Welcome Nikkole. I also believe my memories are repressed. I have long suspected incest in my past, based on my discomfort around my father and many, many other clues and symptoms. Around 10 years ago I took a poetry class and ended up writing some powerful poems about things like rape and dissociation, yet I wasn't connected to any such events - the poems just bubbled out of me. I've also written stories that seem like flagrant allegories for incest. But to this day, after decades of therapy, I don't have memories. I am still going to therapy and I am determined to have my memories, because I don't believe I can be whole or wholly healed without them.

Hi Nikkole. I am not a member of this group but I am friends with DonnaWanda and saw her post and thought I would add my experiences too.

I was sexually abused for 5 years by a neighbor - from the ages of 8-12. I am 49 now and my first memory of the abuse came back 4 1/2 years ago. Like you I had no memory at all that I was abused. Then, one day, 2 years into therapy I had a flashback. Thankfully I was with my therapist when I had it because it was scary...and confusing. I went into denial for 6 months but still continued to have flashbacks. I am now near the end of my healing process and have remembered most of what I needed to remember so I could heal. But I am still remembering bits and pieces. I often wonder if the remembering process is ever fully 'done' or if snipits will forever be returning. Only time will tell.

My feeling is that if you accept (even a little bit) that you were abused then your memories will come back. Just because one came back and hid again doesn't mean you will never remember again. In fact, since you did remember something I would think the chances are very good that you will remember more. You just have to allow them to. If you are too scared to remember then you won't remember.

I was scared of all the things you are scared of. But if you let all that fear stop you from healing you will be missing out on a wonderful life. You can heal and you can have a wonderful life. And you deserve to heal and have a wonderful life.

Thanks for the feedback :) donnawanda - are you seeing a therapist ? using EMDR or the like? I love how you allow your feelings to be represented in art and poetry and using those tools as a guide. I'm going to a writing class tonight for the first time - should be interesting. LuckyEmpath -thanks so much for chiming in. I am the exact same age as you were when your memory returned. I accept that i was abused- when the memory began to surface- it wasn't unfamiliar -that's the strange thing! I have always "felt" the abuse (donnawanda - you can probably relate to this) - even though I don't have a story line or exact memory of the event - it's like some part of my body knows exactly or feels exactly what happened. This site is helping tremendously on getting over the fear. I read a post regarding losing family - and how people admire the abuser. They are terrible things that have happened but they help me to know that I too could survive these terrible things. thanks donnawanda and luckyempath for your kind words.

Nikkole,

Confusion and denial shielded me from the memories of incest and sexual abuse for 40 years. At the same time that "shield" kept me in the dark about how to go about living a full and rich life and of great importance, it also kept me in the dark about who I was.

I was so disconnected from myself I could not have even told you what my favorite color was; I could not risk knowing ANYTHING about me. Even when my younger sister tried to talk with me about the abuse when I was 18 I could not allow myself to know and walked away from her.

My father died when I was 40 and because my husband thought I was acting strange after my father's death he suggested therapy. I went.

Like you, I realize, looking back, that my body knew the secrets of my childhood all along. My body tried to tell me but its way of communicating was lost to me since I lived only in my head at that time and after 40 years of repression, my mind was quite adept at ignoring the messages of my body.

It was also adept at turning those messages into confirmations that something was horribly wrong with me...though I could not have told you exactly what.

The memories may or may not come again. So, listen to your body because it knows. Work with whatever is given to you. Embrace all that you know to be you and release the lies and distortions sexual abuse leaves behind.

You can do this Nikkole, one step at a time. One day at a time.

xx
SuzA
P.S. Ellen Bass, co-author of the book, The Courage to Heal, believes that anger is our friend. It helps us rear up on our hind legs and scream, "How Dare You!" Anger can motivate us to continue the healing journey which is hard, at best. Whether or not you end up hating is your chose.

I had no memory of my abused childhood until very late in life. I think that's an example of what's called selective amnesia. It's probably a way our minds protect us from the effects of bad experiences so we can function.

But the memories are still there and they still control our lives. Victims of all forms of child abuse have adult lives where they're very prone to addiction, depression, criminality, all sorts of unhealthy things.

It's only in the past few years that some of my memories have surfaced. I'm really glad they did, so I can stop beating myself up for "failing" in life. I still have only limited pieces of memory about my older sister's sexual advances and how I was used to fending them off. I strongly suspect that she was a pedophile who did a lot to me while I was very young. Maybe I'm too guilty and ashamed to remember the earlier incidents, but I now remember her amorous advances when I was eight...very clearly.

I think it's not unusual for very early sexual abuse to be repressed. In fact I suspect it's the usual way our brains process things like this. I also think that it's very likely that sexual abuse of children is much more common than society believes it is...because of this memory suppression.

Thanks for posting your thought RichieD. Im glad you now have the opportunity to know the truth about your past - and to heal from it. I agree that this selective amnesia works to keep us alive and "safe" when we are young. I agree that it is probably more common than we know are want to know.

I also wonder about the abuser. Does the abuser know that their acts will be suppressed by the young victim? Do they think the victim is too afraid to say something? that the abuser can simply deny what they have done? How is the abuser so arrogant to think they will get away with it? Especially if they are old enough to be put in jail for the abuse? Do they assume the victim will not grow up and expose them?

Abusers have been getting away with this stuff for centuries. It's just beginning to come to light and be addressed. Each generation has a better shot at getting justice. I was reading "The Body Keeps Score" about the legacy and healing of trauma, and the author states that when he was in training as a psychiatrist in the 1970s (I think) the textbook stated that father-daughter incest was a 1 in a million rarity and not harmful to the girl. That was how effective denial was back then!

So things have been evolving rapidly but still have a long way to go. Above all, there are still legions of abusers out there, and the vast majority DO get away with it.

Nikkole- From my experience, abusers think they'll get away with it for many reasons. They take advantage of their victim(s) fear, shame, confusion and defense mechanisms (repressing total, partial, or selective memories) which a victim desperately needs. Abusers know that. They also know they have the advantage due to society's apathy, cowardice, selfishness, victim-blaming in courts of law (and elsewhere), anger and jealousy toward the victim. The list goes on.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Thanks donnawanda and whistleblower on your thoughts about how an abuser gets away with it. I agree with your insights. Donnawanda - do you suggest reading "the body keeps score"? It's amazing that in the 70's they thought it was ok to sexual molest a young girl? wow. I guess when I think of the Brock Turner -it makes sense. I also think it's true that we are evolving because in the 70's I wonder if that case would even make headlines - or would this have been taken to court? I would imagine direct blame would have been placed on the victim. thanks again for your thoughts :)

I recently have been struggling with memories and flashbacks. My therapist, (which was a great thing in disguise), is actually trying to help me work through all of the abuse. I was told in the beginning how much work I was going to have to put into counseling. I accepted the challenge. It's not easy by far, I get triggered by the simplest things. But, the amount of healing is way better than I could have dreamed of. Being a cutter since the age of 9, I wanted to go back to that. Instead I knew that was not going to solve anything. It really gets better when you know in your heart that you can be better. And by better I mean it as simple as this, being a better person than you were yesterday. I'm new here, I hope to find some motivation here!

Hi jct778, thanks for your thoughts on this. When you say "recently" struggling, what does that mean? are these memories new memories for you (that were once repressed?). It's great that you have stopped cutting and know that you can get better - and that YOU ARE getting better :)