It's strange how much my mind can change from one day to the next. Some days the world seems like a dark and terrifying hell, other days it is glowing with love and vitality. Some days I hate myself with a passion and wish to blot out my existence. Other days I have a great deal of love and respect for myself. It's hard to believe in the positive when the negative takes hold. No matter which way my mind goes, in that moment it feels like The Truth.

I am going to start doing this guided meditation from YouTube that I used to do - it helps me keep my mind in a positive direction and is supposed to be beneficial to health as well. I'm going to post about it on the PTSD group as "Qigong Challenge". Please try it if you're interested.

Maybe I will try tomorrow. Today is not good. I never have a day feeling good, just shades of surviving. I see a shrink the end of this month.
The main reason for my way of thinking is that when I was very young I was taught that I was only good for one thing. My safety nets were my Mom (who is dead now) and my cat. I would just like to be held by God, people are too scary and terrifying. That was the other lesson I was taught before I could even read.

I understand how you feel. I'm sure God is holding you, if you could only feel it. Please feel the sincere blessings of my heart reaching out to you.

I totally get where you are coming from. I struggle with those thoughts and feelings as well. The person that I talk to on almost a daily basis told me it was okay to feel those feelings, just not to act on them. She said that she did not want to attend a suicide survivors support group on my behalf. I'm telling you that there are people that you will be able to reach out and help that no one else can, even if it is just through the computer. Please feel the positive thoughts and cyber hug being sent your way.

thank you so much for caring everybody. it means a lot oo xx

I have been where you are. For most of my life I've had suicidal thoughts almost every day and have acted on them plenty of times and have done permanant damage to my body. There can be light at the end of the tunnel. There has been for me. It's taken me a lot of work and lots of support, therapy, meds, DS, in person support groups, meditating, writing, and I have felt my Goddess holding me in her arms.

I've looked at every part of me and have come to accept myself as I am. If someone had told me that, I would have thought they were from another planet. Others on DS have seen all these changes in me and I will be eternally grateful for their support.

This might or might not help you, but when I used to have persistent suicidal thoughts, instead of fighting them I would say to myself 'OK, this is how you feel. If you still feel like this when you are 60, then you can kill yourself.' (you can pick whatever point in the future you like, but it works best if it is long term and has some meaning for you)

Giving myself permission to feel as I was feeling, but also the knowledge that if it didn't get better by a certain point in the future I could choose to act on it, gave me strength to withstand the 'now'.

It has got better. It is a long time since I have had the deep despair that lead to suicidal thoughts. Despair is a symptom, not the cause. Allow the symptoms and put all your energy into fighting the cause.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. Mary Anne Radmacher

I often think of this quote to get me through darker times.

And I, too, have an older cat buddy. Mine is 19, going blind and deaf, and in the beginning stages of kidney failure. Some days when I'm walking home from work I just can't wait to see him and sing to him. He loves me no matter what, and I'm sure your cat-girl does, too.

Ha, as if his ears are burning, he's now trilling from the first floor (i'm on the 3rd). He howls and trills like this day and night (not in pain, I've been assured by my awesome vet)...it's much cuter during the daytime hours... :)

I admit that I do. It has nothing much to do with sexual abuse at the moment. But other nasty stuff. The childhood sexual abuse did not help much though. Whoever abused you sexually committed an extremely vicious act. You are innocent , pure and beautiful, as much so now as before being abused. It is cruel to have a life stolen by incest. But you are still alive because of a cat that loves you and who you love, a living being who is greatful to you for all you have given it and who you love so dearly. I'm almost 60 and I haven't had much of a life either. I relate to everything you said. You sound as if you are very depressed, which is natural, being that it is a concequence of being sexually abused for some who become victims of incest and can last a lifetime. You also mentionned your age which grabbed my attention. You said you are age 55. That is the age of perimenopause in women, and andropause in men which is the male version of perimenopause. I can only suggest that you talk to your family doctor about all your depression mentionning your age and incest victimisation(s). All my doctors know of my incestuous victimisations because I take meds for medical conditions and some of them have depression as a side effect. So now my family Dr monitors those meds prescribed that have depression, anxiety and nervousness as side effects. The more info a doctor has the better he/she can take care of us. Mu dentist even has that in his records. He noticed teeth that were victims of grinding. I told him next time of my incestuous victimisations and the anxiety that caused because tooth grinding can be caused by anxiety. I just tell them all this stuff to help them help me and because I DID NOTHING WRONG! Neither did you or anybody else here who has sufferred from NONconcentual incestuous victimisations . Note I said NONconcentual because children can't consent to sex with abusers and those who have sex with children are abusers and criminals. Nothing happens to victims of perps of such abuse or of ANY crime. You can PM me if you want to. But I recommend you talk to your doctor about your depression because of your incestuous victimisations and because of you age for reasons mentionned above which are gender friendly. See what he/she can do. Good luck. What is your cat's name by the way?