Welcome Alex. Can't say we are glad to see anyone arrive here but it is a wonderful place for support and encouragement. Sigh, it is so easy for others to judge us.. .you will find on this page all stages of starting a new way of life. I have remarried and found that life can still bring joy, and that you will never lose that love for your loved one who has died-our hearts are so big there is so much room to love again. Your questions and ramblings are welcome here. Bonnie

Thanks Bonnie, I am here to learn and share and care...maybe I should not be concerned about what friends and family- who have, by the way, fallen off of the face of the earth, but I am sure will come flying back into my life should I " act too early" in their opinion- will say or their reactions...most, if not
all,have not or are not walking my path right now...so as sad that there has to be a place like this, it is helpful for those of us who have lost the one person they thought would be with them forever, but know that they can't...and although I know more than a few relationships that are not good, I have always been the kind of guy who loves the woman he is with and will spoil her absolutely rotten- the previous is not a solicitation for someone,just trying to help you understand where I am coming from and that like other guys in my situation, I really miss female companionship in my life and that being the hopeful-not hopeless-romantic that I am,want to feel happy or at least not that sad..nothing like having someone to love...and yes,Dee will always have that place in my heart, but we can' t be together now. I am asking GOD to guide me in all areas...I believe HE has with regards to finding a church I can feel comfortable with and be part of a community...would be awesome to worship my Saviour with a woman....okay enough talking from me....thanks for reading and in my prayers and May GOD Bless you/ yours...Alex
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I think the time it takes, is different for everyone. Someone told me once, that you start the grieving process way before your spouse's death, if it was an illness. It took me almost 2 years to date and then spent 3 years in a relationship, that wasn't going anywhere, so it ended in July. I too am looking for that church I feel at home in. My husband and I were looking before he died. Just go with your heart, don't let your family know, until you want to introduce someone to them. It's really none of their business. One thing I know now, is what I will put up with, and steer clear of anyone, not wanting to enjoy, the life we are left with.

I wish you luck, and read through some of the past entries, you'll gain a lot of knowledge from our mistakes.

Paula

Thanks Paula, Dee was sick on and off for a little over 4 years and for most of 2014....I visited her in the hospital everyday and when she came home I cared for her after her 4 operations...I always strived to stay positive for her, and maybe 1 cancer at a time, but multiple cancers at once was still too much for even as strong a woman as she was. Sorry to have to learn from other's mistakes, but maybe I will post a few of my own should the opportunity present itself. I like your ideas about not telling family; it's not like they call or check in on me everyday...daughter is away at college for a good part of the year...that would be the most precariest, as I would not want to have her think I was trying to replace her mom, but rather trying to share the love I could still give with someone who could fill the emptiness of my heart...74 days later and seeing/being around couples is still very hard...reckon it will be until things change for me...grateful for your sharing...May GOD bless you...Alex

I'm happy to see you join us, yet sad for the reasons we have joined together. The first part of living after this loss is finding ourselves again. We are part of a team and then we are alone. I remember struggling to find that girl who fell in love, but she was 16 and innocent. I was not the same woman who was standing alone now. I needed to feel the loss before I could move to the future and in my grief I grew in strength and character. The journey is difficult but you can find a reason to smile again. Sharon

Alex, I went through the second anniversary of my husband's death a few days before your wife died. I remember so clearly those panicky feelings of the first months, thinking that I HAD to find someone to connect with. I was checking out every available male, hoping for a sign of interest from someone. It was so very scary to be alone everywhere that I went, feeling like a misfit since most people were in pairs. Fortunately, however, I did not find anyone during that time. I was much too needy and desperate to have ever made a sensible decision about getting into a relationship. It just would not have been healthy for me to latch onto someone because I was afraid to be alone. I have adjusted to that aloneness now and am looking for ways to continue pursuing life as a single person. Is it hard? Definitely, but not as hard as it would have been if I had gotten involved with someone I was not compatible with just because I was desperate. It is so very important to be at peace with who we are before we look for a new relationship. I wish you the very best as you travel this road that none of us want to be on.

I'm having the same issue, I hate the loneliness that I feel now that my fiance has past. People keep telling me that it hasn't been long enough but I feel so.alone. I loved my Daniel with a my heart and now there's a huge hole inside me. I've thought of being with someone else. Not for a physical relationship but someone to be there in a loving caring way. I know that I haven't done enough grieving but I'm very lonely. And sometimes I feel like some people aren't every going to let me be happy with someone else... but I feel like I'm to young to stay a widow forever. I'm only 26. I'm very lost and confused when it comes to how long is long enough. Sorry I wasn't much help. Lol. But I've been thinking about this a lot lately and saw this and had to write a post.

Hi Alex,
I remember feeling the same as Irs55. Now I'm approaching 2 years (April) and I feel somewhat ready to seek a new relationship. Initially, we're in shock and don't want to be alone, then we come to terms with our new lives....then we start to re-learn who we really are and what we really want. During the grieving process, when we get to this point, it's almost empowering.......we made it through and we know who we are!
Regarding timing......I believe there are no cut and dry answers.....it's what you're comfortable with doing.
Don't put too much into what your family or friends say or think as they have not walked in your shoes.
Good Luck
Pam

I would say that there are no timescale set in stone. However, I feel the grieving has to take place. We all grieve in a different way and at a different pace. Certainly, do not let your family and friends influence you because if they have not lost a partner they do not know at all.

I lost my husband two years ago next week and I now can say that I am ready to start something new but I am very cautious and don't want to enter into a relationship that will fail. Of course, I know there are not safety net and safeguards again this and that is why I hesitate. Six months after my husband died, I met a man who was interested in me but at the time I was no way near ready to embark into any relationship and, fortunately, I was wise enough to recognise that I was just suffering from desperate loneliness and that my grieving would have impaired any kind of relationship so I flew away and explain to that man that I was not in a good place to start anything even though I wanted desperately to find again the same love I had with my husband - but I knew in my heart that it was not possible then.

Now, I have met someone I like (I was not even looking for someone - it just happened) but I am dithering, still, because I am scared. I do not know what will happen but for the moment he understands and does not press me. All this to say, that you will know when the time is right for you. You don't need outsiders to explain to you what you should feel and when. It does not work that way.

All my best wishes.

Im nearing two years and at first I joined Meet -up groups which allowed me to socialize without the pressure of dating. It didnt stop the loneliness but did help. Now I have decided I want more and have started dating. Mostly as friends now but who knows where it may lead. Yyou dont want to rush but you need to do what is best for you. No one else knows what your going through.
Russ

I went to your profile and see you lost your spouse last November 2014. It gave me a perspective on the feelings you describe. I understand the loneliness and the pain of losing someone you shared everything with and the desire to make this nightmare go away.
What you describe is normal for anyone wanting their life back, but I can assure you that it won't work. Grief has stages and although we go through them at various ways they are there to help us heal. We can't avoid them. At the place you're at I wanted to run away. But when I tried the loss followed me. You can busy yourself with activities, even company of others, but until you go through the emotions you will not heal. I'm sorry to be blunt, but at just a few months after the biggest loss you have ever imagined you need the time to cry, be angry, even deny that it's true. Bringing another person in your life right now would be another complication not a solution. Sharon

Welcome Alex. I started a "thing" with a friend of my husbands and myself only a couple of months after Tim died. I was 57. It lasted for 10 months and ended disastrously. My shrink had said that my new relationship was delaying my grief but of course I didn't believe her. Well, she was right I did need time to grieve and if I delayed it, it was bound to come sooner or later. It did.
I later married at 60 (I'm 64 now) and I still miss Tim and think of him a thousand times a day. But my new husband loves me very much and I am not alone now And it's much better. Still, it takes time to grieve.
In the meantime you could try meetup groups, or join clubs you might have an interest in. I joined a walking group and got to have conversations with both men and women. I went to the movies or lunch with a guy a couple of times. and began to learn how to live by myself.
I promise you it will get better. It just takes time. My thoughts are with you.
Dianne

I am new here. My husband passed March 2014 from stage iv cancer. I have all these mixed emotions going on. The last few weeks have been up and down. I am trying to rebuild my life slowly, still miss my husband terribly. Friends are starting to ask me if I will date again. Gez, I still feel so many mixed emotions. I attend a grief support group but am starting to feel I need something different than the initial grief support, more like a life support group. Does anyone relate?

Hi Alex. I'm gonna agree. I'm also coming up on 2 years and that desperate loneliness does go away. I started dating months after my husband passed but what I found was that the men interested in me only saw a desperately lonely woman. That's really not me. I'm glad some time has passed and I've become me again. I'm dating and I'm doing it with confidence. I'm not a desperate person. I am glad I didn't hook up with any of those guys. They had some control issues that I don't deal well with. I'm a pretty strong woman. And woman is the key word, there. There is not a man in existence that wants to try to control me.
Anyway, my point is be patient with yourself and be honest with yourself. It's horrible at first but it does get better. Nobody can tell you what to do. I am on a fb page and a woman started a relationship very quickly after becoming a widow and now she is raising twins alone, along with kids from her late husband. So, be careful. People can take you for granted. You are very vulnerable.
Glad you found us. We are all in the same boat with you, rowing hard!

I am just over 17 months and I have started dating. It was strange but at about 13 months I started coming to terms with the guilt and I was able to work through that. I think that was the turning point for me.
I do not believe there is a time frame for everyone. But I have to say because of my personality I needed some guidance. I used the one year mark to reassess my feelings.
My Tim had the attitude that nobody wants to grow old alone and that help me through the process.
I now truly believe I have the "Two Hearts" needed to more forward.
Hugs, Sandi