Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I read a post here: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Incest-Survivors/forum/13746887-everyone-knows-now
And after reading it something kind of made sense to me. As I shared before, I was sexually abused and raped several times by several people, one of them my own father. That was never discussed in my family (shock!). However, I remember when I was 9 I overheard my mother telling another woman from the religious organization they belong to about me getting raped. My reaction was (did I mention I was 9?) that I should worry about my rapists knowing, my mom knowing and now that woman knowing. "That should be it. Those are the only ones who know since I don't plan to tell anyone", that's what I reasoned then. I wasted so much time feeling responsible for keeping it secret and being unable to, feeling that it was something so bad I did that my mom had to go to confide in another person about it. For the rest of my childhood I was teased, mistreated, bullied and treated like I am some kind of waste because of it.
The feeling I have today for something that happens brings up the same sense of helplessness and powerlessness.
Today I am anxious, pissed, mad at myself and very worried about something that happened today. I manage computer classes and have a staff of 6 computer instructors. I speak a second language and there's demand for classes in that language so even though I'm not supposed to teach I teach in the other language since the morons I manage can't care for anything other than themselves.
Since I don't like my working situation, going to another site and being in a classroom is something I love. Before leaving to teach we had a meeting which I had to conduct. No one had anything to take notes at the meeting (I'm leaving details as to why), so I pulled out my notepad and ripped two pages for the note taker and gave her the notepad to write on. I forgot that the notepad was my personal journal where I keep and write my personal thoughts and feelings, including how I feel about my job.
After the meeting I forgot to ask for it back and I went to teach my class. I am very afraid that she was indiscreet about reading it. I wouldn't be a surprise if they shared my personal thoughts among themselves.
My job situation is disgusting. It's a very hostile environment and the bunch of people I have to manage are very cocky and disrespectful. Needless to say I am isolated and without any support and I just hate the place as well as their attitudes. Now I have to worry about them reading my personal journal.
I am so upset. It feels just like that evening when I was hearing my own mother gossiping about me getting raped to another woman in the congregation.
And after reading it something kind of made sense to me. As I shared before, I was sexually abused and raped several times by several people, one of them my own father. That was never discussed in my family (shock!). However, I remember when I was 9 I overheard my mother telling another woman from the religious organization they belong to about me getting raped. My reaction was (did I mention I was 9?) that I should worry about my rapists knowing, my mom knowing and now that woman knowing. "That should be it. Those are the only ones who know since I don't plan to tell anyone", that's what I reasoned then. I wasted so much time feeling responsible for keeping it secret and being unable to, feeling that it was something so bad I did that my mom had to go to confide in another person about it. For the rest of my childhood I was teased, mistreated, bullied and treated like I am some kind of waste because of it.
The feeling I have today for something that happens brings up the same sense of helplessness and powerlessness.
Today I am anxious, pissed, mad at myself and very worried about something that happened today. I manage computer classes and have a staff of 6 computer instructors. I speak a second language and there's demand for classes in that language so even though I'm not supposed to teach I teach in the other language since the morons I manage can't care for anything other than themselves.
Since I don't like my working situation, going to another site and being in a classroom is something I love. Before leaving to teach we had a meeting which I had to conduct. No one had anything to take notes at the meeting (I'm leaving details as to why), so I pulled out my notepad and ripped two pages for the note taker and gave her the notepad to write on. I forgot that the notepad was my personal journal where I keep and write my personal thoughts and feelings, including how I feel about my job.
After the meeting I forgot to ask for it back and I went to teach my class. I am very afraid that she was indiscreet about reading it. I wouldn't be a surprise if they shared my personal thoughts among themselves.
My job situation is disgusting. It's a very hostile environment and the bunch of people I have to manage are very cocky and disrespectful. Needless to say I am isolated and without any support and I just hate the place as well as their attitudes. Now I have to worry about them reading my personal journal.
I am so upset. It feels just like that evening when I was hearing my own mother gossiping about me getting raped to another woman in the congregation.
There have been many times in my life where I have felt vulnerable to the whims of other people. I spent a lot of time twisting myself in knots about what they would do about the intimate information they had about me and how it would impact my life. Anxious, pissed, worried - all the same. I have trouble trusting people in the first place and many people have betrayed my trust (including my mother, my father, my brothers,....). It is no wonder I panic when someone is in a position of betraying me.
It is not easy to believe that people will respect you or your feelings, but I have to hope that all people aren't as messed up as those I have been surrounded with up until now. I would be discreet and careful with your personal journals - and I think there are a lot of other people who would do the same. I hope this person doesn't let you down. ((Hugs))
Remember - you have the right to say and think whatever you want. If anyone gets at you stand by your guns, don't apologise or make excuses. If they don't like what they read then that's their problem.
Having said all that - I do think it's a difficult situation and I wish you luck. I hope you will be surprised and you find that no one has read or spread around the contents of your journal.
I say talk to her and tell her to honestly let you know if she read it. If she says yes, kindly ask her not to repeat what she read, and those thoughts werent for her to see.
As far as the cocky people you manage, stand up to them! They think they are hot shit, make them look dumb, by teaching them something they dont know. Then tell them if they ever come to a meeting again without a pad of paper and pen, they will be written up or something.
I know how to deal with cocky people, they group up and use eachother for support. Find the lead of said pool of dumbasses, and teach him something about the job thats valuable. If that dont work, make him feel like an ass, or rempremand him.