Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
When I wanted to die very much...I stayed alive because I had people who loved me and needed me.
I deliberately sought people out to need me. After all, I have no transcendent purpose to believe in. I'm still here because other people needed me to be here.
This is because I am far too disappointed with myself.
I feel like such an abject failure. I feel like a waste of oxygen and resources.
I feel shitty because I have to go through the government to get meds-on their own they'd cost half my income, and without them I almost asphyxiated in 2002.
...I can't fully support myself at age 40.
...I'm lazy, my brain is often fried such that I can't concentrate, I set things down then spend half an hour looking for them.
How do I actually love...THIS?
This dilapidated old body. This fried brain. This gigantic waste of potential?
I mean, come on! The abuse stopped when I was 8, and I'm fucking 40!
THIS...isn't satisfactory at all.
...If I say that it is I'm just excusing how badly I've messed things up.
I deliberately sought people out to need me. After all, I have no transcendent purpose to believe in. I'm still here because other people needed me to be here.
This is because I am far too disappointed with myself.
I feel like such an abject failure. I feel like a waste of oxygen and resources.
I feel shitty because I have to go through the government to get meds-on their own they'd cost half my income, and without them I almost asphyxiated in 2002.
...I can't fully support myself at age 40.
...I'm lazy, my brain is often fried such that I can't concentrate, I set things down then spend half an hour looking for them.
How do I actually love...THIS?
This dilapidated old body. This fried brain. This gigantic waste of potential?
I mean, come on! The abuse stopped when I was 8, and I'm fucking 40!
THIS...isn't satisfactory at all.
...If I say that it is I'm just excusing how badly I've messed things up.
I have been where you are and said some of the very same things to myself. As for an old dilapidated body, I'm 63 years old, have 2 amputations, heart disease, diabetes, kidney disease and PTSD among other things. Although I feel suicidal at times, that is a defense mechanism from childhood. I really don't want to die, I just want to stop the pain. If it were not for government insurance, my medications would cost more than my income. Since my wife passed away, I have lived alone and at times I feel very lonely too.
I also have many blessings, my friends here, my Al-anon friends, my dog and some very wonderful memories along with the horrible ones. I cannot say I love myself, but I no longer hate myself. The only thing that has helped me with that is by connecting with that spiritual part of me that was unaffected by the abuse and feeling the compassion there, especially for that hurt and abused little child that was me.
Remember, you are not alone and you do have friends here that care about you.