@Breaking, yes, it is time for me to kick ***.One positive thing is that it makes me want to express myself through other means,like writing and installations.I am working on one called "double murder".

@Loum, count your blessings.It's not far from the film"one flew over the coocko's nest" over here, unless you are willing to pay incredible prices and then youknow they are only boot licking because you are their food ticket.

@Nellie, I notice the line is crossed when I start talking about the pregnancy and abortion,It becomes all too much for them and unacceptable..I myself can hardly verbalize it but they are the ones who decide what is of the domain of reality or not.
Fortunately,I am very solid and won't give in.And because you all stand by me and give me incredible strength.

You are very welcome Nelliefaye. It is common to feel that your memoriers aren't real at some point on your journey to healing. Usually people doubt their memories because of derealization and depersonalization but the fact that you are feeling these symptoms of dissociation is proof that there was trauma there.There is only a few reasons why a person experiences derealization and depersonalization and the main reason is trauma.

I do count my blessings. The therapist I have now, I pay out of pocket. I do not want the insurance company to get any reports. It seems every session is intense and brings up very strong and difficult feelings, but I do see myself being able to work through the feelings better. My friends here on DS are wonderfully helpful too. I am getting better, but it is not easy.Sometimes it leaves meshaken for a few days, but I'm not hurting myself and I'm not falling into a deep depression. We set up a regular day and time. I am more comfortable with that.

moonface,

You showed the psychiatrist the drawing your grandson made; did you also tell him about the behaviors both your husband and you are seeing?

You may have been "hypersensitive at the moment" when you showed him the drawing but he wasn't--or was he??? Think he was being over-cautious?

As far as survivors finding their memories unbelievable, the therapist I was working with before she referred me to her colleague, said many, many survivors find their memories unbelievable.

She told me this as I was crying and kept repeating over and over again that I didn't believe the stuff that had just come up from our EMD-R session...I still find it hard to believe.

Based on your post, it sounds like this psychiatrist doesn't have much empathy or understanding of complex trauma. And it sounds like you may have to educate him...lucky him.

And yes, you're right, we have to speak up to educate people. Sad that you're feeling betrayed, and happy that you're going to "be on" your therapist next week.

Let us know what he says.

xx
SuzA

My two cents.

I belong to an organization that has an entire board sand staff of mental health professionals. And there have been long discussions about what your second therapist mentioned to you. There was in fact in the USA, a lot of therapists that abused repressed memory therapy and forced false memories of abuse in people.

So what your therapist asked you (though IMO, not in a sensitive manner) I believe is in fact a very valid question. There are a number of people who believe that they were abused when in fact they weren't, so a degree of challenging in your memories is not a bad thing; it's in fact what a responsible therapist would do.

As for your first therapist, well, there are good, and not so good. Sadly there are many people in many professions that don't belong doing what they do.

Moonface, sometimes out therapists forget that we still have our good thinking and good judgement despite the problems were are having. I agree with you sometimes in session you wonder what you are doing there because they do not seem to understand. I know this, i have been there. Bad things happened to me 18 years ago but I still wake up in the middle of the night and say " I cannot believe it happened" . It is so painful when I happens this way, and sometimes i feels like it just happened yesterday! Be strong, I wish you the best

A George
Oui parfois les therapists no comprennent pas suffisamment pour pouvoir aider effecacement!

Moonface, let me say something positive first. EMDR is a good thing. I think it may be what helped me face my own repressed memories. But EMDR is only as good as the therapist leading the process. My therapist I sought out precisely because of her expertise with EMDR (she's certified at advanced levels). At the time, I was focused on the abuse in my marriage and how flashbacks were still with me in present dating relationships. I believed EMDR would help me sort those experiences so I could date and feel healthy. I did not expect what came to pass. I delved into what happened in my marriage (again - had already done so with a prior therapist who was also very good) and by doing so, the abuse I experienced as a small child surfaced. What my therapist does which is so good is that as she does EMDR, once the work is done on the physical, emotional, and mental trigger or piece, she then asks me to focus on something positive and relaxing (for me it is always the ocean but my therapist says for most people it is their pet - I laughed and said, no way, my pets need me to do stuff for them - I need no obligation from my image) and then moves her finger vertically as opposed to the horizontal movement that characterizes EMDR sessions. This vertical movement on the relaxing and safe image allows me to close the door on the scary stuff and I can leave the session without falling apart. What is great about EMDR is that it works itself - just thinking about certain issues, I feel my mind go into that trancelike state and I am able to process feelings in such a healthy way, much better and much more efficient than "standard" therapy. I felt I made a lot of progress after just six EMDR sessions. Again, though, you need an experienced therapist. I feel very fortunate. I've been with my present therapist about a year and I feel very good about her.

It sounds as if the therapist you are with now is all that prior commenters have said and that is not good enough for you. Really, he sounds like a jerk but I know that is judgmental of me. One of my flaws, I admit it. I think my negative reaction is about the way he quetioned you - I don't think he has the right to call you hypersensitive or to quesiton your memories. I just don't think he has that right.

About the whole suggestion thing - back in my 20s when I was first in therapy, I asked my therapist, a man, about the idea that I had been abused but could not remember it. I told him that it was the only thing that made sense considering my sexual behavior. He was wise and compassionate. He did not suggest any memories and he was not troubled. He just said, "if you were abused and don't remember it, there is a good reason your mind is protecting you from knowing about it. Don't worry about it. Either it happened or it didn't. All you can do now is focus on your patterns and try to deal with them. If you do remember something later, you can deal with it then." This response was not what I had wanted - back then I was secretly hoping he would hypnotize me so I could get "proof" of my abuse theory. But he was right. Years later, as I experienced abuse in my marriage, I came closer and closer to recovering my own past with my grandfather. Finally, when those memories arrived, they were coordinated with other memories I had always carried. My mind did protect me until I was finally ready to deal with the memories, and as horrifying as the memories are, they are what I need to process if I can ever hope for a dating relationship again. No one suggested my memories to me, no one said anything that remotely resembled my memories, they just took their own time in revealing themselves. The mind is a fascinating thing and therapist and doctors don't have it figured out - why should we?

I have to say I have been very fortunate with therapists. The only bad experience I had was with the marriage counselor. She was totally dense and just bought into my ex's lies apparently. She had her own idea about who I was and what our problems were and she did not listen to the truth once I was brave enough to tell it. I felt very betrayed by her and turned inward, became very cold towards her and towards my husband. It was what I needed to do to be safe at the time and I have no regrets about my response, but it was disappointing to be paying $200 an hour to a person who just did not get me at all.

Really I hope you can try EMDR with a therapist who is good. This person you are working with may not be right for you, but the talk you are planning to have with him will show you for sure. If he responds in a mature way, great, he might have some skills AND compassion enough to help you. Otherwise if he is just seeing you as a guinea pig, I don't think the EMDR will work for you. You won't feel safe enough to identify the issue and really relax with the session. My therapist is very good - she told me i don't have to share the memory or trigger with her or explain any of it to her. All I have to do is hold it in my mind very strongly until she tells me to let it go. Once I release it, then the EMDR can really work for me because I am focusedon only on the movement of her hand and not on any thoughts. It is just like meditation. I have felt it work so well - the physical manifestation of my feelings often is all about heaviness in my gut, tightness in my chest, and tightness in my throat. These physical sensations during EMDR move up into my head and sort of vibrate there until they dissipate. I do feel changed after the session. Emotionally, I am able to reframe what happened as a sad event that happened to me, not as a traumatic event that defines me.

I have read a lot about EMDR and I know it works on sexual abuse victims and combat veterans - anyone with PTSD. Again, I really hope you can find a good therapist for EMDR because I do believe in the process.

This guy, and again I apologize for being judgmental, really makes me mad because to do EMDR, it does not matter if the memory can be "validated." The point is that PTSD symptoms are experienced and you want them to end. EMDR can do that for you. He should focus on the process and stop worrying about what can be "proven." Nothing can really - it is not about proof, it is about emotions. Therapists are supposed to get that. It is not as if we are in a court of law. We don't have an evidentiary burden, we have an emotional burden and we need help with carrying it and with finding a way to relieve ourselves of baggage where we can. That process has nothing to do with proof!

Hugs to you Moonface. You are very wise and centered and I know you will find the right path through this - please don't feel you have to prove anything to this person! And again, I am being judgmental, but how dare he call you hypersensitive when he just met you? He can't even validate your concerns about your own grandson whom you have known and loved since his birth? Aarrgh. I just feel so angry at this therapist! I'm sorry if that is not helpful!
'
to sum up, I say trust your instincts, they are good, trust your intuition, and whatever you decide I am sure will be the right thing.