Being happy or enjoying things is very very hard for me to do. Every bone in my body says it is wrong and to be avoided, if by accident I do really enjoy something I end up self punishing to make amends.

Having said that I am slowly getting better. I allow myself to enjoy things more than I used to and I self punish less, but it is a long and really really hard fight because it is so deep and insidious.

That does sound strange, how contradicting it does sound. But what a battle it is. I have had days of 'feeling pretty good', days of hilarity and even daring to laugh out loud . The only thing is its never really me, its the 'others' inside of me. I know that one of my 'selves' has a very outgoing personality, funny and witty. Now if anyone knows how to laugh it is her, but I the 'Me' does not know how to take in any joy and like Breaking has mentioned I too punish self. How do I punish at this point I am really sad about sharing that part of me. I cut :(
Hang in there, one day we will learn to take in the joys we so deserve.
Dani

For me that sounds like a very normal statement. I think we tend to find "comfort" in the misery and when the misery is over, we still try to remain in that twisted comfort zone. We have to basically allow ourselves to be happy to convince ourselves it's OK to be happy, that we are worthy of happiness and that we deserve happiness.
I takes some convincing with ourselves but it works...

I honestly think that my parents were so unhappy with themselves and each other that they could not stand to see me happy...not necessarily consciously, but it really did seem like they wanted to stomp the joy right out of me.

I think I somehow learned that to be relaxed and happy was dangerous.

Whenever I was feeling happy I knew something terrible was going to happen. I used to always expected the worse. That way I wouldn't be dissapointed. Now I know that things change and there is a whole spectrum of feelings and when I feel happy I try to enjoy it while it lasts. No feelings last forever, feelings change.

Thank You All so much for your comments...I appreciate it a lot.

Im 20 years old and ive been suicidal probably about 7 the only reason would and wont is because of my family my depressive feelings would cripple me everyday i just wanted to feel pain instead of emptiness and for my type of character and the way i acted in front of people no one could tell i was in soooo much pain i hated my self for being able to play it off and even when i tried to show people in my mood and everything like that i could never connect and i learned ITS FUCKING PEOPLE the i rationally seperated my self and didnt invest to much in to people emotionally and developed myself the stronger i became i STOPPED looking for answers for any and every human being no book no seminar no drugs (besides some weed) and tried become like a zen monk its hard its very hard but everything is and this is a problem you cant allow to you sometimes the only people who can help you fight the battle is you so sloooooow your life down as much as you can everyday and keep moving positive i dont want anyone feeling as i did or worse God bless with love amen.

I think feeling happy is threat becuase it doesn't allow us to keep punishing ourselves and is direct assualt on our belief system of feeling guilty, responsible for the abuse, not worthy and a hundred other bad feelings. on the other feeling happy is the real goal and is what we are all seeking. But many don't believe they deserve it. and so there is the classic emotional conflict.

thank you for sharing

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

rich

It's sad to say, but for many of us, misery and pain are "the norm" - it is what we are used to and good at. It is our comfort zone, our territory, our addiction. Pain is our companion, it is familiar, well used and common for us.
Year ago, I used to think that if I was too happy, it somehow trivialized what I had gone through - that on some level I did not deserve to be happy. But then, with a LOT of therapy and help, I saw that I was an emotional masochist......if someone else wouldn't victimize me, I would do it myself. Because it was what I knew, and damn I was good at it.
But then, as I said, years of therapy, talking to others and lots of reading made me realize that I had become my own abuser. That the men who abused me were dead and gone - but I was still miserable, because I chose to be.
That may sound like I am placing the onus of blame on each of us, but we did not start this cycle - it was started by others who taught and trained us to be used to suffering. It has been compounded by so many others who did not/could not/ would not care to intervene or listen to our cries. People who knew something was terribly wrong, but chose to look the other way as it was simpler and less problematic than getting involved.
I do hope that someday each of us can realize - you get ONE SHOT at this life. I refuse to waste any more of it allowing others to hurt me or to continue to hurt myself - It's really like I woke up one day (although it was after MANY days) and realized "hell, my life is well past half over and I am wasting it by not enjoying everything that comes along.
I started taking time to force myself to take pleasure in the small things - the beauty of nature, the warmth of a true friend, soothing melodies - all the things that seemed to just "be there" in the past without me enjoying them. Now I feel that I am able to enjoy life as much as the next person - we all have separate hurdles to overcome, some much taller than others, some not so much, but between the hurdles, take time to stop and appreciate what it right in front of you - make your own happiness just as you make your own pain.
Even when it is horrible, try not to focus on the pain and darkness, but look for the light. There is no time like now to decide to stop hurting ourselves. It is a daily practice that you have to go through, but just like the training we went through to learn how to hurt, I truly believe that we can learn to be happy - if we immerse ourselves in positive thoughts and activities with the same "gusto" we immersed ourselves in the agony.
I do believe there is hope - but it is hard work. But, sometimes not as hard as we think. What do you have to lose......pain, torment, agony, misery ?
Believe me - you can live without those things; in fact, you almost have to get rid of those elements in order TO LIVE.
All my best -
Refuse2quit

I have always had a rough time being happy. I feel a lot of anxiety too when I start to feel happy because when I start to feel happy is always when something else bad happens. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've learned to try to be happy with the little things in life. sharing a cup of milk with cookies with my kids, or cuddling with them watching a movie. Even just sitting outside with the sun on me, looking at my flowers. finding happiness in the small things helps make the big things a little less daunting. Hope this helps :)