Incest Survivors Support Group

Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...

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confronted my mom

homeogenic
homeogenic
So last night I talked to my mom on the phone about many of the things we have been conflicted about for years. Of course in the midst of the conversation we talked about my brother abusing, molesting and raping my sister and I. My sister and I both have so many things we suffer from because of the abuse and my mom just minimizes everything! I brought up everything-insomnia, painful intercourse, hormonal abnormalities, increased risk for tearing in childbirth-which happened!, chronic constipation, frequent nightmares, anorexia, migraines, back pain, not to mention emotional problems. She had the gall to say "well we had you examined and your hymen was still intact so you were fine ( they did a pelvic exam on a 6 year old?!?! I have memories of this too...), it's probably all in your head and you just need counseling" I know that when you suffer abuse at a young age your entire body re-wires to cope. I tried to explain this to her and she just said it was all in my head. I just don't understand how she can defend her son, my dad or herself. It's so stupid! How should I handle this? She had the nerve to cut the convo off and say that she didn't want to talk to me anymore because I was "making them into monsters" and she "couldn't understand what I did to deserve this". I am so tired of all the crap. She is so manipulative and tries to control me with fear. She's even tried to tell me that if I don't have sex with my husband a certain number of times a week that he will leave me and we will get divorced. She even said shed be a "bad mom" to not say those things to me! Well too bad! I've got an awesome husband who loves me and cares about more than sex. We are madly in love and he understands me so much. It's too bad she has to live in that world...how do you all handle family members like this?
arbe
arbe
I had a 'mom' like yours...narcisistic and denying. I would visit but leave feeling so much anger. I finally stopped all contact with her for my own peace. Been about 20 years and I'm still feel it was the right decision for me, may not be right for you but sounds like the same type situation.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Cutting contact with those in denial is what i did too.
There is no relationship only hypocrisy and lies......Who needs that?
Although i know its hard...
arbe
arbe
yes, anonymouse nailed it...there is no relationship
deleted_user
deleted_user
It sounds like your mom is "broken" that is what I used to tell myself about my mom who behaved in similar ways. She lacks the capacity to behave any differently than the way she does. You have a few choices:
1. Don't share anything too personal with her and have a superficial relationship
2. Cut all ties with her
3. Keep trying to share real things with her and getting hurt over and over.

She is not going to change. You have to protect yourself and your sanity from her. I can relate to this a lot because my mom was so much like this. She died 6 years ago but before she died I remember feeling a lot of the same things you describe. Don't let her messed up world view make you feel bad about yourself. She is the one with major issues-not you.
homeogenic
homeogenic
Thanks for yalls replies. I've been considering cutting off contact with her and my father. It's just so hard to talk to them. She uses God and fear to manipulate to get her way-it's spiritual and emotional abuse. My dad is verbally abusive and it hurts me and my husband the things he says. I don't want my baby girl (14 months old) growing up around that poision and the lies. I don't want her asking me years down the road, "why do grandma and grandpa say mean things?" I want the cycle of abuse to end and not pass on to her. HBE123, I think I'm torn between option 1&2. Option 3 is just no longer an option. I can't be a good mom to my daughter if I can't have respect for myself and stop taking their crap!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I say try option 1-you will cut ties with her when you are ready. I have 3 kids and they gave me the courage and strength to cut ties with toxic family members. I don't think I would have/could have done it alone-but when I thought about passing this dysfunctional crap down to my kids, I suddenly was able to seperate myself from them-because of my kids. Maybe you can do that too.
nelliefay
nelliefay
sounds like your mum is bad news, and just keeps hurting you severely. It's great you've got a really good husband. I'm estranged from my family, mostly because they ignore me. I've learnt to see those I care about and value - my friends - as my family.
homeogenic
homeogenic
I agree. I think the next time we talk (if and when) I'm just going to lay the boundaries for what can be said. My husband is also planning to stand up to her and is going to tell her to keep her nose out of our marriage/intimacy. She has no right to try to control that! It is between us, and us alone. He is going to tell her to stop trying to place fear in the midst of our love. Not sure whether he should call or email? If he calls she will likely not answer and if she does she will often interupt but if he emails, all his thoughts are there for ger to read and re-read. What do y'all think?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hello.
Your Mum sounds sick, she must herself be a victim., There is this sick thing, in my family even where the men are kings and count and the women are dirty whores. If you know what I mean.
I would not bother with her if she was My mum because she is damaging you all the more.
You are entitled to a voice and well done to use it.
Is your brother okay now? It sounds like he was not told his behaviour was wrong and what he has done to you really was not that bad!!!! Makes me sick.
I have researched so much on paedohioles and child molesters and women and men. Your Mum sounds like an abuser too.
I am so sorry forwhat you ahve been thorugh.

I have had to fuck all my family off because they are poisonous. They have a bad negative effect on me and I dont need that. I needed validation etc.

Big hugs to you - stay strong.
I believe you, I really do.
Dont let the bastards get you down.

Look up toxic families!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hello.
Your Mum sounds sick, she must herself be a victim., There is this sick thing, in my family even where the men are kings and count and the women are dirty whores. If you know what I mean.
I would not bother with her if she was My mum because she is damaging you all the more.
You are entitled to a voice and well done to use it.
Is your brother okay now? It sounds like he was not told his behaviour was wrong and what he has done to you really was not that bad!!!! Makes me sick.
I have researched so much on paedohioles and child molesters and women and men. Your Mum sounds like an abuser too.
I am so sorry forwhat you ahve been thorugh.

I have had to fuck all my family off because they are poisonous. They have a bad negative effect on me and I dont need that. I needed validation etc.

Big hugs to you - stay strong.
I believe you, I really do.
Dont let the bastards get you down.

Look up toxic families!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hello.
Your Mum sounds sick, she must herself be a victim., There is this sick thing, in my family even where the men are kings and count and the women are dirty whores. If you know what I mean.
I would not bother with her if she was My mum because she is damaging you all the more.
You are entitled to a voice and well done to use it.
Is your brother okay now? It sounds like he was not told his behaviour was wrong and what he has done to you really was not that bad!!!! Makes me sick.
I have researched so much on paedohioles and child molesters and women and men. Your Mum sounds like an abuser too.
I am so sorry forwhat you ahve been thorugh.

I have had to fuck all my family off because they are poisonous. They have a bad negative effect on me and I dont need that. I needed validation etc.

Big hugs to you - stay strong.
I believe you, I really do.
Dont let the bastards get you down.

Look up toxic families!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's sad when those that should love us reject us because in their reality your truth is not a factor and is minimized and ignored. I'm learning this too and it is a sad sad day to realize they truly are messed in the head. If you must have contact keep it superficial.
homeogenic
homeogenic
Thanks for the tips about looking up "toxic families"! Wow! I have never thought of it this way before!! She has seriously controlled me for so long it's hard to wrap my mind around this! But, in a way it's liberating...Im exhausted--just totally exhausted--by doing everything based on her. She has to voice her f-ing opinion about everything: the way we feed our child, contraceptive use, our sleeping arrangement, our food we eat, our finances, my marriage and sexual intimacy... Literally every aspect of my life. I am sick to death of it. These last few days since I confronted her have been hard, but good. I feel stronger. It is so sad to realize that your eyes are finally being opened to how Messed up things really were. It's taken lots of people telling me that she isn't normal to realize that they are right. She is sick in the head and its sad. She was a victim of a gang rape at age 18 and I truly think she has never dealt with that, or the other severe traumas in her life. BUT, it's her choice to try to heal. I'm only responsible for my own life...thanks for all the support :)
moonface21
moonface21
I come from an incestuous family like yours.
it takes a long time to really understand what is at work there.
It is not only your brother abusing you.
Your mother played a central part in this highly dysfunctional structure.
She is still leading your life , your couple and your family life.She knows you by heart and has been setting you up in that dissociated mode for a very long time, so you cannot really perceive the power she has on you.
There cannot be a superficial link with her for that same reason;She will know how to infiltrate her "poison" through little insinuations and she is trying to instill doubt in you that anything ever happened and that you are the one with problems.
Do not let your husband get caught sick patterns;All she strives on is to break your relationship and get at your kids.Soon, she will install the good grandmother myth and she will try to turn you as the bad mother who is mentally sick.
You do not have to justify to her or look for her validating the reality of the abuse.You know it happened.
Yes, you are going to miss her and feel guilty;it is hard to recognize that our own mother wants to hurt us.
You have a true family with your husband and children.Do not let her poison it anymore.
It has taken me all this time and therapy to become aware and save my marriage and son.
My two brothers were not able to escape from my mother, though they fled thousand of miles;They litterally drank and drugged themselves to death in her arms, in total dissociation (denial) from it.
Live your life and cut links with her.That's the best way you can help her.
Big cuddles to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Toxic. She should have a poison warning attached to her. Keep away.

My mother is like that and my life is soooo much better when I have no contact with her. I did feel horribly guilty at first (she had raised me to think of her needs and to put myself first was a heinous crime) but I don't any more. I will not miss her when she dies. In fact it will just make my life easier because I won't have the emotional turmoil that inevitable comes when my brother gives me her news, as if I care.