You did what was natural to most kids under abuse. You dissociated to survive. You do have a right to know and if you are brave the pieces will fall into place for you over time. It may take years and if you are around those who abused you or just let it happen it will be harder for those pieces to come together. That's really sick your uncle. Your brave to talk about it. You did what most people are too scared to even consider...talking and remembering so congrats on that. So sorry for what you went through.

I also do not remember the abuse in my past, though I have a great many reasons to believe it took place.

I believe the reason we don't remember is that the feelings are too overwhelming to contain. We probably checked out mentally at the time, which is why we forgot, and we still don't feel strong enough to bear the feelings that go with the memories.

I am working with a therapist who is trying to help me approach the feelings in a way that will not be overwhelming. I am also working on building a relationship with my inner child (or children) to win their trust so they will share with me what happened. But it also helps to think in terms of an inner child and an adult self so I don't "fall into" the feelings I had then and get lost in overwhelming emotions that probably include a strong desire to die.

I hope you are working with a therapist on this. It is powerful stuff and not something you should have to face on your own.

I would ask if you remember losing your virginity later on: I would expect you to remember losing your virginity so if you can remember losing it later that's one thing you can tick off your list.

Where did you hear the story about grandma walking in on you?

See, there's 2 reasons to not remember something. 1 is the glamourous one - it's too awful to face. But no. 2 is that it was not emotionally important to you. And there's always that danger.

My philosophy on life, which has been through the mill a bit in the last 5 years, is that what you don't know can't hurt you. And that's pretty much it. I think these men are roosters, with about as much brain and certainly as much conscience. They rationalise, they justify, but basically they are merely inadequate, and not worth too much upset.

It's a lesson that someone who is merely inadequate can cause remarkable misery, that someone who is inferior can hold power on a child. These are lessons I take on board and I do my best not to bully or cause harm in my own life, and that helps me to say that I do not regret anything that has happened to me.

But I admit I'm sort of out the other side of all this, and no longer hurt. I do think it unfolds naturally, I don't think you can push it. I suppose you could try hypnotherapy but you want memories that you have to be real memories, not fabricated, so the best, and wisest course of action I think is to leave it well alone and see what comes out naturally over time.

Some things can't be pushed. They have some kind of magical sphincter. :D You have to take the pressure off, before anything will come out.

With me, I was molested at a family picnic. I can tell you everything about that day. Which cousins were with me, we had just came out if the woods after playing in there, I can tell you what day, month, day of the week it was. I can tell you what he did to me, even what he said to me... But I can't tell you who it was. I've had dreams of that day, and I've grabbed his arm... When I look up to see who it was I either wake up before seeing him, or all I can see is a morph face... A no face. Kinda strange but I guess my brain isn't ready to reveal who it was. Which is totally fine. I'm not sure I really want to know.

Oh, sorry... I was 5 when this happened..

After a bit I totally forgot about it, and didn't remember until I was in my late 20's going through intense therapy. I wrote down a story about something that happened when I was a kid. When I gave it to the therapist, he read it and asked if I was molested as a kid. I said no, then he ask more questions, I started to cry hard. It took a while and I had a dream about it. I told him about my dream, he reminded me of my journal entry and I lost it. I couldn't even walk, I froze.
EVERYTHING came flooding back.
My childhood started to make sence since then.

I'm sorry, I write so much.. I do that sadly sometimes. :(
Sorry


You are not alone.

Also, our bodies are built to respond to touch... Our bodies don't know if the touch is good or bad, that comes from our brain.
Even at 5 yrs old, my body responded to him molesting me. That's probably where I learned about touching myself felt good... My body didn't know if it was good or not, it just responded.
It took me a long time to learn that I couldn't control my body...

Kinda like when boys start puberty, they get erections all the time, it seems like at the totally wrong times... They can't stop the erections from happening, it just happens.
I'm sorry you went through that, it's not fair when others steal stuff from us, especially when it's our bodies...
I'm really sorry... Gentle hug?

Hang in there, you are stronger than you think! I promise that you are!!


(Yes, sorry about being so long.... Again. )

Thanks for all of the responses. I do not go to therapy anymore. I went to a therapist for 3 years and have been doing quite well, but these things have recently really bothered me. It's been maybe 2 years since I stopped going. I have been coping well, but every now and then I get really depressed and think about it obsessively. Usually it only lasts for about a week. This time it has been longer than a week that I started thinking about it, but I haven't necessarily gotten really depressed or anything unlike how I used to get.

My mom told me that about my grandma maybe 2 years ago or so. I am 99% sure she wouldn't lie about that either. My grandma apparently admitted it to the detective when they interviewed her right before the trials. This is how my mom found out herself. When my mom told me she had actually assumed that I knew because I was there, but I do not remember it at all.

As far as losing my virginity goes I do not know when I lost it. When I first started having sex it hurt really bad, but that is because my body kept tensing up and I couldn't relax my muscles. I think due to the PTSD. I had to actually train my body to let go and relax so that I could be intimate with my husband. Thankfully he was very patient and understanding. So I really have no idea when I actually lost my virginity.

@notalone00 no need to apologize for writing too much. I appreciate it greatly. It is good to talk. :)

Bother, that puts you back where you started doesn't it. Oh the mysteries of our brains. I think everything that has happened to us is in there somewhere, but sometimes having it come back takes its own course. I'm really glad to hear you have a supportive husband. :)

Iv had abusers say exactly what bridge 101 was saying they said it to me because they did not want me to remember they were part of my abuse. What a hard thing that was to realise. He or she triggered me bad but you know what...the truth will set you free. It will keep you safe.

Saying you might not remember being sexually abused because it didn't have any impact on you sounds great - except that being sexually abused DOES have an impact on us, unfortunately - a huge impact.

It sounds like you might have more things you need to go back and heal, and you may want to go back to therapy at some point. I don't know if this is the time or not, given that you are very young and may be more interested in looking forward than in looking back. But based on my own experience I think it would be a good idea to try to deal with these things before you have kids. Having children can trigger a lot of old stuff without you even knowing - such was my experience, unfortunately. You will able to be a better parent if you are able to heal these childhood traumas before you have kids of your own.

I think you might have misunderstood me, and I might have been wrong in my understanding. I said if you didn't remember something there are 2 logical possibilities that have to be eliminated. 1 is that it is too traumatic. the other is that it was not traumatic.

I say that because the bits the OP does remember may well be the traumatic ones. And so the ones she doesn't remember may be more of the same. IE not memorable.

You have to investigate all options before you start world war 3. When you are in court, in the dock, you do not want anyone to undermine you. And that means you have to investigate all possibilities.

My experiences of remembering are that they come when they are ready. I am not an abuser saying that: I am telling about my life. I don't know how to force a memory. I suggest counselling and hypnotherapy but hyponotherapy runs the risk of false memories, made very famous over the world. And if you want guaranteed memories that you can build upon, you need to know what they are.

Urinary tract infections are a big red flag in girls.

I had those, mom could not figure out why they would not clear...
I was repressing what was happening every night to cause the UTI's.

Remembering comes with all the canned feelings attached, usually.
That can be very hard.