she possesses but her message seemed to be she doesn't get it and doesn't want to hear about it anymore....that had to have hurt a lot. But she's but one person albeit someone you counted on...so on top of everything else you now have this hurt, anger and loss of trust with her. If this wasn't typical for her, then wait until your emotions have died down some and then express how much it hurt you. You may have to educate her some....many don't get it. I have a sister who says the same to me....some people literally can't get it unless they've experienced it. But don't just sit with your hurt, find a time to tell her but come from the hurt (as that's the issue) not the anger which will only make her defend herself again. Let her know your hurt without attacking and then you must just accept the outcome. I hope she will hear you...even if she can't understand why you can't.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I also just got told to get over my past, that the past is behind me. Blah. Blah. Blah.
proudaunt
proudaunt
She left me a voice mail apologizing but it did not seem real. I have tried to call her back and no answer. I turn 41 next week and we have been friends since we are two. It broke my heart. I have been their for her for every thing that has happened to her. I don't want to lose her we have to figure this out.
or she will be lossing a Great Friend.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm happy to see that you are still with us Proud. I was worried about you today. Don't condemn her, it's so hard for those who haven't experienced this to understand an iota of what we're feeling. It's impossible and because of that, sometimes people will say things that to us seem insensitive, uncaring and defy logic. I'm sure that she wasn't saying "Get over it" because she wanted to hurt you or because she doesn't care but most likely she wants you to move on for you because it's difficult for her to see you feeling the way it can make you feel. People say dumb things when they haven't had to deal with it and don't understand.

My Aunt who was like a second mother to me would always tell me "Don't dwell on the past" and "Don't use your abuse as a crutch". I KNOW she loved me like I was her own and that she wasn't trying to hurt me but it definitely hurt when she said it and I was very defensive. I understand now that she was trying to support me in the ways that she knew how.
nelliefay
nelliefay
stuff forgiveness! I understand your pain at what your friend said, it was really hurtful. I hope you can sort it out with her. I think my family is threatened and uncomfortable, not only with my history of childhood sex aubse, but also with my mental illness. So they shun me, as this is eaier for them. Stuff them! Tellling someone to 'get over it' is also a way of trying to avoid the survivor's pain.