I struggle to remember if there was sexual abuse to explain weird things that happened with my dad, and appreciate that people can talk openly about this here.
I had strange reactions to him as a small child, like when I was scared while sitting on his lap with his pubic hair showing. As a preschooler I felt enraged when he and I were looking at a woman on TV having a needle inserted into her abdomen. He regularly ridiculed my mom, and wanted me to go along with him.
All my childhood we were close, (no siblings, just him and my schizophrenic mom). I had reoccurring strange dreams of a scary sexual nature, and one had him in it. He was coming at me like a freight train and then was on top of me. The other dreams were with a criminal chasing me and I'd throw myself on the ground to offer my body, so he wouldn't kill me.
A therapist says he sounds like a sociopath, because he acts really different in various scenarios, where some people think he's a great guy but others witness his violent temper, yelling in public etc. No one saw him almost choke my mom. A couple freinds were in the car when he drove in a rage and it felt like we were going to crash and die. He also stole from me as an older adult, and my aunt won against him in court. He thinks this is funny, but holds lofty standards of judgement towards others, especially me. He feels intellectually superior towards most everyone, but tends to only reveal this to me.
I want to know if sexual abuse is part of why I'm scared around men. Part of me doesn't want to know. It scares me to wonder if I'll remember or not. I can't be around him without feeling ill, but am pressured to be there for him because he's old.
He expected me to get a college degree, and not be affected by my mom's schizophrenia. He said crying meant I needed to be medicated. I've rarely cried most of my life.
I don't want to talk about this to a therapist because I might loose emotional control in front of someone, and hate being labeled. Maybe talking about it here would help me be able to talk to a therapist.
its been a problem for a while but now the tiniest sound is doing me in. Listening to meditation music on headphones with a fan for white noise helps. But even sudden changes in the music, like a stop and start, are getting to me.Ive also had nightmares every night since I found out about getting that apartment. I keep having nightmares about my parents, my mother stalking me to the point of...
I use to be success, I had a good job, friends, and yes I had my share of failures in life, but I had enough wins the failures did not matter. Now it seems that the failures are so much more than the wins. I cannot seem to catch a break and make things work. I keep trying but lately I have been thinking and feeling why bother, it is too hard, and it only ends in failure...