Hi my friend. Sounds like you are feeling anger and lack of freedom. Did something trigger you recently? I know you said you are thinking about your late husband and the jerk but did something remind you of being used or trapped to make you think about these other men?

I have found sometimes I am focusing my anger and frustration on men in my adult history when really I have not addressed my rage at my grandfather.

Also, when I am feeling that rage and helplessness, which it sounds like you are feeling, I begin to focus on all that is wrong.

The only way to get myself out of that groove is to find something pretty. I am really happy about where I live. I get to hear mockingbirds sing for an alarm clock every morning. Something about nature always cheers me up, so I get outside or I cook myself some comfort food. Just looking out the window or taking a walk and admiring other people's yards can help me too.

The other night I had a similar feeling to what you are describing. I was really anxious and scared. I think what triggered it was that I had been listening to live music and during that time a few men flirted with me. It made me think about desires, opportunities, commitment or lack of it, etc.

Something that has helped me has been to take care of my body better. The part of myself that coped the most with the abuse is learning how to experience touch in non-threatening ways and learning that we can flirt without any bad consequences. I am exercising my body too and building confidence in my body as a part of me not as something we can't trust.

Desires are normal and bodies are an opportunity for sensory experiences we don't get when we are in spirit form. I would encourage you to enjoy some sensory experiences that are safe. What about smelling spices or touching a cat or arranging flowers?

take care of yourself and try to be gentle with yourself ... no judgments. Of course we dissociated to have orgasms. .... or course we have problems with commitment.....of course we are vulnerable to being misled by jerks ..... these things have happened in our lives because our boundaries were violated by people we were supposed to be able to trust. We can learn how to establish safe boundaries and take care of ourselves. Mistakes will happen, and we just have to dust off, assess what we can do differently next time, and try again.

This is how I deal with the anger, rage, helplessness, and fear .... I hope it helps.

Dragonfly has good pints and I don't think I can add anything other than to say before I met my husband I felt nothing for any man I had a 'relationship' with, long or short term.
Orgasms without dissociating - that's a pretty new thing, and I still daren't really allow emotion in (although I'd like to).

Your body is a wonderful thing and so are desires, one day you will get your body back and realise it is yours.

I was having a lot of emotion last night. I still am but it is better.

In other words; I babbled incoherently. The desires I have are to be able to be emotionally intimate with someone. I am so afraid of that. I want it. I hate it. I'm scared of it.

I do want the whole thing. Emotional and sexual intimacy. With the same person. It has never happened. I try to satisfy each part of myself separately with different people.

Doesn't matter anyway. Some things just don't happen.

I feel exactly the way you do:

"The desires I have are to be able to be emotionally intimate with someone. I am so afraid of that. I want it. I hate it. I'm scared of it."

now that I have remembered what my grandfather did to me, I'm frozen by the conflicting emotions you and I are feeling. I have had two children and sex and love at least for a time since I have had affairs with male friends. After those positive (if somewhat superficial) experiences, I now feel incapable of intimacy. It's been on my mind this weekend especially .... I was trying to figure out what triggered me, and I think it was hanging out with men in social situations this last week. I have stayed at home all day today, tired achey and depressed. I feel weepy but unable to weep.

I am seriously wondering how in the hell I will date again.

But I don't think it is hopeless. It will happen for both of us if we keep taking care of ourselves and taking healthy chances. Hugs your way Cecil

Tw possible
Dragonfly..Cecil...you both mentioned something that I relate to...I've never been totally present during sex or at least until I've managed to get the woman to such a state of arousal that she's so lost in sensation she's forgot about me and then and only then do I allow myself to let myself go and feel free. Her arousal is what always drives mine. I also am unable to relax and enjoy most women's attempts to please me as most often i feel it's perfunctory (no doubt often unfair assumption) as she carries a believe she's supposed to ..the only exception have been few a times where it quickly because clear doing it was a turn on for her independently of just pleasing me I'm primarily referring to receiving oral) typically I can only tolerate a minute or two before I stop her and give to her instead. Few have noticed I struggle receiving for them for very long. I have some idea how I got this way (my role with my mother from young age) I was taught to be a giver.

But I'm so friggin tired of not being fully present and one of my primary goals for a number of years now is before I die is to actually be totally present and have the sex be an expression of my depth of love and caring for my partner and she with me as we look into one another's eyes. This is one of the saddest effects of having been abused. I WILL accomplish this goal! Lustful sex has it's place for sure but having it mixed with intimate love making is very important too in a healthy relationship and I've missed out on having that sadly and also on intimate occasion my arousal stems from love not just my partners arousal level.

Exactly sadave. I can do the lust thing but when I see couple looking into each others eyes and it is a love thing...well....I just cannot understand how they can do that. My mind is blown. It is just something so foreign to me.