Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I feel like therapy is a double-edged sword. Damned if I go, damned if I don't go. I just feel like everything is such an uphill battle that is easier to quit, and suffer alone than to go to therapy and put someone under a spotlight to care about me and what I am going through and to somehow help me feel better when others (including myself) have tried and failed.
On my way to therapy, I feel incredibly triggered. I want to run, I try to talk myself out of going. To call and cancel, but I force myself into the door and see the therapist. When I am with the therapist, my panic diminishes and I am mostly fine. My feelings become muted somehow. I falsely think, "I am cured!" BUT as soon as I walk out the door, it is as if I feel everything tenfold. It is staggering how the intensity of my feeling swing from one extreme to the other, and how insignificant a catalyst can be that will set me off.
After therapy, my mind is like a livewire and it repeats every single moment of the session. Like a dissociation feeling, as If I am watching someone else's therapy session for the first time. I find some fault with something that is said. I beat myself up over something I said, that I didn't explain right or I become enraged by something that the therapist said... especially if it is true! I never take it out on the therapist. if they ask me, how have you felt after our last session, I minimize my feelings. I might say, "I was a little upset after our last session" even thought I might have been so anxious and angry that I barely slept the past week (because of anxiety, vivid dreams, etc.).
I've tried different therapists... but the fault is with me. I don't want to sound as if I am making an excuse, but I can't stop feeling as if my story is a burden to the therapist. My brain actively tries to talk me into not going to therapy because I really believe that listening to my story is a punishment because I am making them as uncomfortable during the session as I feel after the session. Eventually, I get tired of the constant tug of war inside my head between sessions and I quit going. Therapy seems to stir up the crazy inside my head, not settle it down.
Anyone else feel like this?
On my way to therapy, I feel incredibly triggered. I want to run, I try to talk myself out of going. To call and cancel, but I force myself into the door and see the therapist. When I am with the therapist, my panic diminishes and I am mostly fine. My feelings become muted somehow. I falsely think, "I am cured!" BUT as soon as I walk out the door, it is as if I feel everything tenfold. It is staggering how the intensity of my feeling swing from one extreme to the other, and how insignificant a catalyst can be that will set me off.
After therapy, my mind is like a livewire and it repeats every single moment of the session. Like a dissociation feeling, as If I am watching someone else's therapy session for the first time. I find some fault with something that is said. I beat myself up over something I said, that I didn't explain right or I become enraged by something that the therapist said... especially if it is true! I never take it out on the therapist. if they ask me, how have you felt after our last session, I minimize my feelings. I might say, "I was a little upset after our last session" even thought I might have been so anxious and angry that I barely slept the past week (because of anxiety, vivid dreams, etc.).
I've tried different therapists... but the fault is with me. I don't want to sound as if I am making an excuse, but I can't stop feeling as if my story is a burden to the therapist. My brain actively tries to talk me into not going to therapy because I really believe that listening to my story is a punishment because I am making them as uncomfortable during the session as I feel after the session. Eventually, I get tired of the constant tug of war inside my head between sessions and I quit going. Therapy seems to stir up the crazy inside my head, not settle it down.
Anyone else feel like this?
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
...But I suggest reality checking, in this case. Ask the therapist.
...You might think about doing some cognitive-behavioral therapy along with the work on the past, or dialectical-behavioral therapy; both work in the here and now.
This would mean you would likely just focus PART of each session on the past, while working to improve present-day coping.
It sounds to me like you have two opposing voices inside you - one that wants to get better and wants to face the past, and one that thinks you do not deserve to get better. One is the real you, the other was put there by the way you were treated.
You are absolutely not punishing your therapist by telling your story - they are paid and trained to listen. They can't help you unless you tell them your story. It is not a burden, it is their job.
Please pluck up the courage to confront these feelings and discuss them with your therapist, because these feelings are self sabotage, they are blocking you getting the help you need and deserve.
You say you get a dissociated feeling looking back on your sessions. I think the more you talk about all these things with the therapist - all the things you mentioned in your post - the better it will be for you. Dissociated means you have divided your consciousness. The part of you that is talking in the session is a little different than the part that is having feelings before and after. The goal is to bring them together into one consciousness, right? So talking about all those feelings with the therapist will help bring the two parts together. It's 100% legit and necessary to talk with your therapist about your feelings about the therapy itself as much as anything that went on outside or in the past.
At least for me it has taken a long time to face those feelings and own them and to believe I have a right to them, but I know that is the only I'm going to heal. Stay strong.
IMO, projection--which you are doing when you "...can't stop feeling as if /your/ story is a burden to the therapist"--is a defense. And this defense will keep you victim forever.
People become therapists for various reasons: some because they want to help, some because they see it as a viable job, some because they are trying to heal themselves, some because they don't know what else to do, etc., etc.
Find the therapist--if you haven't already--who wants to help out of love for others and of the profession. To this therapist your story is not a burden but an opportunity to help you find yourself.
It's important to let your current therapist know what's going on for you and how the constant "...tug of war inside /your/ head between sessions..." eventually leads to you quitting.
The healing journey is hard, sbskeeper, but quitting because you think you're story is punishing those trained to listen and help is both a defense and self-sabotage.
I seldom ever wanted to go see my therapist but I was willing to. Just be willing to receive the help of a therapist you feel is right for you--a therapist you trust and one who is trained to work with survivors.
Do not let the distorted perception of being a burden distort the rest of your life.
xx
SuzA
We learned we had no say. That what we said didn't matter anyway.
Now it does. Now we can speak up. Now our opinion will be respected and we will be heard and that is INCREDIBLY empowering.
My plan is to tell my massage therapist I will work on speaking up but for now - don't work deep. I can tell her that before the session but don't feel I'm quite at the point where I can speak up during the session yet.
You can also write up your feelings in a journal or a letter and read it or give the letter to the therapist.
However you can find your voice, to whatever extent you can, its a good thing. It's been an important part of my healing and helped me feel better by leaps and bounds.