This is one of the main reasons I sought therapy in the first place. At the time I didn't understand why but had realised I couldn't deal with it on my own.

Eight years down the line I can't say my relationships have improved - although I am more able to be myself and less fearful of rejection, I no longer feel judged every second on everything I say or do, so I feel a lot better in myself.

I live in hope, but maybe this is something that incest gives us that can't be undone - which is all the more reason to learn to like myself and my own company.

Y, that seems to be the hardest part for me. The only solace I have is that the Lord is my friend and I respect myself. Other than that it is lonely street most of the time.

At the risk of sounding conceited (and that's NOT my intention), I am a well liked person my my peers, my teachers, coaches, etc. I get along well with others, and I find it very easy to make new friends. I'm incredibly outgoing, loud and obnoxious. I make others feel comfortable being themselves around me. I have a large group of friends, and I love all of them. My teachers and coaches have always acted more like my friend than my teacher, and I admittedly got special treatment in high school, even from my principal.

BUT...

MANY of these relationships are shallow. Sure I laugh with them and we share some jokes, and occasionally have our serious moments. But overall, I keep all these people at arms length. So, I believe it's good even if you just have one person in your life that you can trust enough to let inside. It's better to have a very small friend group that you can at least trust, then to be surrounded by so many people, non of whom you can turn to when you need support.

We all struggle with relationships and it's because of our abuse. I struggle with guys. I either don't trust them at all, or I trust way too easily which is what I've done with my current boytoy.

But do focus on loving yourself first. If you don't love yourself, you'll tend not to let people in who deserve your love anyway.

Hang in there.

I fear everyone I love.
My own personal heuristic is that those I love can destroy me.
Those that I loved the most, my parents, destroyed me.
Those I love I fear.

connecting is a real key. I have a group of friends, since childhood. But only a couple of them are aware 'really aware' of whats been going on in my real world.
I find that if you can connect with someone or someones in a group. You can develop a friendship from that place .Maybe you can find a hobby group or a book club, esp. if you find yourself struggling to make friends and go from there.
I also find that I hate it sometimes when all the connection I can relate to within my own self is my pain. How i've tried to come out from that is, reading books - I find that there are alot of others out there that struggle finding lasting friendships.
what would be nice to know too is, how do you feel you have to maintain the relationships. Sometimes finding out what we feel we need the other person wants from us is good, cuz sometimes we try to hard. I dont know if I am making sense but for me it works to know where im coming from. and sometimes I think that I put alot on myself to maintain a relationship.
I would say, BE yourself!

sbskeeper,

Yes. But working on it.

sbskeeper,

Helpful advice?

Know yourself. What do you like/dislike. What are your gifts/skills. Introvert/extrovert/Ambivert. What are your strengths. What kind of people do you like to be with? What books/movies draw you in. etc., etc.

I made the mistake of trying to connect with everyone and when I failed I thought myself a failure.

On a level of politeness you can connect to everyone and that's nice and advisable. Connection to all also happens on the spiritual level.

In community though I had to find my own tribe--those people with similar interests and concerns. For me it is people who are most interested in discussing ideas, who love the arts, and who love spirit.

It took me a long time to realize I really didn't want to connect with everyone. I didn't want to pretend I cared about your annual visit to the dentist or how Carl made a fool of himself at the last party.

I am an introvert who loves ideas, music, and much time alone. I also love my three best friends. But it took me years to first discover me and then more time to realize, aside from a true appreciation of others, I wanted to find people who shared my interests to connect with.

Most helpful resources in self-discovery were: The Myers-Briggs personality inventory. / Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham/ The Johnson O'Connor Institute which tests for strengths you are born with--has nothing to do with education...and, of course, developing self-awareness.

Stop isolating yourself and go find your tribe because you can do it.

xx

you all help me to understand my sister and another good friend...even my estranged husband whom i am good friends and still live with as friends.
I always been one to love no matter the pain. i connect with people i work with and they are like family in way to me. I genuinely really care. I do not understand how my sister can act so callous and uncaring even towards me. Like her shame is so deep that she must always wear a mask all the time when around others and be perfect.
my friend...who was abused but not sexually just does not connect with people. I am sure it has to do with his abuse of constantly being told how he was not wanted...his grandparents/mother brought him to this country without telling his father. His mother who was dying of skin cancer never said she loved him once...or thought he was a great son...not once instead he finds in her notebooks how he was bad child because he would not do what his grandmother, her mother, wanted him to do. WHich was crazy stuff!! imagine not once being told by your dying mother at 5/6 yrs that she loves you?
that makes me so sad...my sister was told this...often yet she is like him..numb inside. She puts on a good act in front of others. She only will talk about the abuse if my parents do something to bug her....when i tell her how dad is now saying how he hates me and does not want me in the family...she says sorry but that is extent...no support saying hey i wont go either if you don't. Where in the beginning she did...in fact he was going to disown me when he got my letter but she told him when he called her that she remembered..she buries her memories..mine live a live.
i wrote that letter almost 15/16yrs ago and i just found out that our counselor..we went to same one....tried to get her to write it with me because our counselor saw this might happen where i would be holding all the blame and it hurts since i do not deserve it. i have had to put up with smart remarks...he changes stories to make me the bad guy instead of the sister that really was rude to him...so now if anyone of sisters is mean he makes it out in his head to be me....my sister says sorry...i just am not strong enough to handle it.
she thinks i am? it hurts a lot....it took this many years for me to finally just not care about what he says...yet when he still says how much he hates me...yes it hurts still...he is my father and not all of our life was bad.
i wish i could not connect....i could be numb...i hate drugs that do that ...you are zombie person...and i apologize that i keep turnin your pain into me bringing up my own pain...
i really do not understand her or people like her..and wish i did..so i could not be hurt..but just understand that it is her way of coping.which is what i say now...
funny since my husband and i broke up ...was ugly thing...i do not trust new people...afraid too...but if someone does come into my life...i cannot help but to love them.
so thanks for making it bit clearer to me...and also for being honest how you cannot connect and saying it is not a good thing...because my older sister like to act like she is all together and me that is one who has not forgiven my father..which i have for many years now..
i dont forgive his actions but him the man i do forgive.

@ Siskya
You know, my dad seemed to be turning whiny and manipulative like yours...because he couldn't control me by beating me up anymore, I think he was trying to guilt-trip me instead.

Is yours still controlling you? What good does he add to your life?

I cut my dad out of my life 19 years ago. I've never regretted that. I have cried for a father...but he's not capable of being what I needed, he never was.

He was a hypersexualized toddler in a grown-up body, and he threw temper-tantrums that could have killed me.

hylie,
your father sounds a lot like both my parents. You have done what my younger sister did...just cut them out. My problem was...my nieces, nephew. After my brother died(before i wrote letter) I was main caretaker in their lives.
Both my sister in law and my older sister wanted their kids to experience grandparents...which i got since i was really close to my gps. So my sister(who also had been abused) made list of things that my father had to do to be allowed back into the family.
One was...that he had to realize the damage of what his abuse did to not only us but entire family. Sadly, his counselor kept saying that he did not get this and she seriously doubted he ever would.
My sister in law kept asking...after couple years of not including him. my mom bitched how she hated having to watch the kids like hawk if he was home..and he was since he was retired. During those years my father kept sending cards, flowers to both of us, sisters to say he was sorry ...i guess i got tired of being pressured by my sister in law and mom to let him back and hoped he had truly reformed.
Ha! Day we said okay, i never have received anything from him again saying he was sorry. If anything he gives things he makes to everyone ...even my estranged husband than to me. I tried to look the other way...in person we were cordial..than the remarks began.
with in year.
I was stupid, i was conned. Now...my nieces who use to call me their other mom do not want me around. My niece who i was closest too just got married. I was the one she always got to sit next to her even at her college graduation. But my father has increased his abuse greatly since than and like you i got to point where i cannot be around him ....unless i have support with me. He too chicken to attack me if i am not alone.
my nieces ..like their mom just want to think he is nice old grandpa. They invite him to all things...i tried just being nice and ignoring him as much as possible.
My father i know is trying to make me sound unstable and liar to people....his oldest friend son told me how my father is doing this and he was nice enough to come to me and ask what was going on.
Not many people know about what he did...as to outside the family in my nieces arena. I finally told that son...who was great and understanding. I recently told my nieces mother in law...who i have always liked greatly ..mutually like each other. I wanted her to know why I try to stay away from him....and she was great. Plus, it was way to find out if either my sister in law or nieces have told anyone....which they clearly have not.
I once told my niece....that it would be like asking her bf who has been raped to sit down and have dinner with her rapist. My niece just never answered...said she wants to stay out of it.
my counselor says i am stuck ...i cannot tell her the truth she is not ready to hear it.
I am type that does not stick my head in the sand but tries to find an answer...communication is the answer but how do you communicate if they do not want to listen.
I have been considering telling her husband now....so he knows why i am acting the way i have been...i doubt his mother will tell him...she is not a gossip one reason why i told her.
My mother is pushing me to tell as many people as i feel i need too...she said just do what i need to do to make myself better.
I am very grateful
my mother has finally come around.
Not getting along with my nieces, sister in law....and even my sister....oh my own sister who was abused has never told her adult son!! what does that say? she must have shame inside still!
any solutions from anyone i would appreciate...i want to make it right with my nieces and sisters..both of them. My younger sister like i said i know loves me just refuses to communicate with anyone in this crazy family.