*Trigger Warning*

I do not think I will ever remember my age when my brother first assaulted me. He still thinks he only did it once, but I know that this is a lie. I try really hard to not think or look back on it, but it still affects me. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly feel comfortable around him, or be able to be happy for him, and for his life achievements. I feel it is not fair. He gets a free pass, while I live with this shame, guilt, rage, and fear. Everyday I fear for his daughter’s lives, hoping that they will not be subjected to the things he did to me. Deep down I want to trust my brother. I want to give him support. I want to love him, and I want to be in his life, but my anxiety floods in, and I am struck with fear, guilt, and anger. I hate that I want revenge, but isn’t it justice too? As a survivor, I just want my brother to accept every action he did to me, and to show that he truly is sorry. I don’t think I will ever be able to ask that of him, or have him admit that what he did to me happened more than once. It eats me up inside that I want vengeance for what he did, but I know, and I need to accept that this will not happen. This is a tough pill to swallow, and I will never be okay with it. 

I wish I could be your little sister and see you as a loving and caring big brother, but you betrayed that trust. All my life I pretended to be okay around you, but I can’t anymore. You were no longer my big brother when you decided to touch me and to use me at your disposal. Since being in therapy, I’ve regained a lot of feelings/emotions and memories of what happened between us, and although you do not want to acknowledge what you did to me, I will. 

I remember the setting, what was playing on tv, and hearing my other brother in the background. I remember it was on a weekend while mom and dad were out, and you were in charge. You sat yourself on daddy’s side of the couch with your big hefty dark blue comforter, sipping on a drink. You asked me to come over and to sit with you on the couch under the comforter. You were wearing a t-shirt and dark gym shorts, and I had a dress on. Spongebob was playing on the television and my other brother was across the room sitting on a recliner. He had no idea what was happening under the covers, but it wasn’t long until he took my hand and placed my hand/arm in his gym shorts. He left my hand there and I remember it was warm inside, and then he led my hand to his penis. He took his hand and placed it over mine where he wrapped my hand around his penis as he stroked it up and down. I had no idea what was happening, but I know I didn’t want this. I remember trying to get off of you and you didn’t let me go. I remember taking my hand away and you put my hand back on your penis. I felt so scared and I froze. His other hand was around me, where he used his other hand to spread my legs apart as one of his fingers lifted my panties, while the other one inserted itself in my vagina. Although I can not remember the pain,I knew I felt betrayed and used.  Once he released me, I remember either going back to my room or going to the bathroom where I went to go cry. After a few minutes passed, he  came to see me and told me to not say a word to anyone, or else; and if I tried to tell anyone, he  told me no one would believe me.

The second time it happened, I was in his room. Again, he used the same dark blue comforter and made me do the exact same things as before, but this time, he put me under his comforter and put his tongue down my throat. The door was cracked, he had video games playing in the background, and if I remember correctly, mommy and daddy were home. His tongue felt so big and slimy in my small mouth, while I cried and tried to push myself away from him. I remember someone coming in and he hid me under your comforter. I know he attempted to put his penis in my mouth while I was under the comforter, but I think I remember making a lot of noise and at that point he  let me go. I wanted to tell mommy and daddy but I was too afraid. I also remember being pushed into his closet when his friends came over to play video games. He also forced me to not move under his comforter in fear his friends would find out. Eventually, If I am not mistaken, I believe one of his friends saw me under his comforter and I left shortly after that. 

He may not remember doing this to me, but I do, and I know my memories and feelings are valid and that they are true. I am tired of him, his wife, and our parents not wanting to accept what he did. 

I know I love you in some sort of way, and truthfully I do not want any harm to come to you, your wife, or your children. However, I am still healing, and although I forgive you, I do not think I can stay in your life. Because if I do, I’ll have to keep pretending, I’ll have to hide my real emotions, and I’ll have to keep living a lie that you are my loving and caring big brother, and I’m your devoted and loving little sister.