...You survive by growing past it, I suppose.
It's your body.
He may have violated it, but he doesn't get to keep ownership of it. It's still yours.
I reclaimed my body through martial arts, I think something like that might help you, but much of what helps is time and tears.

Your life is going to be yours again, you get to reclaim that too. Not easy at all.

I believe we are made up of 3 individual but interrelated parts - our mind, our body and our soul. Childhood sexual abuse rips these apart from each other. It is massive trauma that you don't just move on from, instead you can heal and learn to live with the scars. Think of it like being knocked down by a bus.

Physically you are a survivor because you are still alive. Your body survived.
Mentally you are a survivor because you are able to write on here and ask for help.
And your soul is eternal, but probably lost from you in order to keep it safe.

You are surviving (even if it doesn't feel like it), but you aren't yet thriving. To do that you need to let yourself heal and let the bits of you grow back together again.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. None of this was your fault. You are perfectly you.

I agree with hylierandom and Breakingtheshell - you sound like you are starting your true journey toward healing, in that you recognize the fact that something just does not seem right in your "inner balance" so to speak.
What the abuser took from you was innocence, pride and power - you have survived, but it sounds like you need more power and growth - this does take time, tears and healing, but it also takes a lot of inner exploration.....to find where the actual damage is. We can all tell you about our experiences and what stages we went through, tools that helped and such, but you must take the journey toward healing on your own - and it can be a lonely journey at times. That is what this forum has meant to me - I am not so alone and no longer thinking I was the only one that experienced what I experienced.
As with any form of healing, there is discomfort - if you have ever broken a bone, you may remember the "inner itch and pain" that occurred when the bone was stitching itself back together. That is similar to what many of us have felt - healing hurts at times. But it is important to strive through the pain and discomfort in order to fully heal. And it is possible.
You seem to be feeling that "I don't belong to me" sort of emotion - I can relate to that, but once you become more empowered and realize that your abuse is in the past (I do hope it is) then you can gain your strength back by confronting the loss of your power and start to rebuild.
You have many here who will help as they can, and may your journey not be a long or particularly lonely one.
All my best-
Refuse2quit

So far it hs been a long and painful journey for me with some very hard work in therapy. I am starting to accept all the parts of me. I am left with a lot of baggage from the abuse, like not being able to tolerate criticism. I get very defensive, want to hurt myself, run away and hide and resent the person I felt criticisized by. I am working on this baggage from the past, but I am not past it. Being aware of it, I feel embarrassed when I notice it coming out.

Already awesome replies. My thoughts. You're in that victims mindset and that's not a bad thing, it's good. We all need to go through that, it's part of the healing process. It allows us to feel what we been through, to remember so we can finally accept what we been through. We then can shed those tears and let that pain out. I sure your shedding tears, but when that pain releases you'll know, those are usually those unable to move, feel like you're going to die cries. Yes they're rough, but when they're done, you'll fell like a million bucks and you'll have the best sleep you've ever had after also. Then the feeling of being a survivor starts to take root. You'll start to experience some peace and serenity. Yes there will be times you may still struggle, I still do, but living tends to bring those struggles on, on occasion. As long a we continue to practise proper coping skills, to "maintain" ourselves, we CAN and WILL get through anything.

Healing takes times and like the others have said, be patient,kind, understanding and loving to yourself. This isn't a race and no prize at the end, only Freedom!! From my eyes, you're moving forward very well!! :) Blaine

Hi Cassandra- The replies to you here have been very much on target. I almost didn't reply myself, since it might be redundant. But I would just like to add something that helped me to "own" my personal identity, in case it can help you too.

I came from a family of reprobates who managed to violate my mind, body and soul. But I finally realized that in the face of evil I managed to hold on to my principles. And my ability to love (although a bit repressed) was still intact. They couldn't take the essence of who I am. No one can take that from you either.

YOUR mind and YOUR body survived as sure as you're sitting there. Learning to be your own care-taker is daunting, but since you could stand up and live despite seemingly impossible odds, you're strong enough to heal and thrive. As others have said, be patient and gentle with yourself. We all feel like throwing in the towel at times, so that's when you need to practice self-nurturing. Like any other brave, innocent person who's been horribly traumatized, you deserve to love and honor yourself... scars and all.

(((Warm hugs)))

Cassandra,

It sounds like you're judging yourself harshly, as if the rape were your fault. And when we are in that place of self-blame I will say it is harder to move on.

A therapist trained to work with survivors would be a big help and I hope you are able to see one. If not, check out Matt Atkinson's book, Resurrection After Rape...also a big help.

Your life may be "...completely messed up" right now, but it doesn't have to stay that way if you're willing to do the work required to heal.

The work is hard--probably the hardest thing you'll ever do--but the reward is more than equal to the work required because you'll uncover YOU.

I'm not really sure how you define survivor, but physically you survived, so in that sense you are a survivor.

The emotional and spiritual levels may be what you're referring to and that's where deep wounds lie for many. But, even those can heal in time and with hard work.

From my perspective, death is not a solution, only a temporary escape so make a decision now to be willing to open yourself to the world of healing.

That's all you have to do is to be WILLING to do whatever it takes to safely heal.

Have you read The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis? If not, that is another book you may want to check out.

xx
SuzA

I felt like a non survivor of incest for a long many year:(
When my vioce finnally came out It scared not only me ,....but the ones who did these horrible things.
You will find your strong voice, In fact , in my opinion ......you have started your ROAR!
I did not like it when people told me it would take time. But in my experiance, It did indeed.
Reasearch research research..... That help me alot .