Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
What does this mean to you? Quote is from an email in reference to my abuser.
Grandma says, "her brother told me his parents treat him differently because of what he did to his sister as a kid. He feels guilty abd deeply regrets what he has done."
Fact one. Only my brother could twist rape around and sell the idea that he is a victim to my grandma. He'll never admit what he did to me to my face but he'll use whatever he can to take advantage of my grandma. I think my brother is a sociopath.
Fact two. My mom keeps gossiping with several family members about my brother raping me. I guess digging up my pain on a regular basis is fun.
Fact three. I should feel shame horror fear disgust about everyone knowing. I feel nothing. Maybe some relief that my little brother was not abused. Also feeling lots of sarcasm.
Fact four. My husband wants me to freak out cussing everyone. I feel no anger. He wants me to cause a confrontation I don't know how I feel. I just feel like my grandma and brothers actions are typical. Years ago I would be broken down crying holed up in my room. Now... I just want to roll my eyes.
Is this a sign of healing that I don't want to be petty? Am I a coward as my husband thinks because I dont want a confrontation? Its not that i am avoiding it I just dont see what it would accomplish. My pain is out in the open. Thanks to my mom everyone knows.
At the end of the day I was still raped. My grandma will support my brother. My mom will gossip about it. We went my whole life not talking about rape. I dont see why now after all these years now people care. Its funny but not at the same time.
Grandma says, "her brother told me his parents treat him differently because of what he did to his sister as a kid. He feels guilty abd deeply regrets what he has done."
Fact one. Only my brother could twist rape around and sell the idea that he is a victim to my grandma. He'll never admit what he did to me to my face but he'll use whatever he can to take advantage of my grandma. I think my brother is a sociopath.
Fact two. My mom keeps gossiping with several family members about my brother raping me. I guess digging up my pain on a regular basis is fun.
Fact three. I should feel shame horror fear disgust about everyone knowing. I feel nothing. Maybe some relief that my little brother was not abused. Also feeling lots of sarcasm.
Fact four. My husband wants me to freak out cussing everyone. I feel no anger. He wants me to cause a confrontation I don't know how I feel. I just feel like my grandma and brothers actions are typical. Years ago I would be broken down crying holed up in my room. Now... I just want to roll my eyes.
Is this a sign of healing that I don't want to be petty? Am I a coward as my husband thinks because I dont want a confrontation? Its not that i am avoiding it I just dont see what it would accomplish. My pain is out in the open. Thanks to my mom everyone knows.
At the end of the day I was still raped. My grandma will support my brother. My mom will gossip about it. We went my whole life not talking about rape. I dont see why now after all these years now people care. Its funny but not at the same time.
I think detachment probably is the best response.
In fact...what positives do you get from your family to compensate for being exposed to this?
Nowhere does it say you must maintain involvement with them, so if you choose to continue being involved with them, do it on terms favorable to you.
If you feel you must keep contact with these people who hurt you, do it on your terms.
You said 'I should feel shame horror fear disgust about everyone knowing.'
I disagree. Why should you feel shame, horror, fear and disgust ? You did nothing wrong. If anyone is to feel those things it is your brother when (if) he recognises what he did.
To me it sounds as if you have many many emotions blocked within you. If you do they will come out when you are ready and able to let them.
You sound like a strong person who will heal in your own way. Best of luck!
As far as relatives - they will choose and decide how they can best deal with such news - it sounds like some of your relatives have very hurtful ways of dealing with it - but you seem to be above their judgments and choices - that shows how empowered you have become over these petty people.
You may want to ask your husband to get educated about how survivors survive. There are some good handbooks that can assist him with understanding that only YOU can make decisions as to how to deal with this. If he needs to curse at someone, then so be it, but you may explain to him that if he tells you how to act, then he is trying to take power over you - and that is somewhat abusive in itself, no matter what his intent.
I wish you all the best - you have risen above the fray and sounds like you are bent on being a better person than them.
By the way - Eye rolls are a great way to say "I couldn't care less what you think"!!!
All my best -
Refuse2quit