Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi. I wanted people's opinions on something that happened when i was 19. I'm asking because I am not sure what I should be feeling in relation to my brother, and I still feel affected somehow. At 19,I was living with and looking after an abusive, alcoholic, disabled father. My brother (22) came to visit with his new wife. I thought 'beauty, someone cares.'
My brother took me for a drive, parked the car. he took me in his arms, then tried to tongue kiss me. I pulled away, and felt small and confused - I'd been raped and sexually abused as a little one within my family.
My brother said it was OK, I just felt so confused. He tried again, I pulled away again, and he drove me home.
This was shock on shock. I felt I could no longer trust anyone - it seems so minor! and yet, I was deeply affected. He'd crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Years later, I am having a mental breakdown, and am extremely traumatised (from multiple sources). At this time, for a decade, i avoided my brother, as the kissing thing was such a huge deal to me. Since then I've been in touch with him, but I think I'm kidding myself. I've never mentioned the episode at 19 to him, it seems too hard. He might not even remember it, because he was drunk.
I have had many dreams where he incests me. The one I had last night was where I finally spoke up and told others in the family. to reduce his power over me.
Anyway, I just think it was such a small act - but i've told others who minimise that it's ALL sexual. I just felt like a bit of reassurance, or feedback. If the truth be known, my brother makes me sick.
My brother took me for a drive, parked the car. he took me in his arms, then tried to tongue kiss me. I pulled away, and felt small and confused - I'd been raped and sexually abused as a little one within my family.
My brother said it was OK, I just felt so confused. He tried again, I pulled away again, and he drove me home.
This was shock on shock. I felt I could no longer trust anyone - it seems so minor! and yet, I was deeply affected. He'd crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Years later, I am having a mental breakdown, and am extremely traumatised (from multiple sources). At this time, for a decade, i avoided my brother, as the kissing thing was such a huge deal to me. Since then I've been in touch with him, but I think I'm kidding myself. I've never mentioned the episode at 19 to him, it seems too hard. He might not even remember it, because he was drunk.
I have had many dreams where he incests me. The one I had last night was where I finally spoke up and told others in the family. to reduce his power over me.
Anyway, I just think it was such a small act - but i've told others who minimise that it's ALL sexual. I just felt like a bit of reassurance, or feedback. If the truth be known, my brother makes me sick.
Having said that, in my view, what your brother crossed all your boundaries.
It might be minor if:
-he wasn't your brother and
-he wasn't old enough to know better and
-after you'd pushed him away he'd said 'sorry' instead of trying to convince you to go against your wishes and
-he hadn't tried again and
-you hadn't already got a history of abuse and rape (and so were sensitive to what could happen)
If I had him as a brother it'd make me sick.
You have the right to deal with this however is best for you. Whether or not he remembers, I suspect any confrontation will meet with a denial, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it if that's what you need to do.
My brother molested me when he was drunk. He's my younger brother, though, so I've always skimmed over it (I don't remember it, but I remember it happening). I kept in touch with my brother for years, denying what had happened to myself. I still struggle with it today.
I have cut off communication with my brother for other reasons recently (he didn't want to be supportive of my therapy and healing and I suspect part of that is because he doesn't want me to remember the incestuous incident with him) but regardless, I am better for it.
I think your brother definitely crossed a boundary that was twisted, drunk or not. Just like my brother. There are some lines that just should never be crossed and that's one of them. Even drunk people know this.
No wonder you were confused!! Firstly, he was married. Secondly, he is your brother. Thirdly, he betrayed trust and power. It's hard to explain the adoration younger siblings have for older siblings unless you are one of them.
I don't think it's minor at all. Maybe I could consider it minor if he'd come to you later in life and was apologetic and asking for forgiveness but I'm getting the impression it's typical incest behavior - brushed under the carpet and never spoken of.
It's normal to minimize. My brother did more than kiss me and I minimize it still. Although he makes me sick and almost always has, I still felt like he had this magical power over me. Confusing is right!
It's something that really really disturbs you, to the point nightmares, almost 20 years after.
He should apologize deeply and sincerely, and if he won't do that...I think were it me I'd cut contact.
They are both a serious betrayal of a trust that should be there between family members..
I hope that your able to turn your no-send letter into one that is sent through the validation of others here. You would send it to that sick twisted B@#$% and share with him the pain he caused deep in your heart and the ramifications it had on your life, because those events shape us or shape shift us. I hope that with everything in our being you get the validation, empowerment and feeling of POWER through the sending of this letter to your bro. Remember that sometimes the abuser takes the convenient role of "forgetting" and then there are others like my father who say it was my fault. Don't fall into either camp, walk forward in your healing the amazingly strong, beautiful woman you are today, not the kid you were then.
No amount abuse put on you is minor PERIOD! If a person perceives it as abuse and an unwanted advances, then damn it all that is major in my book! The fact that it's your Bro adds a whole new element of confusion and broken trust.
YOUR HISTORY OF ABUSE HAS NO BEARING ON WHETHER THIS IS MINOR OR NOT. So because I was abused every which way but Sunday, anyone can tongue kiss me? A RESOUNDING NO! His drunkenness is NO EXCUSE!
Lots of supportive loving hugs your way.
~K
Lots of love in that journey,
~K
I feel so angry and aggressive towards your brother. What a first class C***.
I really hope you are going to send that letter to him, not just read it to your therapist, although that's also a really cool thing to do.
How you managed to do that without any anger involved is a bloody mystery to me. I'd feel absolutely murderous.
massive (((((((((((Hug)))))))))))) and hope you feel better today.