You haven't messed things up. You've done the best you could with what you were given. And, quite frankly--pardon my French--what you were given when you were a kid was pure shit. Abuse that stops at 8 is more than enough to mess with you for a long time. It is not your fault bad things were done to you. It is not your fault that you feel like you still have to fight to be here. Give yourself credit that you ARE fighting and that you ARE here. You have to start somewhere.

Your body and your mind are tired, but not broken. They work. You are very smart and have a great sense of humor. You are not a waste of potential. You are still here. You still have a chance.

You can see the fnords. It's pretty damn clear they're almost everywhere by now, right? And that's exhausting. There is not a part of your life left untouched by that crap, and that makes everything seem pointless. Trust me, I get it. But now you've got to start tracing them back to where they started, actually SEE the effects they've had on you. The fact that the abuse that stopped at 8 is still affecting you at 40 only seems ridiculous because your eyes are not open to what that abuse has really DONE. You have been brainwashed into thinking you are worthless, and it's not true. It's really not.

How do you love "THIS?" It's simple. You love it because it simply IS. You love it unconditionally--no ifs ands or buts--with no hidden agenda or subliminal messaging. That is the kind of love you deserved as a child, and that is the kind of love you were deprived of. It sucks you couldn't have it then, and I know how much it hurts, but YOU have to be the one to love yourself now. It starts with you, and it starts wherever you are.

The fnords are made up of lies and fears. They kept you alive once, but now it's time for them to go. Remember that. You can do this. You aren't alive just because other people needed you. That's what you ALLOWED yourself to think, because it was an "acceptable" reason; when you hate yourself, "because I'm not finished yet" is not an acceptable reason. But it's the real one.

Something inside of you still wants to be here, or else you wouldn't be here. You have a will to fight and live on. It's time to use it, Hylie. You can do this. Trust me. :)

Hi Hylie, definitely, everything she said. It's worth repeating that those words you are hearing about not being worth a shit, not deserving of the oxygen, taking too much room up, too much resources--these words are words you were taught so you keep saying them to yourself. If you think about it, they are clearly not true. Would you say that about someone else? What about a severely handicapped person? Are they a waste of oxygen etc because they take so much care? It's just not a question that makes sense. If you are a waste of oxygen then everyone and everything else is too, so what's the point? I don't have the answer to that question, but I do believe that you have a right and a domain to everything that you can see, to the horizon. You can breathe the air freely, eat the food that comes to you, step on the grass and listen to the birds. You deserve them. I can believe that it doesn't seem like you deserve the oxygen because I have been there too. But I am trying to see those words as lies, and my rightful place as a human as the truth. You have been loved and you will be again, and that's not just because of what you do, it's because of who you are.

It does seem to be the crux of it all.
I think that if I love myself, I could overcome anything.

I think because of all the programming, that I have to work on loving myself. Daily. Every day. Probably for the rest of my life.

Rather like brushing my teeth or talking a shower.

See, I loved myself at one point...and then my wife started telling me how I fell short of things. When I told her she was hurting me, she offered justifications and kept doing it.

So I started thinking I could not live without her, because I needed someone to take care of me...
This was something I was very susceptible to.
And it's really bizarre in retrospect, because I WAS THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAD A JOB! While she would deliberately get herself fired, then screw around until she was broke before going to go get another job...while I was flipping out and she didn't care.

And I thought I needed her???
....I mean, WTF...

But anyway...I have to fix this.
I have to love myself no matter what.

@ aikitsune, readingtreasure...Thank you. Thank you. What you said was beautiful.

40 is not old...............

I love you hylie. I don't know you personally but what I see in your posts shows me a very loveable, warm, intelligent, insightful person. You are also very fragile and vulnerable which you're not afraid to let show. You inspire me to allow my walls to crack and break down, and that is where healing lies.

Take care and look after your wonderful self because you are a wonderful person.

I'm 40 too. Just wondering how long you've been in treatment for the abuse? Your post made me feel like I'm not alone. I've never been married. No kids. The longest relationship(if u can call it that) was 2 years. I just learned of the abuse about a year ago. I go to therapy, EMDR, and lately outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I also take meds for OCD and depression. I'm also unemployed. Lately, I've just been getting through days one foot in front of the other. I hope the rest of my life isn't going to be like this. I mean, is it possible for me to be happy and actually enjoy life? My mom was my abuser and I want her to die. I feel like she's stolen my life up to this point. I hope ur doing better today hylierandom. Every once in awhile I'll have a good day too.

None of us are alone, at least not on this site. We have all experienced what you are talking about. At one time I was certain even 3rd world hunger must be my fault, even though rationally that could not be true. Depression is a horrible thing and that's when you tell yourself what a terrible disappointment you are. I used to cry in the bathroom every night (sometimes just because my husband didn't like what was dinner) because I was such a disappointment. Yes, my husband was toxic for me.
Even if med.'s are not easy to get, get to a doc. for the depression and get what you need for you.

hylierandom,

What is it going to take for you to learn to love yourself?
What is it going to take for you to challenge the negative self-talk?
What is it going to take for you to heal?

Ayn Rand said, "The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me."

-- I ask, who is going to stop you from healing? Who will stop you from refusing to be that "gigantic waste of potential" you see?

Who?

Easy journey? No.
Possible? Yes.
But, I believe you know that, so what is it going to take?

xx
SuzA

I agree with unomas, 40 is not old...I was 40 when I started this journey. Barring physical challenges, age is as relevant as we choose to make it.

I...have been making progress on this.

I've figured out failing to love myself? it makes me a lot weaker. Failure to love myself is VERY corrosive.

if I love and accept myself, it's like inflating a tire.

Conversely, to criticize myself harshly?
It's like deflating that same tire.

Our abusers wanted us deflated, defenseless, they caused that deliberately for various reasons.

...So, yeah, loving myself is still an effort, but I'm worth it.

I definitely hate myself a large majority of the time and feel like a miserable failure much of the time as well. I feel like, by now, I should have accomplished more with my life and I am constantly comparing myself to other people my age or younger and beating myself up because they have done more, are more successful, have better lives, etc... but their life journeys haven't been the same as mine, and there is no "this is what you should be and have done by this age" rules and guidebook for life. it's different for everyone. a lot of us wander, it doesn't mean we are wastes or useless, it means our goals are different and what we are here to experience from life is different than those with 2.5 kids and a house in the burbs. we all have different motivations and inspirations, and you have to find yours. whether you find it at 20 or at 60 doesn't matter.
when I am feeling hateful toward myself and like my life isn't worth living, I like to try to step outside of myself and see the "big picture". see that life really isn't about me and the miserable tragedies I've experienced and the pain I am in. try to find something bigger than yourself to find peace and comfort in. stand next to the ocean, mountains, a huge, open field, or under a massive starlit sky and feel your troubles and yourself shrink.
your potential is limitless, it's only your own fear and doubt which limit you. it's never too late, and you're never too old, or too messed up.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Your comments on this site help me so much. I wish I could tell you a magic cure that would make self hate go away. I have it so much of the time and it is so crippling when you are in the middle of it. Please know you are not alone in feeling this way. I have to believe it can get better-with a lot of hard work.

hylierandom,

You are totally worth it. Period.

xx
SuzA

AWW :)
Thanks, Suz.

I don't intend to devalue your feelings or sound flippant about what you are going through - but it always has struck me that self-loathing, self-blame and self- hatred are about as common as teeth and hair among many survivors - many either have them, had them or may develop them yet.
I have always felt that there was some over-arching, larger drive here. Something that is inherent in the abuse that triggers this so highly in so many survivors; to be honest, as much as I hated this phenom in my own life, I was also intrigued by it. And I still hear that over and over in many of these posts. People who INHERENTLY KNOW the abuse was not their fault. People who KNOW they deserve to feel love - but still this phantom of vitriolic self-belief hangs over them.
As such, I looked online and found some interesting sites pertaining to self-hatred as it pertains to incest/sexual abuse survivors. I love this quote that I lifted-
" it is my very hatred and dislike of what was done to me against my will that is real proof that I am not bad... for if I was truly bad, then I would not hate what was done nor would I abhor it or feel sick inside everytime I remember it and relive it..."
that is from this site: http://www.nemasys.com/ghostwolf/Reflections/Writings/methodshate.shtml
It has some "triggery" stuff in it, but it well worth the read. Does that statement NOT make total sense?
And then there is this-
"Children that are treated with hatred internalize that hatred........With each violent assault, abusive parents spoke hatred to their children. Even if the words I hate you were never said, it was understood clearly enough by the children. In order for their loved ones to purposefully cause so much hurt and harm to them, their parents must have hated them.......Children tend to internalize that hatred as if they deserved it. They decide that they must be bad, they must be worthless, they must need to be punished, they must need to be abused because of their badness..........The more the children are treated with hatred, the more the children hate themselves.They may learn to hate the parents / abusers eventually, but their first response was learning to hate and despise themselves." -- and on and on - this is a GOOD article from the following site:
http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/being-hated-feeling-hated-overcoming-self-hatred/
I hope some of this helps - I really like the approach and how as children we absorb things through the eyes and mind of a child. I have found that with me, initially I did not think that shamefully of what was happening to me - Why would I? I had NO point of relevance for the shame and guilt. Then I grew up and started understanding the socially accepted views of shame and blame and hatred - It was only when, as a young adult I looked back at me as a child that I started feeling these negative emotions related to the acts. Until then, I did not understand them, although many were painful so I knew I was being hurt in some way, but I was not ashamed and did not hate myself until I was taught to do so.
I hope some of this makes sense. It helped me a lot,
All my best as usual - don't care to offer less!
Refuse2quit

Hi Hylierandom,

I found I could only start work on myself when I became awre of the different dissociative parts in me , how by avoiding them, I had deprived myself of the chance of really going forward and healing.

Intellectually, I could rationalise that i was not guilty of what had happened to me, that I was lovable.I was convinced I had worked through all that in therapy.

And yet, there was this whole "untouched" world of dissociative parts that was in the shadow,undermining all my conscious efforts in therapy.
When these parts finally came forward, I could not believe the violence, hatred, contained in them after such a long time of being unheard and "stuck" in their PTSD of the abuse.

I discovered a whole system of mechanism of defense that a poor child had had to develop to survive on her own, with her own mimicking of sadistic abusers, childish portrayal of demons and terrifying monsters etc...

I above all discovered that there was a lot of energy liberated with tackling with that issue, a true elixir of youth and love.

Do not be afraid to explore that world.
The book "Coping with trauma related Dissociation, skills training for patients and therapists," has been great help.