When I was 9 I moved to where I live now. I became good friends with my cousin, he had no friends either so we were each other's only friends. After a few weeks actually he started touching me. I told him, a teacher, and my mom that I was uncomfortable with him touching me. They made us stay seperated, but we were each others only friends so I still talked to him. He managed to convince me that its what friends do so we started hanging out again. For 8 YEARS he molested me, and in PUBLIC!!! No one ever did anything to him, never told him to stop. After about a year of it though he told me he was gay, and he started touching me in more personal areas. He was touching me in school, in the middle of class, I would tell him to stop and he would say "oh come on you know you like it". He did this to me for 8 years. I started with depression, trying to kill myself everyday and not knowing why I was so depressed except for how things were going at home. So I would escape home, and go to his house, where at points I swear he was about to rape me. Last year we grew apart, he took my friends from me, and dumped me off. I watch him with his friends and he doesnt DARE to touch them. I want to know why. I want to know why in the fuck he could touch me in public, but he doesnt even dare to touch them?? Not only that but when we were friends I would dream to have someone rape me. I REALLY wanted someone to rape me, like Im being molested its like its leading to something thats not going to happen, Im not really sure how to explain it. Kind of like "Just go ahead and fucking do it already, enough of the foreplay" type thing or does that not make any sense?

Ok my other problem is, I think its time I told someone, but I feel uncomfortable talking about personal things with anyone (except online) I have a counsilor and she doesnt know. My mom doesnt know, the only person who does is my friend Courtney, but she cant really help. I want to confront him again, and I want to tell someone. I even am having urges to make a video and post it on youtube I want to get it out there, to tell people when you see someone being touched innappropriately DO SOMETHING!!! To save someone else from having to go through what I did. I dont know if I should say anything or even how I should start??

This situation is so bad, that I had a problem with personal things about a month or two ago. I had to go to the doctor and she wanted to do a PAP test. She left the room so I can get undressed and I freaked out. I didnt move from my seat I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. They asked me if Im hiding something, or if I did something. No....but then she said could it be that Im ashamed of my body...so I figured thats probably the problem but now that I think about it I think its because I was molested so long I cant have anyone touch me. How am I supposed to do in relationships if I cant let anyone touch me??