Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I struggle to remember if there was sexual abuse to explain weird things that happened with my dad, and appreciate that people can talk openly about this here.
I had strange reactions to him as a small child, like when I was scared while sitting on his lap with his pubic hair showing. As a preschooler I felt enraged when he and I were looking at a woman on TV having a needle inserted into her abdomen. He regularly ridiculed my mom, and wanted me to go along with him.
All my childhood we were close, (no siblings, just him and my schizophrenic mom). I had reoccurring strange dreams of a scary sexual nature, and one had him in it. He was coming at me like a freight train and then was on top of me. The other dreams were with a criminal chasing me and I'd throw myself on the ground to offer my body, so he wouldn't kill me.
A therapist says he sounds like a sociopath, because he acts really different in various scenarios, where some people think he's a great guy but others witness his violent temper, yelling in public etc. No one saw him almost choke my mom. A couple freinds were in the car when he drove in a rage and it felt like we were going to crash and die. He also stole from me as an older adult, and my aunt won against him in court. He thinks this is funny, but holds lofty standards of judgement towards others, especially me. He feels intellectually superior towards most everyone, but tends to only reveal this to me.
I want to know if sexual abuse is part of why I'm scared around men. Part of me doesn't want to know. It scares me to wonder if I'll remember or not. I can't be around him without feeling ill, but am pressured to be there for him because he's old.
He expected me to get a college degree, and not be affected by my mom's schizophrenia. He said crying meant I needed to be medicated. I've rarely cried most of my life.
I don't want to talk about this to a therapist because I might loose emotional control in front of someone, and hate being labeled. Maybe talking about it here would help me be able to talk to a therapist.
There are many things that I do not remember from my childhood because of the sexual abuse that I suffered. Even after 7 years of exposure therapy, my childhood memories are still like Swiss cheese. I have holes in my memories. And while exposure therapy did cause some repressed memories to come through, I know that I am not remembering everything because I can feel it within myself. I made the decision that not knowing everything was what was best for me so I never perused any additional therapy to help with regaining all my memories. The ones I have are more than enough. And I am okay with this. I was able to reclaim my life even with not remembering everything. Mind you this does come with a risk of repressed memories coming out in dreams and flashbacks. But in my experience that is a rare occurrence.
As a survivor, I hope that one day you experience what it is to feel healed and take your power back once more from those who betrayed you. It is a long process, but one thing that my therapist always told me was to "trust the process" and I am very glad that I took her advice on that. It helped me push through when things got rough.
Much love to you and I offer you my support regardless which path you take in your healing.