Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I have been thinking a lot about what I went through as a child. I have read two books lately written by women who were sexually abused. One was an adult when it happened, one a child. I admire that they have the courage to write about it, talk about it and most of all move on from it. But I can't help but wonder if it is easier if it was a stranger. Both these women were raped by people they did not know, their family and friends did not know. The world may not have been the kindest to them at the trial, but they had people outraged on their behalf. They took these men to court and they had them placed in jail.
Is it easier when it isn't a family member? When everyone doesn't regard it as a dirty little secret and wants it swept under the rug? When no one wants to admit their brother, uncle, father, son is a perverted criminal who molests small girls? When there is no public outcry? When there is no justice, no jail time? When you still see your molester at family gatherings, weddings and funerals?
Did you tell? Who did you tell? Did they support you?
I didn't tell. I had a diary that my mother snuck in my room and found and read. I was confronted about it and told them it was true. They came back and said they had talked to my abuser. Then they asked me if I wanted therapy. I said no and it was never ever mentioned again. Everything just went back to "normal".
How do you move on from something that had no closure? Did you?
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I haven't moved on. I can't remember what happened but have been haunted for 40+ years by feelings and symptoms that tell me something terrible happened to me when I was young, and I believe both father and brother are guilty. I have been working with a therapist and trying to make myself strong and stable enough to face the truth. As for my family, I will never tell them, because they don't love me and will sacrifice me for the sake of their pretended normalcy.
I wish I could say it's shocking that your family found out and then chose to ignore it. It's all too common, as I've found out on this site. It is a horrible thing to have this in your family, and they have every reason to feel horribly ashamed. But one would hope that love for a child would outweigh every other consideration.
I hope you are working with a therapist. I believe that closure and healing are possible, though I am not there yet. But we need someone to witness and validate our experience.
When something horrible like this happens, it is more of a process of healing than just that one thing that can help you overcome the terrible event. healing takes time.
I also have a repressed memory. I went to a therapist 7 years ago and she saw that I was suffering from dissociation and recommended a 2nd EMDR therapist for post traumatic stress disorder. Thru EMDR, a memory of incest appeared. It sounds strange - and repressed memories are strange, but for just a moment - the memory was clear and I thought - I know that - that has been with me forever, like something sitting in my back pocket that I cannot see. But I was so afraid that the fear pushed it out of my memory again. Sort of like a dream that you remember briefly, but goes into hiding again.
I'm sorry to hear about the way your family handled it, but I agree with DW in that it is all to common. I wonder also what the abuser said - s(he) maybe have downplayed it. It's a horrible thing to happen to someone.
Trauma has this ability to make "fragments" out of the event. Meaning the storyline is disconnected from your feelings about the event. Therapy can help you connect those fragments. I hope this helps. This community is very supportive and helpful.
I had a nervous breakthrough at 36 years old and told my family everything. At first they seemed supportive but after speaking with the abuser they changed their tune. I was the crazy one and he was the victim. I don't speak with them anymore. It's too hard for me. I know the truth.
I don't know if we move on as much as learn to cope. There are lasting impacts from such a devastating trauma. I suffer from debilitating shame. In order to make the injustice palatable, I sometimes compare it to a car accident in which there were some lasting injuries that I must work around.
And I think this group is an important part of my healing too. I found friends here, a safe place to talk about this, and there was so much support here it made a tremendous difference to me during some of the roughest times of confronting what happened to me. I am not as active here as I was, but just knowing this forum exists is a comfort.
I hope the comments help you. I know I have learned a lot from so many here, and I keep coming back to continue to learn and grow.
I still haven't moved on, I started to deal with all my issues very recently and I'm still very young, I'm still figuring it out. but I am an optimistic person. I truly believe that I can move forward and so can you. I have told only a couple of friends so far and one of them made a joke and laughed about my experiences. In general I think the place that I can be most open about my experiences are on these online support groups and with very close friends whom I trust. I think it's a great thing that you joined this group, you can get the support that you need and I'm so sorry that anything like this happened to you at all. *hugs* I hope this answered some of your questions. Welcome to the group.