Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I apologize ahead of time for this post wandering a bit.
There has been a theme in my life for the last several years since my husband died ( 8 years now) and the "happening" after. I won't go into that whole story but basically I got religion big time after my husband died and depending on a higher power to totally guide me. I ended up being "cat fished" in a big way. The catfish experience mirrored the abuse I grew up with.
This brings me to observations people , some of them friends, have made about me.
Just a month ago. "You are just a man" That was said when I explained I didn't like talking on the phone. I feel the phone is for basic exchange of info. I do not enjoy a long chit chat over the phone.
A few years ago after my husband passed and after the cat fishing episode: "You are like dating a 15 year old boy with boobs" In the same time frame a female friend told me I "think like a man" when it comes to dating.
I am the youngest of 6 kids. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister. My sister is transgendered. I always related to her as my sister even when I was very young. I didn't understand it but I just accepted her as my sister.
Most, not all, of the touches I received were abusive in some way. I didn't play too many girly games and do girly stuff. I shot guns, rode mini bikes, set rockets off, hiked through the woods and took most any dare that came my way.
Yesterday my tdoc said to me. something along the lines of : "I think you got that competiveness and I- can- do- it -myself- and- probably better- than -you attitude from growing up with boys.
I remember in my late teens and even a few years ago my sis and I discussing dating and she told me that maybe I should try looking a little vulnerable.
I really didn't know I come off as aggressive as I do ( apparently). I DO have a soft girly side but she is scared. I equate that with being a victim, with being vulnerable. That soft side wants to be taken care of, loved, cuddled but I can't imagine letting that happen. It would leave me weak. I find I sometimes get angry when I see girls and women in pretty summer dresses.
I am just depressed lately, really sad. I hurt. I feel discouraged and overwhelmed. I want to yell that I AM girly and feminine but that part of me is very special and delicate. I look girly. Fat but girly. I guess it is my personality that isn't very soft.
There has been a theme in my life for the last several years since my husband died ( 8 years now) and the "happening" after. I won't go into that whole story but basically I got religion big time after my husband died and depending on a higher power to totally guide me. I ended up being "cat fished" in a big way. The catfish experience mirrored the abuse I grew up with.
This brings me to observations people , some of them friends, have made about me.
Just a month ago. "You are just a man" That was said when I explained I didn't like talking on the phone. I feel the phone is for basic exchange of info. I do not enjoy a long chit chat over the phone.
A few years ago after my husband passed and after the cat fishing episode: "You are like dating a 15 year old boy with boobs" In the same time frame a female friend told me I "think like a man" when it comes to dating.
I am the youngest of 6 kids. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister. My sister is transgendered. I always related to her as my sister even when I was very young. I didn't understand it but I just accepted her as my sister.
Most, not all, of the touches I received were abusive in some way. I didn't play too many girly games and do girly stuff. I shot guns, rode mini bikes, set rockets off, hiked through the woods and took most any dare that came my way.
Yesterday my tdoc said to me. something along the lines of : "I think you got that competiveness and I- can- do- it -myself- and- probably better- than -you attitude from growing up with boys.
I remember in my late teens and even a few years ago my sis and I discussing dating and she told me that maybe I should try looking a little vulnerable.
I really didn't know I come off as aggressive as I do ( apparently). I DO have a soft girly side but she is scared. I equate that with being a victim, with being vulnerable. That soft side wants to be taken care of, loved, cuddled but I can't imagine letting that happen. It would leave me weak. I find I sometimes get angry when I see girls and women in pretty summer dresses.
I am just depressed lately, really sad. I hurt. I feel discouraged and overwhelmed. I want to yell that I AM girly and feminine but that part of me is very special and delicate. I look girly. Fat but girly. I guess it is my personality that isn't very soft.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I totally agree with your second from last para. It's how I have always felt.
I have no idea how to break through this, even if I want to.
Our protector's a boy, he would be totally weirded out if we were wearing "drag" in public.
We have slinky thigh-highs...but we'd NEVER put those on and go out.
I often feel I come across as harsher than I mean to. I had no siblings, but I was raised almost to a recipe to be the person my father had wanted to be in terms of ambitions. He really quite insulted my femininity as a young person, saying targeted things like, "It`s harder for you to progress because you're a girl," and getting annoyed when I did things like use makeup or seem concerned about my appearance in a female way.
Even my abusive husband would say, "You're like a man." He was probably a bit over the top about it because of actually wanting to piss me off with it, but part of me felt like snapping back, "Well, so would you be if you were made to feel like doing anything feminine was a crime!"
But yeah, I also feel like it became a bit of a shield for me as well. The tougher exterior that appeared to be able to cope with an impassive face was actually concealing a lot of emotion and trauma. I had just learned not to let it show because it wasn't safe and it would not be received well.
My father especially found emotional displays irritating and thought of them as evidence of "typical" female hysteria. So to "un-girl" myself, I had to become scarily like him. And he STILL wasn't happy!
Great post, thanks!
One time I had on green eye shadow (middle school) and during dinner my older sister, who considered herself the family beauty, told me maybe I could see better if I didn't have tat green goop on my eyes. She was looking to my dad to get on my case and he didn't. She was the worst about dictating that I should not be feminine.
At some point in therapy I realized where it came from and I saw other survivors dressing and acting in a way to hide femininity and I said screw that - I'm a woman and I'm going to enjoy it.