Thank goodness - as I need to get this off my chest - and I know I'm not alone.

From the outside looking in, you would never say there was a thing wrong. I'm a 30 year old attractive woman, good job, I have a wonderful husband and a smart, beautiful, HEALTHY 8 year old girl. My family is close, I love them all, and they would do anything in this world for myself, my husband and daughter. I have my circle of friends and I always have a smile for everyone I meet. I believe in being humble and kind and treat others as you would like to be treated. BUT - I cannot explain to any of my family and friends the whirlwind that goes on in my head. The constant fear of disease and dying plagues me. The past few days it has been constant - I have a desk job and I've probably only accomplished an hour of actual work this week. The rest of the time is spent googling and searching and driving myself crazy. This week I have "leukemia" as I've had some unexplained bruises and tiny red dots on my skin. I took Wednesday off of work so that I could take my daughter and her friend to a water park 2.5 hours away. I woke up feeling good, the sun was shining, it was a beautiful day! We got out there, the girls were enjoying the pool, I was lying back in my swim suit when those tiny red dots caught my attention again - I pick up my phone and turn to google - first thing that comes up is "leukemia patients will notice tiny red dots on their skin because their bodies can't repair blood vessels etc" - I felt sudden panic! I hopped out of my chair and went to a quiet area and called my dr for an appt - thankfully she had an opening for today! I then felt impending doom - like thats it, I'm sick, full of cancer, I'm going to die. I almost burst into tears and had to get my daughter and her friend out of the pool and leave to drive home before I passed out. It's crippling. So I went to my dr this morning to get a form for blood work and have a complete blood count done (although a complete blood count was done in April when I went to emerg thinking I was having a stroke). My mind will not ease until I hear the results next week. As stated up above, this is not the first time I've been plagued with "illness" - I've gone to the dr thinking that I have had breast cancer because I googled symptoms of breast cancer and it said if your breast gets a dimpled look on the skin it is a symptom breast cancer - mine look dimpled, but it's also how my hair follicles there have always looked - but in my mind it was getting more dimpled. It's crazy! I've lost nights sleep thinking that I had a blood clot in my leg and I would die in my sleep. I've been to emerg thinking I was having a heart attack and had blood work + an EKG - everything is fine. I've been to emerg thinking I'm having a stroke - had blood work and CT scan - everything is fine. I had bleeding after intercourse - BAM - cervical cancer. It just doesn't stop! I find the more I read or hear tell of young people dying of these things and related illnesses just makes me go out of my mind!

Another thing I need to add is that my husband isn't my daughters father, although her father and I have a good relationship! He is a good dad, but I would not want him raising my daughter all the time - does that make sense? I'm strict in regards to how she should be raised - I instill in her that hard work is what will get you through life - get up in the morning, make your bed, do your chores, work hard in school etc etc - but her father is more lenient - I think part of the fear of something happening to me is that she will then be raised by him and who knows?! Will these same values be instilled in her or will she be allowed to just slack off?? Will she go to college?? She is a bright little girl, reading well above her grade level, I want to ensure she gets far in life - but will that happen if something happens to me??

So, to add to this, I'm obviously a control freak - I need to do all the grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, handle the finances etc etc etc because my way is the right way and I can't handle it any other way. If I send my husband to the store and he comes back with something different than I had asked for it bothers me to no end. I also keep all of this built up because I don't want to come off as crazy (ha ha) but I guess I am LOL.

Any, and all, comments are appreciated. As I said above, its great to know I'm not alone.

I have to go now as I've got this sudden tension in my neck, so I'm sure google will tell me I have lymphoma or thyroid cancer or some other impending doom, so I must check that out and let it ruin my day a little more!