You're not sick, disgusting or worthless, but you have been deeply hurt and affected by what was done to you.

You are normal - normal for you and what you have lived through. There is no generic normal for you to compare yourself to - everyone's 'normal' is different because everyone is different and everyone's life is different.

If you think you are getting better then you probably are, but this process is notorious for it's 3 steps forward, 2 steps back progress. Hang in there and cut yourself some slack.

Instead of judging yourself, do something nice for yourself. Give yourself a treat - you deserve it for what you went through.

flowergurl:
You are wounded, hurt and highly valuable - the scars just won't let you feel good about yourself right now. I think many survivors can relate to what you are talking about and many of us have had the same "self-hate" that you are describing. That is one thing I hate about being abused - often. after the abuse is over, we have learned to abuse ourselves.
I agree with breakingtheshell - "normal" is a fantasy that really does not exist. The idea of "normal" is based on your society, environment, friends, family, television ads, etc.....there is no such thing as a "normal" human being as we are all so very different. But, you are "natural" in your response to your past abuse - it is very natural for some survivors to feel attracted to the sexual acts that were perpetrated on them, especially if these acts occurred as the first sexual experience they had - that sort of "imprint" on our psyche sometimes and, when we get older we start judging ourselves based on some stupid idea that there is normal people and then there are people like us.
You are not alone, not are you forever 'stuck" in the way you are - we all evolve and change - that is life and growth. In time, I hope you can accept and love yourself as your are - thorns and all. Until that happens it is really hard to make changes in your thinking.
All my best-
Refuse2quit

Everything the others wrote is true ... For so many years I was ashamed of my secret sickness. I felt and feel SO much better since coming to DS and hearing from SO many people that it is normal and maybe inevitable for those of us who have been abused to have our sexuality deeply imprinted by the abuse. And it does evolve over time, but either way, it is a 100% normal response to the situation.

I feel the same way. I will tell you or post this weekend. One thing I do know..I care from the heart about people.

This is due to injury. You are worthy and you are not disgusting at all. Please be gentle to yourself, you have been hurt enough.

I see nothing sick, disgusting or worthless about you in any way whatsoever.
Your body reacted to the stimulation as it was designed to do (oblivious to the fact it happened during a traumatic time) Add that this happened during traumatic times, the mind "learns" to associated that pleasure with that trauma. Basically being conditioned.
An example I have, since I was suffocated so often, I learned to enjoy it, it became peaceful to me.With a lung issue I have now, i often struggle for breath, but were most people would heading to the hospital, I simply become feeling peaceful, since, I've been "conditioned" too.
You just have to "retrain the brain" to associate pleasure with loving times instead of traumatic times. This doesn't happen over night and takes time to do. Just do your best to understand and accept that you have been conditioned, then you open the door to whatever changes in your life you feel you need to do, since it's us who have to be at peace with ourselves and no one else.
Be kind to yourself, since YOU ARE a truly wonderful person!! :)
Blaine

you are a survivor and not sick, disgusting or worthless. Healing is a process and it is like a roller coaster with all the ups and downs that go with it. The trick is to know the ride will end and you will feel better.
as hard as this stuff is - it really does get better.

thank you

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

You are not disgusting, sick and far from worthless. You are a survivor, and we are all different, we all have our normal. You have gone through tremendous pain, trauma and you are a survivor! Nothing you do is sick, you are healing and on the way to so much more strength!!!!
Hang in there :)

I blew a fuse the other day. I appreciate the support. I'm sorry.

No need to be sorry, we all struggle here.

Every time it think I'm over everything I fall back into my hole. I don't want to be like this forever. I know I will never find a man that accepts what I've done.

Depressing.

Ok.
-looks embarrassed-
I'll confess. I have used my abuse as fantasy material. A lot.
It's somewhat icky to me that,well, I desired to do that. But I did desire to.
I've moved through wanting or needing to do that. Now I think of one of the two people I'm in love with when flying solo. That feels a lot cleaner.
I suspect you will find that this is a phase for you as well, and you will eventually be able to imagine more congenial lovers for yourself when alone

The abuse ,as well as the aftereffects, are not your fault.

And you will find someone who can embrace you for the lovely person you are, traumatic past and all.

I can't add anything new. I just want to be one more voice assuring you that you are absolutely are not sick, disgusting or worthless.

If you're thinking you're getting better....the chances are you probably are. The belief that you are normal is correct and a healthy belief. If you're belief is that because you're finding you need to think about the rapes in order to orgasm makes you "abnormal", sick and the other harsh words you used, then you need to know the truth and the truth is it means none of those things. You along with countless others have this reaction to what happened.

Recovery and healing is a process, please accept yourself where you are and stop judging yourself. I get you can't make sense of it and you "think" it shouldn't be happening and you shouldn't need to do that but many have gone through the same and sadly most like you had the same thoughts and they were wrongs as well. I promise you just because this is where you are today certainly doesn't mean it will always be so. As you proceed through recovery and part of recovery is learning to accept yourself as you grow, you'll find with time and gaining knowledge including why this is true for you right now, it will begin to change. Right now the greatest harm is what you're doing to yourself. Many survivors find themselves becoming aroused when thinking or reading about abuse or rape. You are far from alone.

I'd say it might help in addition to showing the courage to talk about it as you've done here, is to do some research on the issue. You'll find what you're judging yourself so harshly for is pretty common and doesn't mean any of the things you're thinking about yourself.

One more thing...I hadn't seen reply 11 when I wrote my reply. I don't know whether you're in therapy or not but if not please consider it if at all possible. It's very clear the things that have been done to you have caused you to be extremely self judgmental...any man worthy of you certainly won't be judging you, they will love and patience nurture and support you as you work through these issues.

This isn't about what "you've" done it's about what was done to you and the effects that's had you...stop blaming yourself.